Video Update - 11/28/11

There is some sappy stuff directed towards a certain someone from 3:20 - 4:20. You can skip it if you want.

Sweet Home Alabama?

Alabama, home of the Crimson Tide, Golden Eagle Syrup, and accents larger than the 'ole Mississippi River, was where I spent my last weekend. Filled with much merriment, the celebration actually ended up turning into a full on fest of complete awkwardness.

Now, it may seem a little odd that someone like me had gone to Alabama a week before Thanksgiving, but I did have a reason. My grandparents were celebrating their CO-80th Birthday. We had a big party set up for them, with friends and family coming from both sides of it to just celebrate with the happy couple over cupcakes and punch.

Now, here's where it starts getting awkward.

My grandmother recently re-married at the age of 77. The new hubby she has is pretty great, don't get me wrong, but as she marries him, this comes with a WHOLE new set of family ties to deal with. So, at this giant party, a lot of his sons (from a long, past marriage) came down to help celebrate. They bring their kids, who bring their kids, and soon, it's a room full of people I have barely met before in my life.

All of the sudden, "relatives" were coming up to me, shaking my hand, and introducing themselves, telling me that he or she was my great uncle or aunt. Now, I am literally sitting here trying to remember names, but I was surprised at the volume of these people whom half were related to me somewhat.

I felt so out of it. I felt like I hadn't seen or kept up with these people in so long. I just felt kind of awkward. I mean, maybe it's the whole Family Reunion Syndrome where it's just awkward for everyone, but I just couldn't shake this feeling.

However, after shaking off my obvious awkwardness I took some time to look at my Grandma and my Step-Grandpa. They looked so happy. I could really see the gleam in my grandmother's eyes. She had such a marvelous time. I was so happy we could do this for her.

Then, something struck me as I was thinking about my current relationship... I could never be out to any of these people, besides my parents.

All of these folks were Southern born and raised, and any saying of me being Gay would literally throw a curve ball directly at their faces. They all expect me to have a girlfriend and have kids someday. This was something that especially hurt me because I already know I won't be able to physically have kids, ever.

Now I feel like I am living a double life. One in Austin, and one in my hometowns. I'm not out and proud like I am here due to repercussions I fear coming true. It's just awkward to switch between these every time I come "home."

Ah well, I'm sure Alabama is just a crazy state to begin with anyway. I mean, it's a fun state, don't get me wrong, but there's something about Texas that I just love. I can't place my finger on it, but being in Austin where I can date guys, work hard, and just be happy at school really makes this become more and more "homely" with each passing day.

Anyways, at "home," finals are rapidly approaching, and so is the end of the school year, where I'm sure a couple of crazy things are about to unfold, that I have been keeping my eye on. Hopefully I can let these things unfold carefully this time, and not give myself a giant paper cut in the process. We'll see, world. We'll see.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Long Time No Blog

Yeah, don't tell me. I already know I'm long overdue for one of these.

Jeez, I cannot believe it's already been a month already since my last update. I do apologize wholeheartedly, time just flies I guess and I've never been in a writing mood I suppose.

So, I'm deciding to go all out with this blog. I want to get some things off my chest and say some things that I have been thinking about recently. I don't know. I just want to talk. Hopefully that's fine by you dear reader.

So, as the year has been dragging on and on, I have been noticing a few things happening. Maybe they are just subtle things, but they are still things nonetheless.

I feel like my roommate and I aren't close anymore.

It's just awkward now. Day in and day out I come in, sometimes I find him studying on his computer, working ever so diligently on his laptop on Physics or Calculus, and I try to talk to him, but he seems so intent on his studying I try not to bother him. I don't want to be a bother, but I make ever so slight remarks to try to get him to talk to me, to try to go back to that kinship that we once had last semester, but I don't think it's working.

I do care about him still. Not as intently as I did last semester, mind you, but, I guess we are drifting now, and I'm just now noticing all of the signs. We rarely hang out outside of the dorm room together, and we just go live our separate lives. Him with his boyfriend, and me with mine (more on that in another blog post).

Maybe it's just something I can't control. Maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe whenever you live with someone long enough the ties don't hold as tightly because when you aren't living together, you long to see each other. Now, you wake up to see them every single day. You see their every thought, you witness their morning cycle, and most importantly, you see who they really are.

I'm sure my true colors have been shown to him on many occasions, and believe me, I'm not the best person in the world sometimes, and I've seen his true colors too. Not that they are bad or anything, I mean, he's a really sweet guy, but I can just never read him.

He never tells me anything anymore.

I just don't know about his life anymore. Whenever something big happens and he is depressed, he doesn't like to tell me about it. Maybe I'm being too pushy. Maybe I'm just too curious for my own good.

I wasn't like this with my roommate last year. I didn't know crap about his life unless he wanted to tell me, however, after living with him for half a year, he opened up like a book to me. I could ask him about anything and he let me know what was up.

Perhaps my roommate now is different. Perhaps he's not the same personality as my other roommate was. I don't know. I feel like if I room with people I want them to share any and everything with me. I want to know what is paining them. I want to giggle over dumb shit, eat popcorn, and talk about life together.

Is that too much to ask?

Maybe it is. I hate to be one to pry, so I guess I should just leave him alone. Maybe I should only talk to him when he feels like talking. However, my nature isn't going to let me do that I don't think. My crazy self isn't going to let me lay low and just take it. I just want to know what is wrong sometimes. I want to comfort him in whatever way I can...... however...... I guess that's not my job, is it?

I guess I need to just worry about my own life. I need to stop focusing on other people. I need to stop..........

I literally just stopped and stared at my keyboard for a second. I'm not sure what to do. GAH, this is just super crazy emotional blog post right now and I do apologize. This is not what the world needs in a return post from Daniel Freaking Jenkins.

More on my Halloween and Birthday Adventures in the coming posts, and I promise to update this a *bit* more regularly. Until then...

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 10/5/11

I Do Hate To Complain...

So... this last weekend has not been so hot.

To start things off, I broke up with my boyfriend. Yeah. I did. Me, who bitched and moaned about actually getting one realized that I only liked him because he liked me. I ended up calling him and trying to tell him after I spent the night at his place. So, I basically crushed his hopes and dreams.

So yeah, that was fun. :/

Today, I went on a very interesting bus ride with my friend, Mary. Our plan as to go to Best Buy to pre-order my copy of Arkham City so that I could get the Robin Character DLC, we end up going, getting on the bus and taking a giant round trip around town until we get back. We end up walking back to Cypress and getting food when I realized I forgot my ID and KEY on the bus. I was literally floored.

I called the Bus Station but they JUST closed. I will have to wait a couple of days to see if the lost and found finds it, but I'm expecting the worst. Which means I'll have to pay $85 dollars total for a new ID and a lock change. Which isn't fun at all.

I don't like weekends like this. They don't make me happy. I was having a grand old time last weekend, but this weekend kinda just bombed. Ah, well, C'est La Vie I suppose, or something to that effect anyways.

Please excuse my long complaint,

~This is Deej, signing off.

Confidence Is Key. Key To What, You Tell Me.

So, I think I've said more expletives in the past couple of days than I have in my entire 19 years of living. Not saying that is a bad thing though.

It's funny how whenever you come back somewhere, be it school, work, or wherever from a break, everyone decides that they need to say something that's changed about you. Has anyone else noticed that? It's like, you come back after a while and all of the sudden, "Oh, you grew," or "Oh, I like your hair!" It's never anything more than meaningless jibber-jabber that people use to get conversations going, that's why it's mostly focused on physical aspects, never emotional.

It's kind of strange though whenever you do come back and someone tells you, "Daniel, you've gotten sassy!!"

Have I? Because I don't really notice any differences.

I guess I owe it to my summer. Working those long, hot, sweaty days at Joe's Crab Shack definitely helped my confidence level go up. I mean, sometimes I just had to stand up for myself and "take control of my table," a phrase used by many an employee trainer speaking of how you must be the one taking the order, not receiving it. I struggled with this tactic, not going to lie. It was hard. For all of my life I had been very subservient in nature, bending to others' wills and doing whatever they wanted me to just so I could guarantee their friendship and closeness to me.

However, in the world of Serving Food, you can't be submissive. Like, at all. You have to tell your customers what is on what, how much is on what, and how much stuff is. You need to be on your A-game 100% of the time. However, sometimes it definitely felt like 110% to me. So, I kept putting in that 110% and I finally came out a winner I guess. By the end of my career as a waiter, I was taking orders like nobody's business and trying my absolute hardest to be the best I could.

I did notice one thing throughout my journey though... I was getting an attitude. I would be sassy sometimes with my co-workers during conversation about stuff, and I'd be very "in-your-face" about anything that was on my mind. I didn't know what to think. I had told myself I was going to change this summer, I just was surprised at the volume of the whole shebang.

So, I left Joe's Crab Shack, head held high and happy that I was done with them for good. I strutted to my car on the final day of work, I was literally elated to be done. My drive home was the biggest victory celebration I'd ever had. I literally danced like a maniac whilst driving all the way home.

When talking with my friends back home after I was done working, they noticed I was being a lot "fiercer," if you will. I was being upfront with my opinions, and my tongue was becoming razor-sharp and biting if I didn't like someone. I was little taken aback by what had happened to me. Was this a good thing? Was I going to be able to hold through with this? Eh, I figured I'd put it off until I'm back at UT.

So, in the end, I came back to college, READY TO LEARN like always. Anyways, as I hung out with some old and new friends, I got the feeling I was doing something different. They didn't look at me the same way, not in a bad way, just in a different way. I finally asked the incredibly dumb question, "Have I changed?" The overwhelming response was a ear-splitting "YES." They told me how I've gotten sassier, and more confident. I have been swearing almost ever other word. However, they liked it, they actually liked it.

I was being confident, and you know what world, it felt good.

It was so nice to be able to say what I wanted to say, whilst still being me. I could still be the cute Deej that I always was, but I am much more finger-waggin' now. Heck, my confidence even landed me some dates with a really nice guy. ( That's another blog post, though. ;P )

I guess I have learned how confidence really is key. Key to what, I'm still not sure on that subject, but I think I'm being pointed in the right direction.

And you know what? I'm actually genuinely happy with my life right now. Really. I'm not lying. And I've got to say it's the best feeling in the world.

~This is Deej, signing off.

"I've Been Having These Weird Thoughts Lately..."

Last night I had a dream. A particularly bad one. In it, the crap that went down last year that destroyed my psyche decided to rear its ugly head again in dream form. So I was stuck fighting it again thinking that I was going through it again.

I woke up in a cold sweat. My mind was racing and fuzzy, I didn't know whether I was still stuck in Nightmare-land, or if it was the cold, blistering reality that I had come to know. I looked over to my roommate's bed to see if he was snoozing, and it was empty. I figured he was over at his boyfriends. What a compliment to my dream. I wake up feeling lonely after just dreaming about losing people again and becoming lonely.

Now, I know I shouldn't get mad at my dreams, as they are a part of me. They represent some of the things I have been suppressing and I guess those feelings decided to manifest themselves on the eve of the last day of August. Maybe I need to give these things more thought. Maybe I'm not investing myself into these thought fully. Maybe I'm just being too emotional again.

I feel like my roommate doesn't like me anymore. I feel like he doesn't trust me at all. Which makes sense after what happened last year. We were best friends, but now.... we're just roommates. I don't feel any close bond like we had last year. It's gone. He's just another stick in the sand.

Maybe it's because I'm trying to stop feeling so deeply for him, but you can't expect someone like me to just drop someone like that. I care about everyone deeply, and even though I talk about myself a lot, I do care about other people, and I want people to feel good about themselves. We only have one life to live, right?

As I stare out my dorm room window at 11:35 AM, I have yet to find love or a fruitful relationship in my life. Who knows, it might come soon, it might not come until after college. What I do know is that I need to focus on myself. I can't worry or care about others too deeply. I have my biffles and I'm sticking to them. If they don't like me anymore then fine, I tried. And that's the best I can do.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Why I Love Me Some Catwoman

The Bipolarity of being a Cusp Child

So, I think I have super low blood sugar level right now, but I just feel like rambling, so THAT'S what I'm going to do!

I have just recently moved back to Austin, TX to start my Sophomore Year of college. It's definitely a surreal experience I can tell you that. I don't know really how to feel sometimes. I mean today, I have gone from getting crazy excited with my roommate about the amazing violin player living next door, to moping around and hating myself because I don't have a boyfriend whilst everyone else in the world seemingly does.

I don't know what it is about me. Maybe it's the Libra in me that wants to so deeply analyze my life. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me that feels so strongly in these decisions that every single one of them feels like life or death. I personally don't know world, but honestly I think it's a little of both.

I was researching my astrological sign today just because I wanted to. I mean, being bored on a Monday before school starts merits some Internet merriment, right?

I found out that I am on the Libra / Scorpio cusp, which puts me at the position where I am one of the most emotional, overpowering, and apparently vicious people you could ever meet. I read some of my traits out loud and did what everyone else does whilst reading daily astrological readings: "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO ME." However, this one was pretty accurate. This didn't exactly make me a very happy camper when I learnt I wasn't that great of a person.

I mean it said that I was very strong willed and willing to get things done when the time needed it. However, it also said I have trouble letting go and looking towards the future. I immediately felt my heart drop.

I mean, it's true, I do have trouble letting things go. Things that hurt me deeply take years for me to fully let go, but they do wither away into obscurity eventually. It just takes many hours of me moaning and wailing in my bed whilst hugging my pillow to finally do so. However, it's not like I can change this aspect of myself. I know that I'm always going to be over-emotional, and I know I'm always going to have incredibly difficult times getting over things. Time is my worst enemy I presume.

Anyways, as I sit here, low on my daily chocolate intake, I write from a very similar perspective like always. My famous Bipolarity about having such great friends and not having a boyfriend or significant other.

I wish I could stop this vicious cycle of self-loathing, but this Scorpio side in me is not going to let go of any emotional feelings that happen to drum up inside of me. It's just not going to happen. I mean, I even get emotional when someone mentions their boyfriend or something. I feel like it's something I'm missing out on, some secret club that I'm not a part of, some secret society that won't let me in.

My Libra side likes to show its ugly face in not letting me tell people that I love them and being indecisive about issues. I want everything to be perfect. I want the world to open up to me and for nothing wrong to happen in my life, however, my Scorpio side rears its ugly head and sends me into these stages where I am just self-loathing.

Personally, I think Astrology is a really neat subject, and maybe the stars do have some impact on the way you work and act, but also your upbringing I think factors into that as well. I personally like reading them for the heck of it, I just think it's fun to see if those horoscopes predict daily events that actually occur in my life. Astrology is definitely fun, but with all of these aspects from this Cusp I was born on, I'm not too keen on myself anymore.

However, at least it said I was attractive and sexy.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 8/20/11

Catwoman

So, yeah, I have told you guys about my feline fascination with Catwoman right? Well, it's still going strong, however, it's definitely hit a bump in the road today.

The official photo of Anne Hathaway as "Selina Kyle" hit the web today:

I just want to ask you guys, does this look like Catwoman to you? I personally didn't think so. The ears (which make her Catwoman) and whip are definitely missing. I was definitely fanboy-ing out about this earlier today, pretty much raging all over Facebook and going absolutely crazy, I kid you not. Some of my friends got mad at me and told me to stop complaining about it and trust Nolan.

I never said I didn't.

Nolan has made some truly amazing work. The last 2 Batman films by him were amazing no doubt. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was absolutely mind-blowing. And of course, I haven't seen Anne Hathaway in action as Selina Kyle so I can't really judge her acting, but I know Nolan has got something up his sleeve with this.

Which leads me to my next theory: I don't think Catwoman is even in this movie.

Think about it. The file name on the picture on the official website was "Selina Kyle," not Catwoman. I mean, yes, we know that is her alter ego, however, even when Warner Bros. announced the casting list Anne Hathaway was chosen as "Selina Kyle," not "Catwoman." She's not even credited as Catwoman. Maybe Catwoman's not even in this.

I don't know you guys. I seriously have heard so many different stories that I don't know what to think. I've heard that she's going to wear the mask at some point in the story but I don't know when. I guess we'll just see.

As of right now, I still love me some Michelle Pfeiffer, but we'll see what Nolan decides to do with this purrfect villainess in the near future.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Meow!

Anxiety is Creeping Into My Life Again. Oh Joy.

Well world, it's August, and you know what that means: CRAZY OMG BACK TO SCHOOL LET'S BUY YOU FIVE MILLIONS PENS AND PENCILS AND CLOTHES AND GO CRAZY OMG.

Yes, exactly that.

Now, it would seem like I should be calm about this next semester right? I should be calm and ready to take things as they come. I should be ready to just keep on moving with whatever happens. I should be excited and happy that school is starting again, right? Wrong.

I don't know what it is but I am actually really nervous about school starting again. Maybe it's because I'm not rooming with the same person. Maybe it's because I have big plans and goals for this semester. Maybe it's because I am more on the lookout for a potential relationship. Most likely it's a combination of many things. I'm just scared.

I mean, pardon my French, but shit went down last semester. It really went down. So many things happened in my life I couldn't understand which way was up. I was that confused by the time I came back to my hometown.

I've taken this summer to think about my life and analyze where I'm at, but I'm still INCREDIBLY nervous for the semester ahead. There's probably going to be many more firsts next semester than there were for this one, and I'll probably do more things I never would have done before. I don't know, world. UT is going to be crazy this semester, I can already tell. However, I'm excited to see what all it's going to bring at the same time. My thoughts are really random today, I apologize.

Anywho, I'm gonna head back to surfing Tumblr for hours waiting for pictures of Anne Hathaway in her Catwoman costume to show up. Please excuse me.

~This is Deej, signing off.

What I've Learned From My Experience As A Server

Well, the day came and went faster than I could've ever seen coming. I am officially not working for Joe's Crab Shack anymore.

I'm not sure how to assess my feelings right now, because frankly I'm a little depressed it's all over and that I won't see some of those people again, but it's also very nice to know I can enjoy the rest of my summer again. However, today wasn't without it's own special craziness.

I went in to work around 1:30 PM for my 2 PM shift. I waited in the "fish tank" for a few and chatted up some of my friends about how the day has been going, and all of the sudden the restaurant got slammed. People were pouring into the restaurant and I was triple sat in a matter of moments. My friends and family came in to eat at my table for my last day and things went well for them and they really liked it! I was very happy.

However, as the night rolled around I was cut because of my hours. I had hit overtime and they cut me, realizing it was time for me to get off the clock. And just like that, I was done. I rolled my silverware, did my side work, said a few very sad goodbyes and left Joe's Crab Shack... for good. That's not to say I haven't learned anything from my own experiences there, and here's a few things I have picked up on from being a server.

1. Pick Your Battles

Is it more important for you to be right, or to have a job? One of the better servers told us this before our shift started. She gave us an example of a time when her and one of the managers got into a certain exchange of words. She basically told us that you shouldn't pick fights even if you know you are right in your own regard. Just go along with what they say. You need the money.

2. People Are Needy

I've learned this one the hard way. Sure, there are going to be those tables that run you like crazy, and there were. However, when it happens a lot, it starts to grate on your every nerve. People will run you for sauces and drink refills like no other. It's just something you have to put up with I guess.

3. COMPLETE Explanations Are Key

If you don't tell someone that their Shirley Temple isn't a free refill and you go ahead and ring in more, they are going to hate you at check time. This has happened to me multiple times. I learned that if you don't explain things to people fully, they won't get the picture and you will look dumb.

4. CONSOLIDATION

If you have so much on your plate that you want to get it all done quickly, consolidate. It makes life so much easier. Check on everything at once. This goes for life too. Never ignore any of your problems. Take care of them all at once even if it means little by little. Anything helps.

Finally, 5. A Little Dancing Never Hurt Anyone

At Joe's, whenever the disco ball starts turning and the lights start going, that means a dance is about to happen. That's when you drop everything and get ready for a little "Stayin' Alive." This goes for life too. Whenever these moments happen where you can just drop everything and have some fun, do it. Sure, people will stare and laugh, but that's the fun and bravery in all of it. And don't forget to have fun whilst dancing, otherwise, what's the point?

I guess Joe's did leave me with a few lessons I'm going to know for the rest of my life. Oh well, even though this job left me at my wits end and breaking point in multiple occurrences, in the end, it was worth it, dancing and all.

Video Update - 7/21/11

Catwoman: My New Comic Book Obsession

So, I think I'm obsessed.

I definitely don't normally think I'm obsessed with things like this, but this might be an exception.

I usually have bursts of obsessions. I get obsessed with things like Mortal Kombat, Final Fantasy, or a new video game instantaneously. I play the nights away and Wikipedia everything about the series and the like. However, sooner or later the drug-esque craving subsides and I drift on down to baseline once again. It's fun when it lasts.

This is different however. Let me give you some background first.

I've always loved Catwoman since I was a kid. I was transfixed on her as Michelle Pfeiffer backflipped across the alleyways in Batman Returns. It was awesome, I'm not gonna lie. She was always my favorite as a kid just because of all of her gymnastic capabilities. She was quick, nimble, and super sneaky.

I tried my hardest finding video games which let me play as her. But that was to no avail. There was one Game Boy game that had her in it that came out and long time ago, but it definitely was not worth it in the slightest. So, I figured I'd just settle with watching her.

That all changed with Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe. Catwoman was a playable character. I screamed. I immediately rushed out, rented it, and played as Catwoman. Her playstyle was quick and nimble, although she wasn't as "flippy," which made me kind of sad. Anyways, Catwoman has always had this spot in my heart as one of my favorites.

Recently though, she's definitely climbed up higher.

I've been getting all of the comics she's had. I've bought Catwoman inspired shoes. I've even got a Catwoman visual guide coming to me sometime next week. I'm also debating on posters for my dorm room. It's bad.

However, most of this is due to Batman Arkham City's release in October and The Dark Knight Rises. Both of these are featuring Catwoman in big roles. Arkham City is going to make Catwoman playable, and the Dark Knight rises features Anne Hathaway as the sultry villain. I have been scouring the internet for any news on Anne Hathaway's costume, as it's sure to be my wallpaper as soon as the promotional media of her is released like Bane's was.

Anyways, that's a look into my obsession. I love me some Selina Kyle. And okay, I'll shut up now. :x

~This is Deej, signing off.

My Thoughts On My Life Recently

Summer is halfway over. It's already flown so quickly I can't believe it.

I still remember walking back into my room after my commute from Austin. The nostalgia filled my lungs and I was ready to sit back and try to unwind from my emotional roller coaster ride I had back at the University.

I started out the Summer relatively rough enough. I was running around job hunting and trying to find some decent way to earn money. I went through several job applications and filled them out furiously, just waiting for a response back. That was the beginning of my Summer, just laziness and job searching. However, it was not free of drama.

I still was feeling bad about where I had been in the past few months. I was still clinging on to something that I was missing. I hadn't let go yet. I was wishing for something that would never happen. I still had a pain in my heart whenever I saw that person's name or whenever we talked. It still hurt.

This battle stayed with me for a few weeks and even as I was job searching. I felt lonely, as if I'd never find anyone. However, the cold air that I felt in League City finally set in. I realized what I realized in High School a couple of years back.

I was never going to find anyone in this town.

I could search and search to my hearts content, but nothing would come up for me. It would just cause more painstaking days for me that I would have to deal with... and I don't know if I'd want to put myself through any of that ever again.

So, as the Summer grew on through June and I started working, the drama and turmoil of my mind started to slip. I only found myself thinking about it whenever I'd go to bed at night or have any "down time" (as stated in an earlier blog post). My sense of desperation kept on picking away at me, and my lack of a computer for what is like 2 weeks now is not helping me in any way whatsoever.

However, after my long, hard night working the 4th of July at my job, running around on people's beck and whim, trying to grab drinks and plates and the like, I had a change of heart. You wanna know what I figured out?

I just don't give a F%#$ anymore.

I mean seriously. All of my life, I have been caring and caring, and it gets me nowhere. All soon to be 20 years of my life I have cared for everyone so much, and I haven't gotten any relationships out of it. I have been screwed over so many times and I have ended up crying so many times. I have been an emotional wreck more times than you can count with your fingers and toes. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being so emotional.

Maybe I can't change that I'm emotional. Fine. Maybe I can't change that I'm always going to care about people more than they do about me. Fine. But I'm NOT getting stepped on any more. I'm sick of people using my feelings just so that they can feel good and better about themselves.

Basically, if you want to show me that you care, you can. But don't expect it from me so much anymore unless you reciprocate it. I'm through giving all of my love to "walls." I give and I give and I never expect anything in return. Which is a great trait, but once again, after 20 years of just giving my emotions away and never expecting anything back... I want at least a "thank you" or a "I love you too."

Am I entitled to that at all? Some of you may argue no. But I feel like I need to start being stronger in who I am. Maybe it's time to be that Sassy Gay Friend I was pretending to be for Halloween, so I wouldn't have to be so weak.

Who knows, world? My Summer has brought so many changes into my life it's crazy. I just hope now that I'm level-headed I can sift through them and start picking out the good ones and finally empty my mind of all of this melodramatic nonsense before school starts up again in the Fall.

Because I know that once Fall comes, it's Emotional Roller Coaster 2.0, and I'm ready to ride.

~This is Deej, signing off.

I Need Distractions

So, I did it again today. I thought about my personal drama.

I really shouldn't have. I mean, I have been worrying so much about having to pay off my new laptop because I spilt Gatorade all over my last one. I also should be worrying about work. Every single day brings new adventures / challenges that I have to face so I don't know why I have begun to worry about myself again.

I guess it's because of the short bouts of "down-time" I have, like now. Those short periods of time before I go in to work, or before I go to bed, where I just sit there like a bump on a log and do nothing but moan and groan about my total lack of allure. I personally don't know why I think I'm unattractive. I just do. It's definitely not a healthy aspect of my personality, but I do it anyway. Maybe it's because of my lack of having any sort of a relationship in my whole life. Maybe it's just my, (pardon my PG-13ness), sexual frustration. I have no idea. I will just sit and think about all of my past drama and dwell on it for hours. It sucks.

So, I try video games. And for the first time in all of my life, those don't help much at all. I end up playing fighting games because they are short and sweet. I feel lazy because I don't want to pop in an RPG and play the hours away, I just don't want to. Weird, right? However, I do manage to slip in like Mortal Kombat or something and play for a couple of minutes just to amuse myself. It's a very short term thing though. It never lasts.

Why are my summers like this? They are so incredibly lazy that I get nothing special done at all. Usually I'd be in California right now living it up in Disneyland, but now I'm just video gaming and waiting tables. It has caused me to mull over my life in preportions greater than I have ever done before. I wish I wouldn't mull so much. I need to stop. I need distractions...

Or maybe I just need someone to fall asleep with... someone that will take me away from all of this... someone that will just grab my hand and take me somewhere that I don't know.... someone to love.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 6/26/11

Just A Feeling

I hate to start off with one of those all-encompassing dramatic questions, but here goes: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?

Okay, so after that outburst you are probably hoping for an explanation, and I will give it to you. However, there is one ground rule I must put down.

I will not use any names in my explanation just because I want to protect privacy of the people. Unless it's my feelings, then OF COURSE I'll talk about myself and use my name!

Now that's cleared up, on to the story...

So, this summer has been good to me so far.

I've got a job and finally started to nail my serving abilities, and I was even complimented by two ladies who were dining that I was a good waiter. Also, I've bought and beaten Alice: Madness Returns and have loved every crazy second of it. I wanna do a 2nd Play-through later on in the summer for 100% purposes, but not now.

On the topic of personal drama. You know, the stuff that inhabited every waking minute of every last blog post I had in my 2nd semester of college? Yeah, that stuff. Anyways, it has been clearing up over the past few months. I have been away from it and since I have been stressing and freaking out over my new job for the last few weeks I haven't really had the time to sit down and think about it. It's been nice, I must say.

However, there is one thing that just irks me to no end. This "feeling."

So, there's this person on Facebook. They are one of my friends. However, I'm not going to sit here and say we haven't had our problems. We have, like all friends do.

It's not that talking to this person is a problem, I mean, I can talk with them just fine. It's something beyond that.

You see, whenever I log into Facebook I check my notifications, then my Chat people to see who's online and who will probably try to contact me. It's with this person that something happens.

I see them online and suddenly I get this "feeling." It's not a good or bad feeling necessarily, it's just like an equivalent to a slight jab in the gut, with just enough power to make you flinch a little from the blow. It sounds really confusing, and I apologize but I can't really explain it. It's like there's something inside of me that decides to go a little hay-wire whenever I see this person online. I don't get it. It's like part fear, joy, depression, and anger at the same time. It's like a Bible-scope flood of emotions that doesn't give me the time to build up my Ark of self-confidence to weather it successfully. It just hits me.

I don't know what's causing it. I mean, I've been doing fine this summer... really. I haven't thought about it at all unless it's really late at night and I am in one of my worry sessions. I guess I'm still attached to a core problem and I haven't fully healed yet. My scab hasn't done it's job fully, it's still working.

I don't know, world. Seriously, I don't. I told one of my friends that really I'm just in a "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment, because I'm seriously getting tired of trying to control my life to make certain outcomes possible. I have to learn to roll with the punches and be willing to get back up when I get knocked down, so to speak, and not lay there planning my next attack. My life can get pretty crazy, and when I bring love and relationships into the equation, I just lose track of my well being.

So, I know I totally went off topic there. Whoops. But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that "feeling" I'm getting and it's pissing me off that it won't go away. Oh well, maybe in a couple more weeks I'll lose grip on it and it will slip away. Here's hoping anyway, because I need sleep.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Serving You Happiness On A Silver Platter

Blog! I am so sorry I have been taking forever to write down an entry. A LOT has been going on and I'll be more than happy to let y'all in on all of the details:

So, I am now a Server at Joe's Crab Shack at the Kemah Boardwalk. The Boardwalk is a place where people come from far and wide just to eat, play games, and have a good time. Apparently it's REALLY notorious as a touristy attraction. However, it's also notorious as being a place of terrible jobs as well. People have been known to faint of heat exhaustion only to wake up in HR a few hours later not knowing how they got there. So yeah, scary stuff.

And here I was, coming home from college ready to make my first foray into the working world. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I went from place to place filling out job applications and waiting for call backs. However, I was growing impatient. I had heard of the Kemah experience from many classmates from high school who had worked there before. They had always told me to steer as far away as possible. I had heard horror stories, as stated above about what can go on. I decided that Kemah was my last resort.

So, about a week passed and I hadn't gotten any callbacks. I felt like my chances of getting a job were slim. I decided to head on over to the place that I knew was hiring.... The Kemah Boardwalk.

After going through a brief interview and HR process, I was placed as a Server at Joe's Crab Shack. I had training in 2 Friday's from then and it seemed like everything was going into place. However, I started to worry, (as always). A lot of my friends were getting hired as well and I felt like I wasn't going to get any hours. Walmart and Old Navy started calling me back to see if I was still available and whilst I went to Old Navy for an interview, they basically turned me down by never calling me back. So, off to Joe's I went.

I arrived at the first day of training scared out of my mind. I didn't know what to expect. The class I was with seemed nice though, and I was glad I was making some friends. All of the sudden we were greeted by papers and folders and told we needed the whole menu memorized by the 150 question final next Friday.

I went into ultra study mode. I crammed every single night to get all of the info in my brain. It took me a while to do so, but I made it through every day of training ALMOST unscathed. I had these things called "follows" as well, which are where you "follow" a server around the restaurant and basically be a "trainee" of Joe's. Believe me, my first one was abysmal, but my other two went pretty well and I'm glad.

So, the final came. I went to class, palms sweaty and nervous. I was handed the two finals, both INSANELY LONG, and I finished them as they were playing ABBA songs in the background. It was great, and I snickered a little.

So, my first day was upon me. After a few mix-ups with scheduling I was scheduled to work at 3 that day. After running around looking for aprons and stuff we got situated and I was working.

Goodness y'all serving is hard. It's a lot of running around and checking on people, but there's a certain rhythm to it that I have been starting to get the hang of. I had a mix of good and bad tables, but in the end I made a $20 credit card tip on an $80 check, and I walked home with $44 dollars in cash tips, which was fine by me. My legs were sore and I was tired, but in the end I think it was enlightening. I have work today at 5 as well, so we'll see how that goes.

Anyways, that's what's been up here, I hope you guys are all doing well. And don't forget to drop by Joe's if you can, and I'll make your experience one to remember! (Or I'll try my best, at least.)

~This is Deej, signing off.

Sleepthinkin'

When I was younger, I went to bed every night at 9:00 PM on the dot and woke up at 7:00 AM to get ready for my Elementary School life to begin that day. The only thing that would inhibit me from passing away into these wondrous restful young years of sleep was if I had been watching a horror flick before bedtime. Some days, like after I watched The Ring for example, I went upstairs and basically read Pokemon books in my room until 5 AM, because I would always be concerned that some creepy black haired girl was going to crawl out of my TV at any second and turn my face into a twisted nightmare.

However, as my Intermediate and High School years approached, I was acquainted with my other inhibitor of sleep that would follow me throughout college: Thinking.

Now, this may not seem like such a bad thing. I mean, thinking before sleep is good, right? You can go over everything that you have gotten done before bed and you can feel comfortable about where everything is at in your life, right?

Wrong.

You see, my thinking doesn't involve mental checklists and sheep casually jumping over a fence so that I may drift off into a lush wonderland, it involves a lot of worry and mind-racing.

I worry constantly. It's something I do. Any one of my good friends can tell you that. In fact, I might've had a blog entry about this earlier. Anyways, I'm not good at just "not worrying." I can't be "worry/stress free." That term doesn't exist to me. I believe that it's a comfort word that I use whenever I have things I need to be worrying about but I choose to just cloud them over with sensory pleasures and other things that inhabit my mind.

So, as I am laying in bed, naturally I start to worry. I worry about friends, relationships, homework, job opportunities, love, physical body image, classes, reports, etc. If you can think about it, it's been in my late night worry sessions, trust me. Once I start thinking about one, it's over. My mind will race and tear through countless other branches of thoughts that come out of this one idea, and it will end up wrecking my psyche to the point where I just break down.

These sessions have brought me to tears on multiple occasions. I just end up slamming myself with insults in the end about how I am ugly, nerdy, worthless, and how I don't deserve anybody in this world. The record for how long one of these cry/think sessions have gone on you ask??

3 and a half hours.

(Side Note: This may seem like a "pity party post" by me and I apologize if it is coming across that way, but I just wanted to share some of my life and what I am going through sometimes with the public. I mean, it is a blog, right? I'm allowed to talk about my feelings and ramble on about things that you might not even care about, right?)

Anyways, what I've learned about my "Sleepthinkin'" sessions is this: They get me nowhere. I will end up worrying for hours upon end just to end up at a blank slate of tears galore. I don't end up helping myself at all. But helping myself is what I need to be doing. I need to be telling myself that I am indeed worth it and I will find someone eventually, but I also need to make sure I stay strong. I can't be the weak person afraid of hurting even the smallest feeling so that I can be happy. I mean, I don't want to hurt feelings at all, but sometimes I know that I have to be at least get my own feelings across. I just need to be strong.

You know, I used to like Britney Spears's song "Stronger" only for the catchy chorus and amazing beat. In my younger years, I danced around the house and appropriately flexed during the songs pivotal chorus. It was fun. However, now I'm actually listening to the lyrics and understanding that maybe that song has more to do with my life than just a catchy tune.

So, as I go to sleep the next few nights, I just have to keep believing "my loneliness ain't killing me no more," and that way I'll be "stronger than yesterday," or last night, rather.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I just got done watching one of my favorite movies, "Coraline."

It's a story about a girl who moves to her new house and wishes for a better life due to her "not interested in Coraline" parents and her cooky neighbors. She then discovers a magical door that leads her to her "other" home. Complete with "other" parents, neighbors, and the like. This is the world she's always wanted, but it turns out to be more than what she bargained for.

If you watch the movie soon or have seen the movie you (will) know what I am I talking about. However, I'm mainly using this movie tie-in to help boost my topic for today in a way. So, here we go.

In life, do you ever feel as though if you had one wish you could make it all better? One wish that would correct all the wrongs in your life and just make it worth living again? I have to say I have been in that situation before, so don't be ashamed if you have been on this same train of thought. Sometimes I have wanted to just wish it all away, or just wish I could get away from these people for once so I can breathe and feel better.

However, would that one wish just make some Robin Williams-ified genie say "Abracadabra" and make it all better? If you are answering yes and nodding your head along with the words I am typing then I suggest you listen closely to this next line. Are you ready for some writer-title-tie-in-magic? Well, here it goes: Be Careful What You Wish For.

Now, I understand that some problems seem impossible to solve. Believe me, I know. Some of those problems make us want to crawl into our beds, cover ourselves, and wish it all away. We wish that these things could go away by any means necessary, and of course we don't mean by ANY MEANS, however, we are so caught up in our emotions we don't think before we say anything. Things just slip out.

For example, let's say you had some serious drama with your significant other. You are furious and coming into your room storming, raging, and posting nasty things about them on Facebook. You are extremely livid. You crawl into bed after some weak attempts by friends to make you feel better and you just wish right before you fall asleep that you wouldn't have to deal with that person anymore, even though you still love them. The next morning you wake up to a voicemail saying that the person doesn't want to do this with you anymore, and he or she is breaking up with you.

You got your wish. Was it worth it?

What I'm getting at is throughout life we make many idle wishes. We wish for new video games, straight A's, love to strike us blindly whilst we are walking home from school, and many others. However, we see that these wishes barely come to fruition sometimes and we just lose all of our faith in wishes since we don't get the things we want. Then, when we do get our wishes, they always are things that seem good at first, but have drastic side effects in the end. Then, we are even deeper in our own troubles than we once were.

We need to really be extremely careful what we are wishing for, and I'm totally serious about this. Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, and we end up just tempting it with all of our "wishes."

So, I hate to be morbid, but the next time you feel as though you could wish all of your problems away, please think twice, because I know I'd rather not have buttons sewn on my eyes.

I do apologize for the rather creepy and macabre blog entry. Have great weeks y'all!

~This is Deej, signing off.

Reflections on Life... FUN!

Dancing Queen

So, you know those songs that you listen to because they make you happy? Those songs that make you feel no ill will towards the world and you just want to get up and just dance the night away? Yeah, I have a couple of those.

1. Bring it all Back - S Club 7

I don't know what it is about this song. I have loved it ever since like 2nd grade. I used to sing it every time I cleaned my room as it was upbeat and I could do fake dance moves whilst vacuuming the floor. I'd always end up tripping over the power cord a couple times, but it was just a fun song. The lyrics of the song are all about self empowerment and loving yourself. Yeah, and I know Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Christina have been doing this, but this was the first song that struck that self-empowerment chord with me. I still call it my favorite song to this day.

2. Dancing Queen or Mamma Mia - ABBA

Both of these songs hold equal value for me. So yeah, I know I never lived in the 70's ever, but I don't know what it is about these songs, but the infectious melodies and lyrics NEVER leave my head. Dancing Queen makes me want to do oh-so-trite 70's dance moves, but that's what makes it fun! I will dance the night away to Mamma Mia as well, as these both contain beats that are just insanely mesmerizing.

3. The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga

Okay, so this is the song Lady Gaga has most recently put out as a promotional single for Born This Way. It's catchy, upbeat, and VERY 80's. If you listen to it, it can get VERY infectious. It's a song that WILL make you get up and dance to it. It like demands that sort of treatment. I don't know, I'm a sucker for dance beats, what can I say??

--------------------------------

Anyways, I know this blog post was really weird and not like my normal ones where I talk about life and be all philosophical and stuff, but I just wanted to give y'all a taste I suppose about my musical preferences. I'm just a dance music nerd, what can I say? Also because I have a final tomorrow that I am massively procrastinating for. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 5/4/11

Your Head and Your Heart

You know those times whenever everyone is giving you the same piece of advice, and your head is telling you ever single time to follow it, because it is being suggested by an overwhelming majority? Also, your heart is the only thing that stands between you and following the advice that is taken, because your heart doesn't want to let go?

I am definitely in one of those situations now.

Today wasn't one of my best days. I came back from a Japanese study session and felt so incredibly terrible about myself. I crawled into bed and took an hour long nap just so I could forget about the world for a brief second. I awoke around 7, the dining hall was already closed so I had no where to grab a bite, and I proceeded, like always, to post on Facebook how depressed I was. One of my really great friends then chatted me and told me to come over, and I did and she helped me feel a little better. We talked about the situation and I got the same piece of advice from her that I'd gotten from my roommate the day before.

I honestly don't know what to think right now.

As an aside, I'm totally friend zoning it up with this guy I like, I can already tell. Ah well, that's just me I suppose, I suck at telling people how I actually feel or just asking people out, but I am SO GOSH DARN PERFECT at making friends. I hate to sound so incredibly desperate, but can I please just like get lucky... just once?

Anyways, back to my situation. My head is telling me to follow the advice given to me by my friends, but I don't know what to think. I don't want to because my heart is telling me something completely different. And it hurts to think of it any other way. My friends were being perfectly logical in their reasoning, but my emotional self can't listen to reason half of the time and wants to follow my heart.

I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and have a "Jesus Take the Wheel" moment, as I certainly can't do this on my own.

Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Beautiful

Recently I have been addicted to the song "Pretty Girl Rock" by Keri Hilson. I would recommend it, if you like R&B/Pop.

Anyways, at first listen, this song may seem like it's about some stuck up lady who thinks that everything is about her and that she is pretty and everyone else is just "hatin'." However, if you listen to the song a little more closely, at one point in the lyrics she says, "I know that I'm pretty, and if you know it too, then ladies sing it with me." Now, this can be taken as a sort of mean lyric, but what she means is that we must learn to love ourselves for all that we are, and we can't beat ourselves up over things we came into this world with. I hate to use the now oh so cliched line from Lady Gaga, but "baby you were born this way."

Now, I'm not saying that we should all wake up in the morning every day and feel like a million dollars. Not at all. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like my hair is a mess, I look terrible, and I'm in a hurry and I'll never look good in time. In other words, I feel like a piece of junk. However, do I go out into this world with this feeling that I am junk? No, that's not what we have to do. We have to go out into the world feeling like we could be put on that "Antiques Roadshow" TV show and learn that we are worth one million dollars. We can't look at ourselves as junk.

So, you've got your mindset ready about being this amazing treasure and you are headed out to hang out with some friends to do some fun stuff. Then, you and your friends are strolling along in the mall and looking around at whatever you wish to purchase that fine day, and then, like on cue, you are bombarded by the "Mainstream" idea of beauty. You see half naked men in Abercrombie and thin striking women posing in the Hollister ads, and you start to feel down. You look down at your body and wish it were like that, and then the self-hate starts to rise up. Ultimately, you lose this sense of self-worth as the day goes on and you get right back to where you started from when you woke up.

I haven't been safe from this treatment, and I know that this isn't something you can get over in like a day or two. This sense of self-love has to come over time, or else you'll never be able to walk by those stores without feeling ugly. This is a process.

Now, person reading this: I want you to read and listen, (not physically, unless you are reading out loud), to what I am going to tell you. Now listen good.

You are beautiful. You are special and there is someone in this world that would be worse off without you in this world. You light up someone's life in this world, and if you don't believe me, (which I can understand if you don't), talk to one of your closest friends. They'll tell you. Don't feel ugly. You have every right in this world to feel comfortable in who you are, so don't let those haters bring you down.

I personally think those Abercrombie and Hollister models are stuck up and prude, whilst your personality is a thousand times better than theirs could ever be.

In this world, vanity may be great and all, but if we don't look what's inside of the book, read reviews, and figure out what it's all about, we may truly be "judging books by their covers." So, the next time you see a tattered, warn out book, make sure you pick it up and give it a read. I'm sure it just might be one of the best books you've ever read.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Over-Emotional

Throughout my life, I have grown up to believe I am over-emotional, a.k.a. melodramatic. I cry over spilled milk for hours, I whine if I have a small cut, and even a simple remark someone makes will be turned into an emotional attack on my psyche. It can get bad.

However, as college has been drawing on and on, I have found out that being over-emotional also has its own upsides too.

1. You are able to empathize with others. (I was told this by Ashley Hall, thanks by the way)

As you go through life and hear about people's problems, sometimes I know you just want to just tune them out and focus on your own. Sometimes you just want to pretend like you are listening just because you want to keep that friend, and then you get caught in one of those moments where they ask you advice or what they just said, and you really do need to "chew it over with Twix." Okay, blatant product placement aside, I feel as though with me being over-emotional, I'm able to understand the pain that person has gone through, because maybe I have suffered through that same kind of emotional pain. I maybe have a sort of familiarity with the situation. This empathy would help me to connect with more people greatly, as it's always nice whenever someone has actually "placed him/herself in you shoes" so to speak.

2. Your care is easily shown to others and seems genuine.

If you are a person like me who shows his or her heart on his or her sleeve, then you know what I'm talking about. You like to tell people you love them every day. You want people to recognize that you would do anything for them, and you want them to say it back. You need a sort of emotional balance within this world to survive, so when you say, "Hey, I love you," or something of the sort, it just sounds genuine. Sure, I'm victim of saying, "Love you," to some of my friends, but if I say, "I love you," to you, just know that means you are one of the most important people in my life and I would do anything for you. Just sayin'.

3. You are really good at theatre.

I'm not kidding. You can laugh it up all you want, but people like me know it to be true. I can be VERY melodramatic if the situation calls for it, and that's just what this over-emotional lifestyle has. You are pushed to the breaking point in some of these situations and it makes you feel like you are on a daytime soap opera, however, it's just your life. You are then able to transfer this emotional power you have into your theatre, and as far as I have been told, I can be VERY dramatic.

Am I saying that this over-emotional thing is an always good thing and one should always aim to be over-emotional? No. However, if one is over-emotional by nature, I don't want that person to be discouraged by the media and be told that it is a bad thing. Over-emotional people make the world go 'round. We need these people to start movements, build buildings, and make change. If people were just mundane, the world wouldn't be fun.

What I'm saying is that if you are over-emotional, don't fret, your happily ever after is on its way, and no amount of worrisome stepmothers, evil queens, or witches is going to change that. So go ahead and sing your little songs about your Prince coming and how your dreams are a wish your heart makes... because I know I will.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Letting Go

Video Update - 4/23/11

Living Life

You know, if there is one thing I've learned in college, it's that I must live and love life more.

Now, I know that sounds pretty philosophical, but I'm just feeling all moody right now. Before I came to college, it was just day in and day out waiting. I would wait for a new video game to release, for my tests to be over, and to have graduated already. This non-stop waiting consumed my life, and when I had time to just chill and relax, I never was able to stop and "smell the roses." This constant want of having something to wait for would always come and rear its ugly head. I guess I just had nothing to really love and cherish in high school. It was just day in and day out struggles to survive in a socially harsh environment.

Once I got to college though, things changed.

I went into college waiting for Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep to release. I was very excited, to the point where I would insert it into any conversation I was having, and I would slightly verge on insanity if someone even mentioned it slightly. I have to admit, it was bad. However, after I got it and the "New Game Syndrome" wore off, I have to admit, I was so bored. I had no other games to look forward to at all, and I felt completely lost. I tried hanging out with friends, but then I started focusing on my personal problems more.

You see, video games were always a distraction to me in my life, they took me away from focusing on my own problems. They put me in a world where my worries just melted away. It was nice. However, in the end, the peaks of happiness drew farther and farther apart, and soon I was totally focused on myself.

I would end up beating myself up over looking like a creeper that day, and I spent most of last semester focusing on my own life, trying to sort out my sexuality, my body-image, and my heart. It was hard, but I made some strides that I thought were pretty substantial.

Then... this semester came along.

All of the sudden, I met Tyler Wynne. I got to know him over Winter Break and we got really close. It was insane how much we connected. We seemed to be totally biffles from then on. I felt it was fate.

Throughout this semester, I was pushing myself to grow closer to Tyler, to get to know him more and be the best friend he's ever had, and I think I might've pushed so much that it lead to a mistake on both of our parts.

Then the feces really hit the fan.

I started doubting my relationship with Tyler. I thought it was all for naught. I sat and cried and cried some nights thinking I was going to lose him. It hurt, and some of that pain still hits me sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I still have nights where all I do is just sit and cry. They haven't gone away yet, but I'm trying every day.

As Tyler and I began to stop talking to each other every day, as we began to give each other some room, I began to grow. I became much more outspoken in my opinions, I became more confident in what I think, and I just learned that instead of "impenetrable walls" around my trust zones, I need to put "gates," so that people still have the chance to get to know the real me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I should just quit being best friends with Tyler. Not at all. Tyler has been amazing. However, I can't run to him for every little problem I have. I mean, he is my best friend, but still, I don't want to be a burden.

Anyways, as I was sitting there in my solemn silence thinking about Tyler and me, I did a little soul-searching like always. Suddenly, an epiphany struck me, (as they tend to do). I realized that I haven't stopped and enjoyed the time I had been having with my friends. I had just been wanting more, or waiting for the next day or something. I haven't been enjoying all of the precious seconds I have had with them, and I haven't been enjoying life. I've just been going through the motions, thinking something big, (E.g. Love), is on its way, and I'm waiting for the UPS guy.

However, I learned in life that you just have to let that package get here when it's going to get here. You can't keep tracking the information every single minute, just like you can't keep pushing and searching for love, as you'll just be unsatisfied in the end. Basically, I'm saying that life is meant to be enjoyed, not worried or waited on.

So, to use one of my fun metaphors, instead of waiting for the ride to be over, sit back, relax, and enjoy it, because on this ride known as life, you only get to ride it once. However, don't be afraid to put your arms up sometimes and just enjoy the ride, because you know you want to be smiling and looking good in that picture they take at the final drop.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Naïveté

As a child, I only saw the world in black and white. There was good, and there was bad. There was happy, and sad. There were no grey areas that blurred the lines. I also believed that true love conquered all and that I would have a happy ending someday and ride off into the sunset with the one I love. I strove to make these beliefs and aspirations real. I did everything I could to prevent myself from seeing the world through different eyes. I didn't want to change my viewpoint that had gotten me this far, but as I approached high school, that started to change.

In high school, I would do nothing but go home, sit on my computer, and browse the internet constantly. The internet seemed to be like my home away from home. I could just sit there and browse and browse the impossible limits of the internet until I found something that amused me for more than a couple minutes. It was nice, and I believed that this is what everybody else in high school did too. I thought everybody else was "goody-goody" like me and weren't doing anything like... dare I say it, have SEX, or DRINK ALCOHOL. Those I thought were taboo in high school, but I was dead wrong.

After going on many band trips and gossiping the night away with my fellow roommates, I learned indeed that my life did indeed pale in comparison to these other high school kids. Some of these students were having sex at insane rates, drinking almost every weekend, and going out to party instead of doing their schoolwork. I now understood why so many kids never got their work turned in on time, a fact that always boggled me.

Still, I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to think. I thought that everybody else in this dramatic cesspool of a place known as high school was doing whatever they could to succeed, but I was wrong.

So it was with this that my naïve outlook on life was indeed hit with a heavy blow, and I was faced with the struggle of becoming that realist who doesn't believe in those happy endings or fairy tale-esque loves, or continuing to wish on those stars and believe in those happy endings. It was such a struggle that I didn't really place my beliefs on life anywhere until after high school and just recently in college.

After going through the things I have been through, and experiencing a lot of new things firsthand, I've realized that this naïve nature on life is what I'd rather have. And I mean, not so much that I think that certain races are better than others or anything like that, but I mean about my outlook on love. I don't feel that giving up on looking for the fairy-tale ending is going to help me out. Sure, it might not be the best way to look at things, but at least I'm not giving up. I want to wish and hope that my "Prince Charming" will be there for me when the time is right. That way, I can gleefully get swept off of my feet and put into the carriage, pumpkin and all, and we can drive into the sunset, all the while, me knowing that my childhood was indeed right, and I'm actually going to live happily ever after.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Smile

"Smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by." ~ Charlie Chaplin

In honor of Mr. Chaplin's birthday, I wanna touch on something that most of us do everyday but don't know the actual power that is within it. Yes indeed, it is a smile.

You know, my semester as of late has been nothing short of crazy. I've been through some pretty heart-wrenching drama, I've been the president of an organization which I love, and I've made some friends who I think I'm gonna stick with the rest of my life. So many emotions have gone through my head this semester that at some points I don't even know what to think anymore. It's just a mess. However, there is one thing that never fails to brighten my day:

A Smile.

Now, sure, I know what you're thinking. "Daniel, what's a smile got to do with anything? There are so many types of smiles. Some people smile when they are angry or sad, just to mask their emotions."

Yes, random person's thoughts, I do understand where you are coming from. In fact, I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't done that, because indeed I have. I go to parties or social gatherings and just sit there with a dumb grin on my face like everything is "A-Okay" in my world, when in fact everything is crumbling down. I'll go home from these things and just cry, because I can never be real to anyone, and it hurts. However, this ISN'T the smile I want people to have.

I want people to smile even when they are feeling down, but I don't want them to mask it. I want them to let people know that they are indeed going through a rough time, but to smile, and just let others know that they are trying their very hardest to get through this inner turmoil they seem to be going through.

I'm not saying this is going to be easy, in fact, it'll probably be much more the opposite. I have been smiling a lot recently because of my drama, and believe me it's one of the hardest things I've done, but I can say it works. I feel inherently better about my days if I just put a smile on and let the world know that I am indeed trying to feel good about myself, and I am indeed trying my hardest to push for the happiness I crave. However, if you believe that this won't work, or you have any doubts whilst doing this, it won't work. Yeah, it's kind of one of those all or nothing things, but what do you have to lose by just smiling??

Also, the power of your own smile can really affect another person's day as well. The fact that you are showing that gumption and faith to stick it out there and just believe in yourself, others will look at you and start feeling better about themselves in the end. This help for others will indeed strengthen your own resolve as well.

Of course, I'm not saying that this is going to work all of the time. I'm not saying it will work at all. Maybe your hurt is so bad you need to talk to someone, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Talk your leg off. It helps as well. I just want you to at least try the smile method. Once again, what do you have to lose??

So, your goal for today is to go out into the world and just smile. That's all I will ask of you. Whatever you do today, whether it be hang out with friends, play video games, go clubbing or anything else, just go into it with a warm smile on your face and, to be all Disney with my metaphors, watch the magic happen.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 4/12/11

Happiness

Don't get too excited people, I'm still working out of my depression one step at a time. This is just a little talk of my own on what I think happiness really is.

Happiness. What comes to mind when you think of this? Unicorns? Rainbows? Smiles?

Well, for me it usually comes with visions of chocolate and/or peanut butter, but that's besides the point. When I envision happiness, I see laughter, genuine conversation, and love. Lots and lots of love.

Is it bad for me to see love whenever I envision happiness? Maybe. But I'm not talking about romantic love here. I'm not speaking of the Disney Princess falling in "LOVE" with Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I'm speaking of the closeness and tight bonds one feels with the people one is around, this certain feeling of "love" that brings us to happiness.

My happiness in my life has always been ephemeral. It has always come and spiked whenever I got a new video game, aced a test, or made a new friend, and ultimately it would begin to wane as time went on. However, throughout college, I've been learning that this ephemeral happiness that I've begun to grow accustomed to isn't what I really should be aiming for and hoping on.

I've learned that I need to grow out of this view of just wanting this spike of happiness day in and day out. I can't just want these spikes of random happiness every day because I have been tanking down to even below baseline more often than naught with this want. I need to search and find that constant stream of happiness that will keep me sane and not so depressed.

Where do I find this you ask?

Well, at my first glance you would expect someone like me to say, "MY BIFFLES, DUH!!" However, after talking with one too many people on the subject matters with my life as of late, I've learned that I can't put too much emphasis on my biffles. I sometimes feel like I run to them for ALL of my problems and when they can't help me I just break. I place them so highly that I lose some of my self-worth in the process. I just can't do that anymore. Biffles, don't get me wrong, I care about you guys, but throughout my current actions, I've learned that there is one person I need to look for for that ultimate happiness...

(To quote "All That,") "THAAAAAAAAAT'S ME!"

People can be great to help you out of a rut and make you happy. However, they aren't really grabbing your mind and turning a "happy switch" on. You are the one who is interpreting the care and love you receive from them as happy. You are the one making all of the decisions in life. I've learned that yes, whilst I do need to rely on my friends, I can't put them so far up on the pedestal that I lose my own self-interest and cause my own worth to go plummeting down.

I know what makes me happy in this life, and I know what is helping me overcome it. I know what I need to go from an extremely bad day to an extremely good day. Only I know what I truly need in this world. My friends can guess, and my biffles can know maybe 75% of the time what I need, but only I know 100% of the time how much time I need, how much room I need, and what exactly I need physically, emotionally, or personally to help me out of my ruts.

My individuality has become lit, now all I need to do is feed the fire. I must be proud in who I am and love myself unconditionally. Then others will begin to love and respect me. It sounds extremely cliche and I know, but it does have some truth behind it and I've seen it happen. Now I just have to make sure I keep on trucking in this world, whilst dancing along to the radio the entire drive through.

And who knows? Maybe I'll find my Prince Charming one of these days and we will live happily ever after, whilst driving into the sunset dancing to the music like maniacs.

And to be honest, that would be just fine by me.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Taking My Own Advice & Tinkerbell Syndrome

You know how earlier I have talked about one of my biggest problems is over-analyzing myself? I think another of my greatest problems is taking my own advice.

Let's face it, all of us can "dish it out." However, I believe only a select few can actually grab the gumption to stick it out and taste what we are serving. We can all be the shoulder to cry on, and we all offer advice that we have been trying to come up with for days, but it seems like we can never take that advice. We can listen and say, "It'll all be okay," but we can never listen to what we are saying... we just end up spouting off nonsense that we think will make the crying person's tears dry up.

I've learned that I need to start taking my advice a bit more. These blog entries, I say what I need to do, but I NEVER GO OUT AND DO IT. I say I need to stick my neck out and risk it every once in a while, but I can't. I say that I should be focused on myself and not give a rat's behind about what other people think, but I just can't make myself believe that information. There is something stopping my brain from putting it into practice, and I don't know what that is.

I say that I don't need to be loved from others or I can just be myself and people who love me will love me. But I feel like I am like Tinkerbell in some regard....

I'll die if I'm not told I'm wanted, loved, or needed almost every day.

I feel like a total B**** whenever I write that, and I hate myself for it. But I mean, here I am pouring my heart out for others, telling them I love them each and every day, and I don't get any response back.... I don't know why but it hurts.

Chelsea (one of my Biffles) and I were driving around Austin in her car after Lady Gaga, (Which was AMAZING, by the way), and we were just saying that, "You know what would make my day? If one person just randomly texted me out of the blue, saying, 'I love you,' that would make my day instantaneously." I wholeheartedly agreed.

I mean, I must sound super uppity right now, and I apologize if I am, but it just kind of makes me mad that I can pour my heart and soul into people and not feel loved back. I don't know what it is in me.

Ah well, perhaps I need to start taking my own advice and have a headstrong attitude about things, but we'll see how life wants to go for me.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Moods, Movies, & More

You know those moods where you are just feeling "bleh," even though nothing is going wrong in your life and it seems like everything is getting back on track little by little?

I don't know why I'm in one of those right now.

It's not like I should be. I mean, I feel like I know where I fit in the puzzle of life now, and I actually know where and who I am in this world. I've talked to multiple people about my causes of distress that have been happening over these last months, and I've gotten a ton of my emotions out, but I'm still dumbfounded as to why I'm just in one of these "bleh" moods. These seem to happen a lot whenever I get free time to be lazy, and I end up just lazing around my dorm room doing absolutely nothing and waiting for my bed time to roll around. I don't know, it's just something that happens to me I guess. Perhaps it's a little bit of ADD or something.

Anyways, I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love on Netflix. While I have to admit that the story did indeed drag a bit and I never thought it was going to end at some points, it did have some very interesting points that it brought up. I need to go see if the PCL has a copy of it so I can snag it and start reading, as I've heard the book is just absolutely amazing and the movie doesn't even come close. Well, that's how it is for a lot of "books to movies" I guess.

Well, after watching that movie and talking with somebody today about my love life, all I can say is that I'm just waiting. I mean, I'm not going to be frantically waiting and pacing in my dorm until someone magically appears in my life, but I am going to just try to put love on the "back burner" so to speak. However, as I have figured out, that is MUCH easier said than done.

Sure, I'm going to get in those Moods where all I want to do is cry that I don't have anybody, but I have to power through those. Sure, sometimes when I see other people with boyfriends laughing happily and giggling hysterically it's going to make me feel down.

Sure, maybe my best friend in the whole world has a significant other now, things are changing, we maybe aren't going to be as close, and that level of emotionally closeness between us may end up deteriorating as I actually begin to piece myself together throughout this crazy experience of self fulfillment I'm having, but that's the way life works. I can't try to grasp onto something so tightly that it ends up slipping out of my hands the moment I give a little bit.

I have to give these people some space. I have to let things work out and know that I have other people there for me as well, and not just one person. Sure, I love my best friend to death, and I hope and am pretty sure he knows that, but I can't focus on him 99% of the time. I'm not going to let myself become buried in my own depression, hoping that I don't slip up and lose him forever by one mistake.

He's going to be there for me, but I need to start focusing on myself more.

I need to start being a bit more selfish and less people pleasing. I can't go out of my way ALL the time to just do what others want me to do. I'm not being true to myself and it isn't fair to my emotions. I can't do everything people want me to do. I just can't. I need to start working in my own best interest. That's the only way I can move forward.

AND another thing: I need to stop worrying that my best friend doesn't love me back. He does, that's why HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. He still cares for me, and I know that, and I need to stop worrying that every move I make is causing some rift between us to form. I need to stop being so careful that I'm afraid to take a step. It's just not good for me.

In all, I just need to step back, piece my thoughts together, and figure out where I need to be to step back into the world as a stronger person. Because as we all know, what's the point of showing off a brand new puzzle to everyone when there are still a few pieces missing? That's my new goal, to go couch diving, pillow fluffing, and floor sweeping until I'm able to find those pieces. That way, I can dust them off, complete the puzzle, and begin to look at myself with a new found sense of pride, and determination.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Crazy Weekend

The Hard / Depressing Times Recently

I try to give some of my advice on the "Hard Times" in life, and I talk about some of my issues I'm dealing with now.

Depression Invades My Studies

I totally should be studying for my History/Astronomy/Japanese Exams right now, but I feel like blogging. Ugh, my emotions feel like such a mess right now.

Do you ever have those days when all of the sudden it seems like god places a pair of GIANT weights on your shoulders, and you just about crumble under all of the pressure? Yeah, I'm definitely feeling that today.

On the academic side of the weight, I have 3 tests this week, and 2 tests next week. This ultra studying is boring me to tears and I can never focus. The History one is going to be the killer because of the essay and his strict requirements for it and how the matching section is going to be ridiculously hard. My brain pounds in my head just thinking about it all. My Astronomy Exam is going to be horrible as well. I looked at the review questions and I only know about 10/16 of them, which is no bueno. The others will take some time to scout out in my notes, but I'll go to the review session tomorrow and hopefully learn a little more. However, I want to study History a ton too, but I can't devote all of my time to studying History as I need to spread the "love" and UGH. TOO. MUCH. STRESS. Oh, and I also have a Japanese Oral Exam most likely on Friday. I hope I don't stutter and accidentally throw in "The Great Depression" when I am speaking to my TA for class. One of the main reasons I can't study very well is also because of the...

Personal / Emotional side of the weight. EVERY TIME I go to study and look up notes and just try to focus, my mind wanders to my current drama I am going through and I space out. I end up depressing myself over things that I shouldn't be depressed over. I beat myself up for things that have nothing to do with "Black Holes" or the "Progressive Era." It's all stupid drama that I cannot get over and that I constantly beat myself up over all of the time. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm pretty sure everyone who knows me can figure that out. I wear my heart so far down on my sleeve that whenever it gets hurt it takes me days and weeks and months to get over it.

THE REAL KICKER is that the drama is all getting better. It's fixing itself. Things are getting a good amount better, but my STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT mind can never grasp onto that confidence and happiness for more than a day. I still worry constantly about things. I can never stop. I'm a hopeless romantic. Pining for a relationship day after day, but knowing I myself will never be able to go get one. This is mostly because of....

The SOCIAL part of the weight. Now, I know that I haven't been to a ton of social events lately. I have not gone clubbing once since I've been back, I have never been to coffee, and I usually pass on big social gatherings because I feel I'll be awkward the whole time I am there. My only outlet where I believe people see me is Gaymers. At least I have that...

The fact is, I am waiting for more potential relationships all the time, but I can never put myself out there and face the music. I'm scared of the public eye and what they think. I have even worsened my own personal body image in the past few days. I feel so unattractive.

~~~

Yes, I understand I had a breakthrough a week ago, and everything seemed to be going fine and stuff. But, this is me. I'm not happy 60-100% of the time. I'm mostly depressed or in deep states of thinking. I know I can over think things to the point where my claims about what will happen are ludicrous. However, I cannot shake these feelings ANYWHERE. And it must be getting really bad if I can't shake them as I study.

If I could really have my way in this world, I would, as put by Taylor Swift, "go back to December all the time."

Lots of Stuff!

Watch me ramble on about biffle Tyler, friends, tiredness, and more!!

Update - 3/23/11

Back in Austin

Getting Over It

Well, I can't believe my Spring Break is over. I feel as though it went WAY TOO FAST. Anyways, this post isn't meant to be depressing, I kind of mean for it to be uplifting. I hope it comes out that way.

Whenever you spilled some of your favorite cereal as a child, let's say Count Chocula for example, and you would cry and cry that you can't eat it anymore, what did your parents say? "Grab a towel," "clean this up," or maybe even "get over it," were all used. Well, maybe your parents weren't that straightforward, but I hope you get the picture.

We as humans are meant to dwell on things. We will lose or become so depressed over something that we will sit and dwell for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years perhaps if something hurts us so badly. When we grow so attached to something, and it leaves us for whatever reason or is in danger of leaving us, we are going to dwell on the things that we could've, should've, and would've done to make it better, and we hardly ever act. We just sit in our solemn silence. We let all of those "What if's" invade our brain and cause massive havoc on them.

I am probably one of the more vulnerable people to these issues. I have been known to cry over spilled milk for days, even after it has been cleaned up. I will dwell and dwell for hours thinking about how I'll never see this milk again and how much I miss it. (It's a metaphor people, I like using them, of course I don't cry over spilled milk..... Well, on occasion I do. Especially if it is chocolate milk. But back to the point.) However, as stated in my famous 27 minute long video, one of my biggest obstacles is... "Getting Over It."

Let's face it. When people tell us to "Get Over It," we usually think they are being snide and rude and we usually just ignore them, thinking that we will get over it in our own time. However, some of these things are hard to get over, and take time. We must take time for ourselves to be able to think about our situation and truly, "Get Over It."

However, some people, (me included), are very impatient with this project. I want to get over things RIGHT THIS SECOND. I want to be able to get over things quickly, I can't wallow in my own depression like always. I want to be happy again. So, I try as hard as I can to "Get Over It" as quickly as possible, trying to just climb out of my pit of depression, but something comes along and knocks me down back to where I started.

What I think I have learned about "Getting Over Things" is that they take time. Who KNOWS how long it takes, but the fact is that it does take time. And that doesn't mean that we need to just sit there and think and think and think and wait for things to get better. That isn't going to help. To work our hardest to "Get Over Things" we need to make sure we take steps one at a time, and stay as firm as we can in those steps ((c) Tyler). We must make actions and have mindsets that are focused on getting better, and all of the good in life. It will take time sure, but that doesn't mean we should just let those things dear to us drift as we get farther away from them as we wait for things to get better.

~~~

Yes, as some of you know, I have been going through drama. And it hurts. I know it does. But I can't give up. What kind of person would I be if I did that? I need to stick my neck out for once in my life, and if it doesn't work, oh well, at least I tried. At least I took that step to "Get Over It." Over Spring Break, I have learned that thinking about loss and worrying about it isn't going to help the situation any. We need to talk and try to communicate our problems, it's the only way for progress to be made.

Now, I know some of you will be saying that this isn't fair, or that it's too hard, but if I, DANIEL JENKINS, the person who plays EVERY VIDEO GAME on Easy Mode, can do it, what's stopping you? "Getting Over It" is not going to be easy, but it's certainly not out of reach.

As long as we try every single day to make our lives better, we are going to finally be able to clean up that Count Chocula, wipe those tears away, and grab another fresh bowl, because in the end, we all deserve to be happy, whether it be with chocolate-flavored cereal, or best friends whom you love dearly.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Real Emotion

Spring Break Thinking...

I Need To Stop Doing This To Myself

Well, I just got finished watching 127 Hours. It's definitely an inspirational movie that I recommend for anyone to go and watch, but it made me think about my life in some views that might not be extreme, but are definitely worth noticing...

I think I realized that I need to stop making myself feel unhappy.

Now, after you are finished snickering at how stupid this idea is, think about it. After something hurts you so much, that you go into those dark deep spiraling states of depression every time you think about it, and maybe it involves a person, you can't help yourself but visit their Facebook or Twitter to see how they are doing. They are probably doing better than you could ever have. They are probably happy, whilst you are drowning in your own self-pity for being unhappy.

I need to stop doing this to myself. I don't know why, (and I may be the only one like this, I don't know), but I feel like sometimes I just keep crawling back to the people / things that hurt me just to check up on them. I feel like a creeper, trying to keep an eye on his or her life as they continue to be happy whilst I wallow in depression.

Then, it happens.

I end up seeing pictures or a status something, of them in their new life that makes them happy, when I can never get over my stupid life and how dumb it plays out. I get depressed, and I can't help myself from seeing these people and looking at them all the time... and wondering how they are doing compared to me... and it hurts.

I don't know why I do this, I just do. I feel like sometimes I need to swear off this and stop talking to these people, but when these people are so close to you, what else are you gonna do? Stop talking to them? Sometimes I feel as though that is the only plausible solution, but I can't do that. However, I can talk to them less and less, I suppose, but that will ultimately just make me fall away from them... and the hurt that I feel whenever I see some of these people never washes away, and sometimes I just want to push them out of my life and wish we had never met.......

I don't know, World, sometimes I feel I am much too emotional for my own good. And, it's probably true, however, I'm not going to change me, I'm not going to change myself so the world can see me and I can truly "fit in."

I am going to be as emotional as I want, but I will pull back on many different occasions and just look at life and say, "Well... shucks, Daniel, please don't be emotional right now. People don't need that." I will try my hardest not to make others wallow in my depression as well, as much of these are my own battles that need to be fought.

Ah well. World, I'm trying my hardest every single day. And I'm thankful for everybody in my life who has been so wonderful to me and are always trying to make my day better...... it truly means everything to me.