Moods, Movies, & More

You know those moods where you are just feeling "bleh," even though nothing is going wrong in your life and it seems like everything is getting back on track little by little?

I don't know why I'm in one of those right now.

It's not like I should be. I mean, I feel like I know where I fit in the puzzle of life now, and I actually know where and who I am in this world. I've talked to multiple people about my causes of distress that have been happening over these last months, and I've gotten a ton of my emotions out, but I'm still dumbfounded as to why I'm just in one of these "bleh" moods. These seem to happen a lot whenever I get free time to be lazy, and I end up just lazing around my dorm room doing absolutely nothing and waiting for my bed time to roll around. I don't know, it's just something that happens to me I guess. Perhaps it's a little bit of ADD or something.

Anyways, I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love on Netflix. While I have to admit that the story did indeed drag a bit and I never thought it was going to end at some points, it did have some very interesting points that it brought up. I need to go see if the PCL has a copy of it so I can snag it and start reading, as I've heard the book is just absolutely amazing and the movie doesn't even come close. Well, that's how it is for a lot of "books to movies" I guess.

Well, after watching that movie and talking with somebody today about my love life, all I can say is that I'm just waiting. I mean, I'm not going to be frantically waiting and pacing in my dorm until someone magically appears in my life, but I am going to just try to put love on the "back burner" so to speak. However, as I have figured out, that is MUCH easier said than done.

Sure, I'm going to get in those Moods where all I want to do is cry that I don't have anybody, but I have to power through those. Sure, sometimes when I see other people with boyfriends laughing happily and giggling hysterically it's going to make me feel down.

Sure, maybe my best friend in the whole world has a significant other now, things are changing, we maybe aren't going to be as close, and that level of emotionally closeness between us may end up deteriorating as I actually begin to piece myself together throughout this crazy experience of self fulfillment I'm having, but that's the way life works. I can't try to grasp onto something so tightly that it ends up slipping out of my hands the moment I give a little bit.

I have to give these people some space. I have to let things work out and know that I have other people there for me as well, and not just one person. Sure, I love my best friend to death, and I hope and am pretty sure he knows that, but I can't focus on him 99% of the time. I'm not going to let myself become buried in my own depression, hoping that I don't slip up and lose him forever by one mistake.

He's going to be there for me, but I need to start focusing on myself more.

I need to start being a bit more selfish and less people pleasing. I can't go out of my way ALL the time to just do what others want me to do. I'm not being true to myself and it isn't fair to my emotions. I can't do everything people want me to do. I just can't. I need to start working in my own best interest. That's the only way I can move forward.

AND another thing: I need to stop worrying that my best friend doesn't love me back. He does, that's why HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. He still cares for me, and I know that, and I need to stop worrying that every move I make is causing some rift between us to form. I need to stop being so careful that I'm afraid to take a step. It's just not good for me.

In all, I just need to step back, piece my thoughts together, and figure out where I need to be to step back into the world as a stronger person. Because as we all know, what's the point of showing off a brand new puzzle to everyone when there are still a few pieces missing? That's my new goal, to go couch diving, pillow fluffing, and floor sweeping until I'm able to find those pieces. That way, I can dust them off, complete the puzzle, and begin to look at myself with a new found sense of pride, and determination.

~This is Deej, signing off.