So, I did it again today. I thought about my personal drama.
I really shouldn't have. I mean, I have been worrying so much about having to pay off my new laptop because I spilt Gatorade all over my last one. I also should be worrying about work. Every single day brings new adventures / challenges that I have to face so I don't know why I have begun to worry about myself again.
I guess it's because of the short bouts of "down-time" I have, like now. Those short periods of time before I go in to work, or before I go to bed, where I just sit there like a bump on a log and do nothing but moan and groan about my total lack of allure. I personally don't know why I think I'm unattractive. I just do. It's definitely not a healthy aspect of my personality, but I do it anyway. Maybe it's because of my lack of having any sort of a relationship in my whole life. Maybe it's just my, (pardon my PG-13ness), sexual frustration. I have no idea. I will just sit and think about all of my past drama and dwell on it for hours. It sucks.
So, I try video games. And for the first time in all of my life, those don't help much at all. I end up playing fighting games because they are short and sweet. I feel lazy because I don't want to pop in an RPG and play the hours away, I just don't want to. Weird, right? However, I do manage to slip in like Mortal Kombat or something and play for a couple of minutes just to amuse myself. It's a very short term thing though. It never lasts.
Why are my summers like this? They are so incredibly lazy that I get nothing special done at all. Usually I'd be in California right now living it up in Disneyland, but now I'm just video gaming and waiting tables. It has caused me to mull over my life in preportions greater than I have ever done before. I wish I wouldn't mull so much. I need to stop. I need distractions...
Or maybe I just need someone to fall asleep with... someone that will take me away from all of this... someone that will just grab my hand and take me somewhere that I don't know.... someone to love.
~This is Deej, signing off.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Just A Feeling
I hate to start off with one of those all-encompassing dramatic questions, but here goes: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?
Okay, so after that outburst you are probably hoping for an explanation, and I will give it to you. However, there is one ground rule I must put down.
I will not use any names in my explanation just because I want to protect privacy of the people. Unless it's my feelings, then OF COURSE I'll talk about myself and use my name!
Now that's cleared up, on to the story...
So, this summer has been good to me so far.
I've got a job and finally started to nail my serving abilities, and I was even complimented by two ladies who were dining that I was a good waiter. Also, I've bought and beaten Alice: Madness Returns and have loved every crazy second of it. I wanna do a 2nd Play-through later on in the summer for 100% purposes, but not now.
On the topic of personal drama. You know, the stuff that inhabited every waking minute of every last blog post I had in my 2nd semester of college? Yeah, that stuff. Anyways, it has been clearing up over the past few months. I have been away from it and since I have been stressing and freaking out over my new job for the last few weeks I haven't really had the time to sit down and think about it. It's been nice, I must say.
However, there is one thing that just irks me to no end. This "feeling."
So, there's this person on Facebook. They are one of my friends. However, I'm not going to sit here and say we haven't had our problems. We have, like all friends do.
It's not that talking to this person is a problem, I mean, I can talk with them just fine. It's something beyond that.
You see, whenever I log into Facebook I check my notifications, then my Chat people to see who's online and who will probably try to contact me. It's with this person that something happens.
I see them online and suddenly I get this "feeling." It's not a good or bad feeling necessarily, it's just like an equivalent to a slight jab in the gut, with just enough power to make you flinch a little from the blow. It sounds really confusing, and I apologize but I can't really explain it. It's like there's something inside of me that decides to go a little hay-wire whenever I see this person online. I don't get it. It's like part fear, joy, depression, and anger at the same time. It's like a Bible-scope flood of emotions that doesn't give me the time to build up my Ark of self-confidence to weather it successfully. It just hits me.
I don't know what's causing it. I mean, I've been doing fine this summer... really. I haven't thought about it at all unless it's really late at night and I am in one of my worry sessions. I guess I'm still attached to a core problem and I haven't fully healed yet. My scab hasn't done it's job fully, it's still working.
I don't know, world. Seriously, I don't. I told one of my friends that really I'm just in a "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment, because I'm seriously getting tired of trying to control my life to make certain outcomes possible. I have to learn to roll with the punches and be willing to get back up when I get knocked down, so to speak, and not lay there planning my next attack. My life can get pretty crazy, and when I bring love and relationships into the equation, I just lose track of my well being.
So, I know I totally went off topic there. Whoops. But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that "feeling" I'm getting and it's pissing me off that it won't go away. Oh well, maybe in a couple more weeks I'll lose grip on it and it will slip away. Here's hoping anyway, because I need sleep.
~This is Deej, signing off.
Okay, so after that outburst you are probably hoping for an explanation, and I will give it to you. However, there is one ground rule I must put down.
I will not use any names in my explanation just because I want to protect privacy of the people. Unless it's my feelings, then OF COURSE I'll talk about myself and use my name!
Now that's cleared up, on to the story...
So, this summer has been good to me so far.
I've got a job and finally started to nail my serving abilities, and I was even complimented by two ladies who were dining that I was a good waiter. Also, I've bought and beaten Alice: Madness Returns and have loved every crazy second of it. I wanna do a 2nd Play-through later on in the summer for 100% purposes, but not now.
On the topic of personal drama. You know, the stuff that inhabited every waking minute of every last blog post I had in my 2nd semester of college? Yeah, that stuff. Anyways, it has been clearing up over the past few months. I have been away from it and since I have been stressing and freaking out over my new job for the last few weeks I haven't really had the time to sit down and think about it. It's been nice, I must say.
However, there is one thing that just irks me to no end. This "feeling."
So, there's this person on Facebook. They are one of my friends. However, I'm not going to sit here and say we haven't had our problems. We have, like all friends do.
It's not that talking to this person is a problem, I mean, I can talk with them just fine. It's something beyond that.
You see, whenever I log into Facebook I check my notifications, then my Chat people to see who's online and who will probably try to contact me. It's with this person that something happens.
I see them online and suddenly I get this "feeling." It's not a good or bad feeling necessarily, it's just like an equivalent to a slight jab in the gut, with just enough power to make you flinch a little from the blow. It sounds really confusing, and I apologize but I can't really explain it. It's like there's something inside of me that decides to go a little hay-wire whenever I see this person online. I don't get it. It's like part fear, joy, depression, and anger at the same time. It's like a Bible-scope flood of emotions that doesn't give me the time to build up my Ark of self-confidence to weather it successfully. It just hits me.
I don't know what's causing it. I mean, I've been doing fine this summer... really. I haven't thought about it at all unless it's really late at night and I am in one of my worry sessions. I guess I'm still attached to a core problem and I haven't fully healed yet. My scab hasn't done it's job fully, it's still working.
I don't know, world. Seriously, I don't. I told one of my friends that really I'm just in a "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment, because I'm seriously getting tired of trying to control my life to make certain outcomes possible. I have to learn to roll with the punches and be willing to get back up when I get knocked down, so to speak, and not lay there planning my next attack. My life can get pretty crazy, and when I bring love and relationships into the equation, I just lose track of my well being.
So, I know I totally went off topic there. Whoops. But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that "feeling" I'm getting and it's pissing me off that it won't go away. Oh well, maybe in a couple more weeks I'll lose grip on it and it will slip away. Here's hoping anyway, because I need sleep.
~This is Deej, signing off.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Serving You Happiness On A Silver Platter
Blog! I am so sorry I have been taking forever to write down an entry. A LOT has been going on and I'll be more than happy to let y'all in on all of the details:
So, I am now a Server at Joe's Crab Shack at the Kemah Boardwalk. The Boardwalk is a place where people come from far and wide just to eat, play games, and have a good time. Apparently it's REALLY notorious as a touristy attraction. However, it's also notorious as being a place of terrible jobs as well. People have been known to faint of heat exhaustion only to wake up in HR a few hours later not knowing how they got there. So yeah, scary stuff.
And here I was, coming home from college ready to make my first foray into the working world. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I went from place to place filling out job applications and waiting for call backs. However, I was growing impatient. I had heard of the Kemah experience from many classmates from high school who had worked there before. They had always told me to steer as far away as possible. I had heard horror stories, as stated above about what can go on. I decided that Kemah was my last resort.
So, about a week passed and I hadn't gotten any callbacks. I felt like my chances of getting a job were slim. I decided to head on over to the place that I knew was hiring.... The Kemah Boardwalk.
After going through a brief interview and HR process, I was placed as a Server at Joe's Crab Shack. I had training in 2 Friday's from then and it seemed like everything was going into place. However, I started to worry, (as always). A lot of my friends were getting hired as well and I felt like I wasn't going to get any hours. Walmart and Old Navy started calling me back to see if I was still available and whilst I went to Old Navy for an interview, they basically turned me down by never calling me back. So, off to Joe's I went.
I arrived at the first day of training scared out of my mind. I didn't know what to expect. The class I was with seemed nice though, and I was glad I was making some friends. All of the sudden we were greeted by papers and folders and told we needed the whole menu memorized by the 150 question final next Friday.
I went into ultra study mode. I crammed every single night to get all of the info in my brain. It took me a while to do so, but I made it through every day of training ALMOST unscathed. I had these things called "follows" as well, which are where you "follow" a server around the restaurant and basically be a "trainee" of Joe's. Believe me, my first one was abysmal, but my other two went pretty well and I'm glad.
So, the final came. I went to class, palms sweaty and nervous. I was handed the two finals, both INSANELY LONG, and I finished them as they were playing ABBA songs in the background. It was great, and I snickered a little.
So, my first day was upon me. After a few mix-ups with scheduling I was scheduled to work at 3 that day. After running around looking for aprons and stuff we got situated and I was working.
Goodness y'all serving is hard. It's a lot of running around and checking on people, but there's a certain rhythm to it that I have been starting to get the hang of. I had a mix of good and bad tables, but in the end I made a $20 credit card tip on an $80 check, and I walked home with $44 dollars in cash tips, which was fine by me. My legs were sore and I was tired, but in the end I think it was enlightening. I have work today at 5 as well, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyways, that's what's been up here, I hope you guys are all doing well. And don't forget to drop by Joe's if you can, and I'll make your experience one to remember! (Or I'll try my best, at least.)
~This is Deej, signing off.
So, I am now a Server at Joe's Crab Shack at the Kemah Boardwalk. The Boardwalk is a place where people come from far and wide just to eat, play games, and have a good time. Apparently it's REALLY notorious as a touristy attraction. However, it's also notorious as being a place of terrible jobs as well. People have been known to faint of heat exhaustion only to wake up in HR a few hours later not knowing how they got there. So yeah, scary stuff.
And here I was, coming home from college ready to make my first foray into the working world. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I went from place to place filling out job applications and waiting for call backs. However, I was growing impatient. I had heard of the Kemah experience from many classmates from high school who had worked there before. They had always told me to steer as far away as possible. I had heard horror stories, as stated above about what can go on. I decided that Kemah was my last resort.
So, about a week passed and I hadn't gotten any callbacks. I felt like my chances of getting a job were slim. I decided to head on over to the place that I knew was hiring.... The Kemah Boardwalk.
After going through a brief interview and HR process, I was placed as a Server at Joe's Crab Shack. I had training in 2 Friday's from then and it seemed like everything was going into place. However, I started to worry, (as always). A lot of my friends were getting hired as well and I felt like I wasn't going to get any hours. Walmart and Old Navy started calling me back to see if I was still available and whilst I went to Old Navy for an interview, they basically turned me down by never calling me back. So, off to Joe's I went.
I arrived at the first day of training scared out of my mind. I didn't know what to expect. The class I was with seemed nice though, and I was glad I was making some friends. All of the sudden we were greeted by papers and folders and told we needed the whole menu memorized by the 150 question final next Friday.
I went into ultra study mode. I crammed every single night to get all of the info in my brain. It took me a while to do so, but I made it through every day of training ALMOST unscathed. I had these things called "follows" as well, which are where you "follow" a server around the restaurant and basically be a "trainee" of Joe's. Believe me, my first one was abysmal, but my other two went pretty well and I'm glad.
So, the final came. I went to class, palms sweaty and nervous. I was handed the two finals, both INSANELY LONG, and I finished them as they were playing ABBA songs in the background. It was great, and I snickered a little.
So, my first day was upon me. After a few mix-ups with scheduling I was scheduled to work at 3 that day. After running around looking for aprons and stuff we got situated and I was working.
Goodness y'all serving is hard. It's a lot of running around and checking on people, but there's a certain rhythm to it that I have been starting to get the hang of. I had a mix of good and bad tables, but in the end I made a $20 credit card tip on an $80 check, and I walked home with $44 dollars in cash tips, which was fine by me. My legs were sore and I was tired, but in the end I think it was enlightening. I have work today at 5 as well, so we'll see how that goes.
Anyways, that's what's been up here, I hope you guys are all doing well. And don't forget to drop by Joe's if you can, and I'll make your experience one to remember! (Or I'll try my best, at least.)
~This is Deej, signing off.
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