Just A Feeling

I hate to start off with one of those all-encompassing dramatic questions, but here goes: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?

Okay, so after that outburst you are probably hoping for an explanation, and I will give it to you. However, there is one ground rule I must put down.

I will not use any names in my explanation just because I want to protect privacy of the people. Unless it's my feelings, then OF COURSE I'll talk about myself and use my name!

Now that's cleared up, on to the story...

So, this summer has been good to me so far.

I've got a job and finally started to nail my serving abilities, and I was even complimented by two ladies who were dining that I was a good waiter. Also, I've bought and beaten Alice: Madness Returns and have loved every crazy second of it. I wanna do a 2nd Play-through later on in the summer for 100% purposes, but not now.

On the topic of personal drama. You know, the stuff that inhabited every waking minute of every last blog post I had in my 2nd semester of college? Yeah, that stuff. Anyways, it has been clearing up over the past few months. I have been away from it and since I have been stressing and freaking out over my new job for the last few weeks I haven't really had the time to sit down and think about it. It's been nice, I must say.

However, there is one thing that just irks me to no end. This "feeling."

So, there's this person on Facebook. They are one of my friends. However, I'm not going to sit here and say we haven't had our problems. We have, like all friends do.

It's not that talking to this person is a problem, I mean, I can talk with them just fine. It's something beyond that.

You see, whenever I log into Facebook I check my notifications, then my Chat people to see who's online and who will probably try to contact me. It's with this person that something happens.

I see them online and suddenly I get this "feeling." It's not a good or bad feeling necessarily, it's just like an equivalent to a slight jab in the gut, with just enough power to make you flinch a little from the blow. It sounds really confusing, and I apologize but I can't really explain it. It's like there's something inside of me that decides to go a little hay-wire whenever I see this person online. I don't get it. It's like part fear, joy, depression, and anger at the same time. It's like a Bible-scope flood of emotions that doesn't give me the time to build up my Ark of self-confidence to weather it successfully. It just hits me.

I don't know what's causing it. I mean, I've been doing fine this summer... really. I haven't thought about it at all unless it's really late at night and I am in one of my worry sessions. I guess I'm still attached to a core problem and I haven't fully healed yet. My scab hasn't done it's job fully, it's still working.

I don't know, world. Seriously, I don't. I told one of my friends that really I'm just in a "Jesus Take The Wheel" moment, because I'm seriously getting tired of trying to control my life to make certain outcomes possible. I have to learn to roll with the punches and be willing to get back up when I get knocked down, so to speak, and not lay there planning my next attack. My life can get pretty crazy, and when I bring love and relationships into the equation, I just lose track of my well being.

So, I know I totally went off topic there. Whoops. But anyways, I just wanted to talk about that "feeling" I'm getting and it's pissing me off that it won't go away. Oh well, maybe in a couple more weeks I'll lose grip on it and it will slip away. Here's hoping anyway, because I need sleep.

~This is Deej, signing off.