Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Beautiful

Recently I have been addicted to the song "Pretty Girl Rock" by Keri Hilson. I would recommend it, if you like R&B/Pop.

Anyways, at first listen, this song may seem like it's about some stuck up lady who thinks that everything is about her and that she is pretty and everyone else is just "hatin'." However, if you listen to the song a little more closely, at one point in the lyrics she says, "I know that I'm pretty, and if you know it too, then ladies sing it with me." Now, this can be taken as a sort of mean lyric, but what she means is that we must learn to love ourselves for all that we are, and we can't beat ourselves up over things we came into this world with. I hate to use the now oh so cliched line from Lady Gaga, but "baby you were born this way."

Now, I'm not saying that we should all wake up in the morning every day and feel like a million dollars. Not at all. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like my hair is a mess, I look terrible, and I'm in a hurry and I'll never look good in time. In other words, I feel like a piece of junk. However, do I go out into this world with this feeling that I am junk? No, that's not what we have to do. We have to go out into the world feeling like we could be put on that "Antiques Roadshow" TV show and learn that we are worth one million dollars. We can't look at ourselves as junk.

So, you've got your mindset ready about being this amazing treasure and you are headed out to hang out with some friends to do some fun stuff. Then, you and your friends are strolling along in the mall and looking around at whatever you wish to purchase that fine day, and then, like on cue, you are bombarded by the "Mainstream" idea of beauty. You see half naked men in Abercrombie and thin striking women posing in the Hollister ads, and you start to feel down. You look down at your body and wish it were like that, and then the self-hate starts to rise up. Ultimately, you lose this sense of self-worth as the day goes on and you get right back to where you started from when you woke up.

I haven't been safe from this treatment, and I know that this isn't something you can get over in like a day or two. This sense of self-love has to come over time, or else you'll never be able to walk by those stores without feeling ugly. This is a process.

Now, person reading this: I want you to read and listen, (not physically, unless you are reading out loud), to what I am going to tell you. Now listen good.

You are beautiful. You are special and there is someone in this world that would be worse off without you in this world. You light up someone's life in this world, and if you don't believe me, (which I can understand if you don't), talk to one of your closest friends. They'll tell you. Don't feel ugly. You have every right in this world to feel comfortable in who you are, so don't let those haters bring you down.

I personally think those Abercrombie and Hollister models are stuck up and prude, whilst your personality is a thousand times better than theirs could ever be.

In this world, vanity may be great and all, but if we don't look what's inside of the book, read reviews, and figure out what it's all about, we may truly be "judging books by their covers." So, the next time you see a tattered, warn out book, make sure you pick it up and give it a read. I'm sure it just might be one of the best books you've ever read.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Over-Emotional

Throughout my life, I have grown up to believe I am over-emotional, a.k.a. melodramatic. I cry over spilled milk for hours, I whine if I have a small cut, and even a simple remark someone makes will be turned into an emotional attack on my psyche. It can get bad.

However, as college has been drawing on and on, I have found out that being over-emotional also has its own upsides too.

1. You are able to empathize with others. (I was told this by Ashley Hall, thanks by the way)

As you go through life and hear about people's problems, sometimes I know you just want to just tune them out and focus on your own. Sometimes you just want to pretend like you are listening just because you want to keep that friend, and then you get caught in one of those moments where they ask you advice or what they just said, and you really do need to "chew it over with Twix." Okay, blatant product placement aside, I feel as though with me being over-emotional, I'm able to understand the pain that person has gone through, because maybe I have suffered through that same kind of emotional pain. I maybe have a sort of familiarity with the situation. This empathy would help me to connect with more people greatly, as it's always nice whenever someone has actually "placed him/herself in you shoes" so to speak.

2. Your care is easily shown to others and seems genuine.

If you are a person like me who shows his or her heart on his or her sleeve, then you know what I'm talking about. You like to tell people you love them every day. You want people to recognize that you would do anything for them, and you want them to say it back. You need a sort of emotional balance within this world to survive, so when you say, "Hey, I love you," or something of the sort, it just sounds genuine. Sure, I'm victim of saying, "Love you," to some of my friends, but if I say, "I love you," to you, just know that means you are one of the most important people in my life and I would do anything for you. Just sayin'.

3. You are really good at theatre.

I'm not kidding. You can laugh it up all you want, but people like me know it to be true. I can be VERY melodramatic if the situation calls for it, and that's just what this over-emotional lifestyle has. You are pushed to the breaking point in some of these situations and it makes you feel like you are on a daytime soap opera, however, it's just your life. You are then able to transfer this emotional power you have into your theatre, and as far as I have been told, I can be VERY dramatic.

Am I saying that this over-emotional thing is an always good thing and one should always aim to be over-emotional? No. However, if one is over-emotional by nature, I don't want that person to be discouraged by the media and be told that it is a bad thing. Over-emotional people make the world go 'round. We need these people to start movements, build buildings, and make change. If people were just mundane, the world wouldn't be fun.

What I'm saying is that if you are over-emotional, don't fret, your happily ever after is on its way, and no amount of worrisome stepmothers, evil queens, or witches is going to change that. So go ahead and sing your little songs about your Prince coming and how your dreams are a wish your heart makes... because I know I will.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Letting Go

Video Update - 4/23/11

Living Life

You know, if there is one thing I've learned in college, it's that I must live and love life more.

Now, I know that sounds pretty philosophical, but I'm just feeling all moody right now. Before I came to college, it was just day in and day out waiting. I would wait for a new video game to release, for my tests to be over, and to have graduated already. This non-stop waiting consumed my life, and when I had time to just chill and relax, I never was able to stop and "smell the roses." This constant want of having something to wait for would always come and rear its ugly head. I guess I just had nothing to really love and cherish in high school. It was just day in and day out struggles to survive in a socially harsh environment.

Once I got to college though, things changed.

I went into college waiting for Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep to release. I was very excited, to the point where I would insert it into any conversation I was having, and I would slightly verge on insanity if someone even mentioned it slightly. I have to admit, it was bad. However, after I got it and the "New Game Syndrome" wore off, I have to admit, I was so bored. I had no other games to look forward to at all, and I felt completely lost. I tried hanging out with friends, but then I started focusing on my personal problems more.

You see, video games were always a distraction to me in my life, they took me away from focusing on my own problems. They put me in a world where my worries just melted away. It was nice. However, in the end, the peaks of happiness drew farther and farther apart, and soon I was totally focused on myself.

I would end up beating myself up over looking like a creeper that day, and I spent most of last semester focusing on my own life, trying to sort out my sexuality, my body-image, and my heart. It was hard, but I made some strides that I thought were pretty substantial.

Then... this semester came along.

All of the sudden, I met Tyler Wynne. I got to know him over Winter Break and we got really close. It was insane how much we connected. We seemed to be totally biffles from then on. I felt it was fate.

Throughout this semester, I was pushing myself to grow closer to Tyler, to get to know him more and be the best friend he's ever had, and I think I might've pushed so much that it lead to a mistake on both of our parts.

Then the feces really hit the fan.

I started doubting my relationship with Tyler. I thought it was all for naught. I sat and cried and cried some nights thinking I was going to lose him. It hurt, and some of that pain still hits me sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I still have nights where all I do is just sit and cry. They haven't gone away yet, but I'm trying every day.

As Tyler and I began to stop talking to each other every day, as we began to give each other some room, I began to grow. I became much more outspoken in my opinions, I became more confident in what I think, and I just learned that instead of "impenetrable walls" around my trust zones, I need to put "gates," so that people still have the chance to get to know the real me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I should just quit being best friends with Tyler. Not at all. Tyler has been amazing. However, I can't run to him for every little problem I have. I mean, he is my best friend, but still, I don't want to be a burden.

Anyways, as I was sitting there in my solemn silence thinking about Tyler and me, I did a little soul-searching like always. Suddenly, an epiphany struck me, (as they tend to do). I realized that I haven't stopped and enjoyed the time I had been having with my friends. I had just been wanting more, or waiting for the next day or something. I haven't been enjoying all of the precious seconds I have had with them, and I haven't been enjoying life. I've just been going through the motions, thinking something big, (E.g. Love), is on its way, and I'm waiting for the UPS guy.

However, I learned in life that you just have to let that package get here when it's going to get here. You can't keep tracking the information every single minute, just like you can't keep pushing and searching for love, as you'll just be unsatisfied in the end. Basically, I'm saying that life is meant to be enjoyed, not worried or waited on.

So, to use one of my fun metaphors, instead of waiting for the ride to be over, sit back, relax, and enjoy it, because on this ride known as life, you only get to ride it once. However, don't be afraid to put your arms up sometimes and just enjoy the ride, because you know you want to be smiling and looking good in that picture they take at the final drop.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Naïveté

As a child, I only saw the world in black and white. There was good, and there was bad. There was happy, and sad. There were no grey areas that blurred the lines. I also believed that true love conquered all and that I would have a happy ending someday and ride off into the sunset with the one I love. I strove to make these beliefs and aspirations real. I did everything I could to prevent myself from seeing the world through different eyes. I didn't want to change my viewpoint that had gotten me this far, but as I approached high school, that started to change.

In high school, I would do nothing but go home, sit on my computer, and browse the internet constantly. The internet seemed to be like my home away from home. I could just sit there and browse and browse the impossible limits of the internet until I found something that amused me for more than a couple minutes. It was nice, and I believed that this is what everybody else in high school did too. I thought everybody else was "goody-goody" like me and weren't doing anything like... dare I say it, have SEX, or DRINK ALCOHOL. Those I thought were taboo in high school, but I was dead wrong.

After going on many band trips and gossiping the night away with my fellow roommates, I learned indeed that my life did indeed pale in comparison to these other high school kids. Some of these students were having sex at insane rates, drinking almost every weekend, and going out to party instead of doing their schoolwork. I now understood why so many kids never got their work turned in on time, a fact that always boggled me.

Still, I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to think. I thought that everybody else in this dramatic cesspool of a place known as high school was doing whatever they could to succeed, but I was wrong.

So it was with this that my naïve outlook on life was indeed hit with a heavy blow, and I was faced with the struggle of becoming that realist who doesn't believe in those happy endings or fairy tale-esque loves, or continuing to wish on those stars and believe in those happy endings. It was such a struggle that I didn't really place my beliefs on life anywhere until after high school and just recently in college.

After going through the things I have been through, and experiencing a lot of new things firsthand, I've realized that this naïve nature on life is what I'd rather have. And I mean, not so much that I think that certain races are better than others or anything like that, but I mean about my outlook on love. I don't feel that giving up on looking for the fairy-tale ending is going to help me out. Sure, it might not be the best way to look at things, but at least I'm not giving up. I want to wish and hope that my "Prince Charming" will be there for me when the time is right. That way, I can gleefully get swept off of my feet and put into the carriage, pumpkin and all, and we can drive into the sunset, all the while, me knowing that my childhood was indeed right, and I'm actually going to live happily ever after.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Smile

"Smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by." ~ Charlie Chaplin

In honor of Mr. Chaplin's birthday, I wanna touch on something that most of us do everyday but don't know the actual power that is within it. Yes indeed, it is a smile.

You know, my semester as of late has been nothing short of crazy. I've been through some pretty heart-wrenching drama, I've been the president of an organization which I love, and I've made some friends who I think I'm gonna stick with the rest of my life. So many emotions have gone through my head this semester that at some points I don't even know what to think anymore. It's just a mess. However, there is one thing that never fails to brighten my day:

A Smile.

Now, sure, I know what you're thinking. "Daniel, what's a smile got to do with anything? There are so many types of smiles. Some people smile when they are angry or sad, just to mask their emotions."

Yes, random person's thoughts, I do understand where you are coming from. In fact, I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't done that, because indeed I have. I go to parties or social gatherings and just sit there with a dumb grin on my face like everything is "A-Okay" in my world, when in fact everything is crumbling down. I'll go home from these things and just cry, because I can never be real to anyone, and it hurts. However, this ISN'T the smile I want people to have.

I want people to smile even when they are feeling down, but I don't want them to mask it. I want them to let people know that they are indeed going through a rough time, but to smile, and just let others know that they are trying their very hardest to get through this inner turmoil they seem to be going through.

I'm not saying this is going to be easy, in fact, it'll probably be much more the opposite. I have been smiling a lot recently because of my drama, and believe me it's one of the hardest things I've done, but I can say it works. I feel inherently better about my days if I just put a smile on and let the world know that I am indeed trying to feel good about myself, and I am indeed trying my hardest to push for the happiness I crave. However, if you believe that this won't work, or you have any doubts whilst doing this, it won't work. Yeah, it's kind of one of those all or nothing things, but what do you have to lose by just smiling??

Also, the power of your own smile can really affect another person's day as well. The fact that you are showing that gumption and faith to stick it out there and just believe in yourself, others will look at you and start feeling better about themselves in the end. This help for others will indeed strengthen your own resolve as well.

Of course, I'm not saying that this is going to work all of the time. I'm not saying it will work at all. Maybe your hurt is so bad you need to talk to someone, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Talk your leg off. It helps as well. I just want you to at least try the smile method. Once again, what do you have to lose??

So, your goal for today is to go out into the world and just smile. That's all I will ask of you. Whatever you do today, whether it be hang out with friends, play video games, go clubbing or anything else, just go into it with a warm smile on your face and, to be all Disney with my metaphors, watch the magic happen.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 4/12/11

Happiness

Don't get too excited people, I'm still working out of my depression one step at a time. This is just a little talk of my own on what I think happiness really is.

Happiness. What comes to mind when you think of this? Unicorns? Rainbows? Smiles?

Well, for me it usually comes with visions of chocolate and/or peanut butter, but that's besides the point. When I envision happiness, I see laughter, genuine conversation, and love. Lots and lots of love.

Is it bad for me to see love whenever I envision happiness? Maybe. But I'm not talking about romantic love here. I'm not speaking of the Disney Princess falling in "LOVE" with Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I'm speaking of the closeness and tight bonds one feels with the people one is around, this certain feeling of "love" that brings us to happiness.

My happiness in my life has always been ephemeral. It has always come and spiked whenever I got a new video game, aced a test, or made a new friend, and ultimately it would begin to wane as time went on. However, throughout college, I've been learning that this ephemeral happiness that I've begun to grow accustomed to isn't what I really should be aiming for and hoping on.

I've learned that I need to grow out of this view of just wanting this spike of happiness day in and day out. I can't just want these spikes of random happiness every day because I have been tanking down to even below baseline more often than naught with this want. I need to search and find that constant stream of happiness that will keep me sane and not so depressed.

Where do I find this you ask?

Well, at my first glance you would expect someone like me to say, "MY BIFFLES, DUH!!" However, after talking with one too many people on the subject matters with my life as of late, I've learned that I can't put too much emphasis on my biffles. I sometimes feel like I run to them for ALL of my problems and when they can't help me I just break. I place them so highly that I lose some of my self-worth in the process. I just can't do that anymore. Biffles, don't get me wrong, I care about you guys, but throughout my current actions, I've learned that there is one person I need to look for for that ultimate happiness...

(To quote "All That,") "THAAAAAAAAAT'S ME!"

People can be great to help you out of a rut and make you happy. However, they aren't really grabbing your mind and turning a "happy switch" on. You are the one who is interpreting the care and love you receive from them as happy. You are the one making all of the decisions in life. I've learned that yes, whilst I do need to rely on my friends, I can't put them so far up on the pedestal that I lose my own self-interest and cause my own worth to go plummeting down.

I know what makes me happy in this life, and I know what is helping me overcome it. I know what I need to go from an extremely bad day to an extremely good day. Only I know what I truly need in this world. My friends can guess, and my biffles can know maybe 75% of the time what I need, but only I know 100% of the time how much time I need, how much room I need, and what exactly I need physically, emotionally, or personally to help me out of my ruts.

My individuality has become lit, now all I need to do is feed the fire. I must be proud in who I am and love myself unconditionally. Then others will begin to love and respect me. It sounds extremely cliche and I know, but it does have some truth behind it and I've seen it happen. Now I just have to make sure I keep on trucking in this world, whilst dancing along to the radio the entire drive through.

And who knows? Maybe I'll find my Prince Charming one of these days and we will live happily ever after, whilst driving into the sunset dancing to the music like maniacs.

And to be honest, that would be just fine by me.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Taking My Own Advice & Tinkerbell Syndrome

You know how earlier I have talked about one of my biggest problems is over-analyzing myself? I think another of my greatest problems is taking my own advice.

Let's face it, all of us can "dish it out." However, I believe only a select few can actually grab the gumption to stick it out and taste what we are serving. We can all be the shoulder to cry on, and we all offer advice that we have been trying to come up with for days, but it seems like we can never take that advice. We can listen and say, "It'll all be okay," but we can never listen to what we are saying... we just end up spouting off nonsense that we think will make the crying person's tears dry up.

I've learned that I need to start taking my advice a bit more. These blog entries, I say what I need to do, but I NEVER GO OUT AND DO IT. I say I need to stick my neck out and risk it every once in a while, but I can't. I say that I should be focused on myself and not give a rat's behind about what other people think, but I just can't make myself believe that information. There is something stopping my brain from putting it into practice, and I don't know what that is.

I say that I don't need to be loved from others or I can just be myself and people who love me will love me. But I feel like I am like Tinkerbell in some regard....

I'll die if I'm not told I'm wanted, loved, or needed almost every day.

I feel like a total B**** whenever I write that, and I hate myself for it. But I mean, here I am pouring my heart out for others, telling them I love them each and every day, and I don't get any response back.... I don't know why but it hurts.

Chelsea (one of my Biffles) and I were driving around Austin in her car after Lady Gaga, (Which was AMAZING, by the way), and we were just saying that, "You know what would make my day? If one person just randomly texted me out of the blue, saying, 'I love you,' that would make my day instantaneously." I wholeheartedly agreed.

I mean, I must sound super uppity right now, and I apologize if I am, but it just kind of makes me mad that I can pour my heart and soul into people and not feel loved back. I don't know what it is in me.

Ah well, perhaps I need to start taking my own advice and have a headstrong attitude about things, but we'll see how life wants to go for me.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Moods, Movies, & More

You know those moods where you are just feeling "bleh," even though nothing is going wrong in your life and it seems like everything is getting back on track little by little?

I don't know why I'm in one of those right now.

It's not like I should be. I mean, I feel like I know where I fit in the puzzle of life now, and I actually know where and who I am in this world. I've talked to multiple people about my causes of distress that have been happening over these last months, and I've gotten a ton of my emotions out, but I'm still dumbfounded as to why I'm just in one of these "bleh" moods. These seem to happen a lot whenever I get free time to be lazy, and I end up just lazing around my dorm room doing absolutely nothing and waiting for my bed time to roll around. I don't know, it's just something that happens to me I guess. Perhaps it's a little bit of ADD or something.

Anyways, I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love on Netflix. While I have to admit that the story did indeed drag a bit and I never thought it was going to end at some points, it did have some very interesting points that it brought up. I need to go see if the PCL has a copy of it so I can snag it and start reading, as I've heard the book is just absolutely amazing and the movie doesn't even come close. Well, that's how it is for a lot of "books to movies" I guess.

Well, after watching that movie and talking with somebody today about my love life, all I can say is that I'm just waiting. I mean, I'm not going to be frantically waiting and pacing in my dorm until someone magically appears in my life, but I am going to just try to put love on the "back burner" so to speak. However, as I have figured out, that is MUCH easier said than done.

Sure, I'm going to get in those Moods where all I want to do is cry that I don't have anybody, but I have to power through those. Sure, sometimes when I see other people with boyfriends laughing happily and giggling hysterically it's going to make me feel down.

Sure, maybe my best friend in the whole world has a significant other now, things are changing, we maybe aren't going to be as close, and that level of emotionally closeness between us may end up deteriorating as I actually begin to piece myself together throughout this crazy experience of self fulfillment I'm having, but that's the way life works. I can't try to grasp onto something so tightly that it ends up slipping out of my hands the moment I give a little bit.

I have to give these people some space. I have to let things work out and know that I have other people there for me as well, and not just one person. Sure, I love my best friend to death, and I hope and am pretty sure he knows that, but I can't focus on him 99% of the time. I'm not going to let myself become buried in my own depression, hoping that I don't slip up and lose him forever by one mistake.

He's going to be there for me, but I need to start focusing on myself more.

I need to start being a bit more selfish and less people pleasing. I can't go out of my way ALL the time to just do what others want me to do. I'm not being true to myself and it isn't fair to my emotions. I can't do everything people want me to do. I just can't. I need to start working in my own best interest. That's the only way I can move forward.

AND another thing: I need to stop worrying that my best friend doesn't love me back. He does, that's why HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. He still cares for me, and I know that, and I need to stop worrying that every move I make is causing some rift between us to form. I need to stop being so careful that I'm afraid to take a step. It's just not good for me.

In all, I just need to step back, piece my thoughts together, and figure out where I need to be to step back into the world as a stronger person. Because as we all know, what's the point of showing off a brand new puzzle to everyone when there are still a few pieces missing? That's my new goal, to go couch diving, pillow fluffing, and floor sweeping until I'm able to find those pieces. That way, I can dust them off, complete the puzzle, and begin to look at myself with a new found sense of pride, and determination.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Crazy Weekend