Do you ever have those days when all of the sudden it seems like god places a pair of GIANT weights on your shoulders, and you just about crumble under all of the pressure? Yeah, I'm definitely feeling that today.
On the academic side of the weight, I have 3 tests this week, and 2 tests next week. This ultra studying is boring me to tears and I can never focus. The History one is going to be the killer because of the essay and his strict requirements for it and how the matching section is going to be ridiculously hard. My brain pounds in my head just thinking about it all. My Astronomy Exam is going to be horrible as well. I looked at the review questions and I only know about 10/16 of them, which is no bueno. The others will take some time to scout out in my notes, but I'll go to the review session tomorrow and hopefully learn a little more. However, I want to study History a ton too, but I can't devote all of my time to studying History as I need to spread the "love" and UGH. TOO. MUCH. STRESS. Oh, and I also have a Japanese Oral Exam most likely on Friday. I hope I don't stutter and accidentally throw in "The Great Depression" when I am speaking to my TA for class. One of the main reasons I can't study very well is also because of the...
Personal / Emotional side of the weight. EVERY TIME I go to study and look up notes and just try to focus, my mind wanders to my current drama I am going through and I space out. I end up depressing myself over things that I shouldn't be depressed over. I beat myself up for things that have nothing to do with "Black Holes" or the "Progressive Era." It's all stupid drama that I cannot get over and that I constantly beat myself up over all of the time. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm pretty sure everyone who knows me can figure that out. I wear my heart so far down on my sleeve that whenever it gets hurt it takes me days and weeks and months to get over it.
THE REAL KICKER is that the drama is all getting better. It's fixing itself. Things are getting a good amount better, but my STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT mind can never grasp onto that confidence and happiness for more than a day. I still worry constantly about things. I can never stop. I'm a hopeless romantic. Pining for a relationship day after day, but knowing I myself will never be able to go get one. This is mostly because of....
The SOCIAL part of the weight. Now, I know that I haven't been to a ton of social events lately. I have not gone clubbing once since I've been back, I have never been to coffee, and I usually pass on big social gatherings because I feel I'll be awkward the whole time I am there. My only outlet where I believe people see me is Gaymers. At least I have that...
The fact is, I am waiting for more potential relationships all the time, but I can never put myself out there and face the music. I'm scared of the public eye and what they think. I have even worsened my own personal body image in the past few days. I feel so unattractive.
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Yes, I understand I had a breakthrough a week ago, and everything seemed to be going fine and stuff. But, this is me. I'm not happy 60-100% of the time. I'm mostly depressed or in deep states of thinking. I know I can over think things to the point where my claims about what will happen are ludicrous. However, I cannot shake these feelings ANYWHERE. And it must be getting really bad if I can't shake them as I study.
If I could really have my way in this world, I would, as put by Taylor Swift, "go back to December all the time."
If I could really have my way in this world, I would, as put by Taylor Swift, "go back to December all the time."
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