I Need Distractions

So, I did it again today. I thought about my personal drama.

I really shouldn't have. I mean, I have been worrying so much about having to pay off my new laptop because I spilt Gatorade all over my last one. I also should be worrying about work. Every single day brings new adventures / challenges that I have to face so I don't know why I have begun to worry about myself again.

I guess it's because of the short bouts of "down-time" I have, like now. Those short periods of time before I go in to work, or before I go to bed, where I just sit there like a bump on a log and do nothing but moan and groan about my total lack of allure. I personally don't know why I think I'm unattractive. I just do. It's definitely not a healthy aspect of my personality, but I do it anyway. Maybe it's because of my lack of having any sort of a relationship in my whole life. Maybe it's just my, (pardon my PG-13ness), sexual frustration. I have no idea. I will just sit and think about all of my past drama and dwell on it for hours. It sucks.

So, I try video games. And for the first time in all of my life, those don't help much at all. I end up playing fighting games because they are short and sweet. I feel lazy because I don't want to pop in an RPG and play the hours away, I just don't want to. Weird, right? However, I do manage to slip in like Mortal Kombat or something and play for a couple of minutes just to amuse myself. It's a very short term thing though. It never lasts.

Why are my summers like this? They are so incredibly lazy that I get nothing special done at all. Usually I'd be in California right now living it up in Disneyland, but now I'm just video gaming and waiting tables. It has caused me to mull over my life in preportions greater than I have ever done before. I wish I wouldn't mull so much. I need to stop. I need distractions...

Or maybe I just need someone to fall asleep with... someone that will take me away from all of this... someone that will just grab my hand and take me somewhere that I don't know.... someone to love.

~This is Deej, signing off.