When I was younger, I went to bed every night at 9:00 PM on the dot and woke up at 7:00 AM to get ready for my Elementary School life to begin that day. The only thing that would inhibit me from passing away into these wondrous restful young years of sleep was if I had been watching a horror flick before bedtime. Some days, like after I watched The Ring for example, I went upstairs and basically read Pokemon books in my room until 5 AM, because I would always be concerned that some creepy black haired girl was going to crawl out of my TV at any second and turn my face into a twisted nightmare.
However, as my Intermediate and High School years approached, I was acquainted with my other inhibitor of sleep that would follow me throughout college: Thinking.
Now, this may not seem like such a bad thing. I mean, thinking before sleep is good, right? You can go over everything that you have gotten done before bed and you can feel comfortable about where everything is at in your life, right?
Wrong.
You see, my thinking doesn't involve mental checklists and sheep casually jumping over a fence so that I may drift off into a lush wonderland, it involves a lot of worry and mind-racing.
I worry constantly. It's something I do. Any one of my good friends can tell you that. In fact, I might've had a blog entry about this earlier. Anyways, I'm not good at just "not worrying." I can't be "worry/stress free." That term doesn't exist to me. I believe that it's a comfort word that I use whenever I have things I need to be worrying about but I choose to just cloud them over with sensory pleasures and other things that inhabit my mind.
So, as I am laying in bed, naturally I start to worry. I worry about friends, relationships, homework, job opportunities, love, physical body image, classes, reports, etc. If you can think about it, it's been in my late night worry sessions, trust me. Once I start thinking about one, it's over. My mind will race and tear through countless other branches of thoughts that come out of this one idea, and it will end up wrecking my psyche to the point where I just break down.
These sessions have brought me to tears on multiple occasions. I just end up slamming myself with insults in the end about how I am ugly, nerdy, worthless, and how I don't deserve anybody in this world. The record for how long one of these cry/think sessions have gone on you ask??
3 and a half hours.
(Side Note: This may seem like a "pity party post" by me and I apologize if it is coming across that way, but I just wanted to share some of my life and what I am going through sometimes with the public. I mean, it is a blog, right? I'm allowed to talk about my feelings and ramble on about things that you might not even care about, right?)
Anyways, what I've learned about my "Sleepthinkin'" sessions is this: They get me nowhere. I will end up worrying for hours upon end just to end up at a blank slate of tears galore. I don't end up helping myself at all. But helping myself is what I need to be doing. I need to be telling myself that I am indeed worth it and I will find someone eventually, but I also need to make sure I stay strong. I can't be the weak person afraid of hurting even the smallest feeling so that I can be happy. I mean, I don't want to hurt feelings at all, but sometimes I know that I have to be at least get my own feelings across. I just need to be strong.
You know, I used to like Britney Spears's song "Stronger" only for the catchy chorus and amazing beat. In my younger years, I danced around the house and appropriately flexed during the songs pivotal chorus. It was fun. However, now I'm actually listening to the lyrics and understanding that maybe that song has more to do with my life than just a catchy tune.
So, as I go to sleep the next few nights, I just have to keep believing "my loneliness ain't killing me no more," and that way I'll be "stronger than yesterday," or last night, rather.
~This is Deej, signing off.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Be Careful What You Wish For
I just got done watching one of my favorite movies, "Coraline."
It's a story about a girl who moves to her new house and wishes for a better life due to her "not interested in Coraline" parents and her cooky neighbors. She then discovers a magical door that leads her to her "other" home. Complete with "other" parents, neighbors, and the like. This is the world she's always wanted, but it turns out to be more than what she bargained for.
If you watch the movie soon or have seen the movie you (will) know what I am I talking about. However, I'm mainly using this movie tie-in to help boost my topic for today in a way. So, here we go.
In life, do you ever feel as though if you had one wish you could make it all better? One wish that would correct all the wrongs in your life and just make it worth living again? I have to say I have been in that situation before, so don't be ashamed if you have been on this same train of thought. Sometimes I have wanted to just wish it all away, or just wish I could get away from these people for once so I can breathe and feel better.
However, would that one wish just make some Robin Williams-ified genie say "Abracadabra" and make it all better? If you are answering yes and nodding your head along with the words I am typing then I suggest you listen closely to this next line. Are you ready for some writer-title-tie-in-magic? Well, here it goes: Be Careful What You Wish For.
Now, I understand that some problems seem impossible to solve. Believe me, I know. Some of those problems make us want to crawl into our beds, cover ourselves, and wish it all away. We wish that these things could go away by any means necessary, and of course we don't mean by ANY MEANS, however, we are so caught up in our emotions we don't think before we say anything. Things just slip out.
For example, let's say you had some serious drama with your significant other. You are furious and coming into your room storming, raging, and posting nasty things about them on Facebook. You are extremely livid. You crawl into bed after some weak attempts by friends to make you feel better and you just wish right before you fall asleep that you wouldn't have to deal with that person anymore, even though you still love them. The next morning you wake up to a voicemail saying that the person doesn't want to do this with you anymore, and he or she is breaking up with you.
You got your wish. Was it worth it?
What I'm getting at is throughout life we make many idle wishes. We wish for new video games, straight A's, love to strike us blindly whilst we are walking home from school, and many others. However, we see that these wishes barely come to fruition sometimes and we just lose all of our faith in wishes since we don't get the things we want. Then, when we do get our wishes, they always are things that seem good at first, but have drastic side effects in the end. Then, we are even deeper in our own troubles than we once were.
We need to really be extremely careful what we are wishing for, and I'm totally serious about this. Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, and we end up just tempting it with all of our "wishes."
So, I hate to be morbid, but the next time you feel as though you could wish all of your problems away, please think twice, because I know I'd rather not have buttons sewn on my eyes.
I do apologize for the rather creepy and macabre blog entry. Have great weeks y'all!
~This is Deej, signing off.
It's a story about a girl who moves to her new house and wishes for a better life due to her "not interested in Coraline" parents and her cooky neighbors. She then discovers a magical door that leads her to her "other" home. Complete with "other" parents, neighbors, and the like. This is the world she's always wanted, but it turns out to be more than what she bargained for.
If you watch the movie soon or have seen the movie you (will) know what I am I talking about. However, I'm mainly using this movie tie-in to help boost my topic for today in a way. So, here we go.
In life, do you ever feel as though if you had one wish you could make it all better? One wish that would correct all the wrongs in your life and just make it worth living again? I have to say I have been in that situation before, so don't be ashamed if you have been on this same train of thought. Sometimes I have wanted to just wish it all away, or just wish I could get away from these people for once so I can breathe and feel better.
However, would that one wish just make some Robin Williams-ified genie say "Abracadabra" and make it all better? If you are answering yes and nodding your head along with the words I am typing then I suggest you listen closely to this next line. Are you ready for some writer-title-tie-in-magic? Well, here it goes: Be Careful What You Wish For.
Now, I understand that some problems seem impossible to solve. Believe me, I know. Some of those problems make us want to crawl into our beds, cover ourselves, and wish it all away. We wish that these things could go away by any means necessary, and of course we don't mean by ANY MEANS, however, we are so caught up in our emotions we don't think before we say anything. Things just slip out.
For example, let's say you had some serious drama with your significant other. You are furious and coming into your room storming, raging, and posting nasty things about them on Facebook. You are extremely livid. You crawl into bed after some weak attempts by friends to make you feel better and you just wish right before you fall asleep that you wouldn't have to deal with that person anymore, even though you still love them. The next morning you wake up to a voicemail saying that the person doesn't want to do this with you anymore, and he or she is breaking up with you.
You got your wish. Was it worth it?
What I'm getting at is throughout life we make many idle wishes. We wish for new video games, straight A's, love to strike us blindly whilst we are walking home from school, and many others. However, we see that these wishes barely come to fruition sometimes and we just lose all of our faith in wishes since we don't get the things we want. Then, when we do get our wishes, they always are things that seem good at first, but have drastic side effects in the end. Then, we are even deeper in our own troubles than we once were.
We need to really be extremely careful what we are wishing for, and I'm totally serious about this. Life has a sick sense of humor sometimes, and we end up just tempting it with all of our "wishes."
So, I hate to be morbid, but the next time you feel as though you could wish all of your problems away, please think twice, because I know I'd rather not have buttons sewn on my eyes.
I do apologize for the rather creepy and macabre blog entry. Have great weeks y'all!
~This is Deej, signing off.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Dancing Queen
So, you know those songs that you listen to because they make you happy? Those songs that make you feel no ill will towards the world and you just want to get up and just dance the night away? Yeah, I have a couple of those.
1. Bring it all Back - S Club 7
I don't know what it is about this song. I have loved it ever since like 2nd grade. I used to sing it every time I cleaned my room as it was upbeat and I could do fake dance moves whilst vacuuming the floor. I'd always end up tripping over the power cord a couple times, but it was just a fun song. The lyrics of the song are all about self empowerment and loving yourself. Yeah, and I know Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Christina have been doing this, but this was the first song that struck that self-empowerment chord with me. I still call it my favorite song to this day.
2. Dancing Queen or Mamma Mia - ABBA
Both of these songs hold equal value for me. So yeah, I know I never lived in the 70's ever, but I don't know what it is about these songs, but the infectious melodies and lyrics NEVER leave my head. Dancing Queen makes me want to do oh-so-trite 70's dance moves, but that's what makes it fun! I will dance the night away to Mamma Mia as well, as these both contain beats that are just insanely mesmerizing.
3. The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga
Okay, so this is the song Lady Gaga has most recently put out as a promotional single for Born This Way. It's catchy, upbeat, and VERY 80's. If you listen to it, it can get VERY infectious. It's a song that WILL make you get up and dance to it. It like demands that sort of treatment. I don't know, I'm a sucker for dance beats, what can I say??
--------------------------------
Anyways, I know this blog post was really weird and not like my normal ones where I talk about life and be all philosophical and stuff, but I just wanted to give y'all a taste I suppose about my musical preferences. I'm just a dance music nerd, what can I say? Also because I have a final tomorrow that I am massively procrastinating for. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.
~This is Deej, signing off.
1. Bring it all Back - S Club 7
I don't know what it is about this song. I have loved it ever since like 2nd grade. I used to sing it every time I cleaned my room as it was upbeat and I could do fake dance moves whilst vacuuming the floor. I'd always end up tripping over the power cord a couple times, but it was just a fun song. The lyrics of the song are all about self empowerment and loving yourself. Yeah, and I know Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and Christina have been doing this, but this was the first song that struck that self-empowerment chord with me. I still call it my favorite song to this day.
2. Dancing Queen or Mamma Mia - ABBA
Both of these songs hold equal value for me. So yeah, I know I never lived in the 70's ever, but I don't know what it is about these songs, but the infectious melodies and lyrics NEVER leave my head. Dancing Queen makes me want to do oh-so-trite 70's dance moves, but that's what makes it fun! I will dance the night away to Mamma Mia as well, as these both contain beats that are just insanely mesmerizing.
3. The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga
Okay, so this is the song Lady Gaga has most recently put out as a promotional single for Born This Way. It's catchy, upbeat, and VERY 80's. If you listen to it, it can get VERY infectious. It's a song that WILL make you get up and dance to it. It like demands that sort of treatment. I don't know, I'm a sucker for dance beats, what can I say??
--------------------------------
Anyways, I know this blog post was really weird and not like my normal ones where I talk about life and be all philosophical and stuff, but I just wanted to give y'all a taste I suppose about my musical preferences. I'm just a dance music nerd, what can I say? Also because I have a final tomorrow that I am massively procrastinating for. Oh well, we'll see how it goes.
~This is Deej, signing off.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Your Head and Your Heart
You know those times whenever everyone is giving you the same piece of advice, and your head is telling you ever single time to follow it, because it is being suggested by an overwhelming majority? Also, your heart is the only thing that stands between you and following the advice that is taken, because your heart doesn't want to let go?
I am definitely in one of those situations now.
Today wasn't one of my best days. I came back from a Japanese study session and felt so incredibly terrible about myself. I crawled into bed and took an hour long nap just so I could forget about the world for a brief second. I awoke around 7, the dining hall was already closed so I had no where to grab a bite, and I proceeded, like always, to post on Facebook how depressed I was. One of my really great friends then chatted me and told me to come over, and I did and she helped me feel a little better. We talked about the situation and I got the same piece of advice from her that I'd gotten from my roommate the day before.
I honestly don't know what to think right now.
As an aside, I'm totally friend zoning it up with this guy I like, I can already tell. Ah well, that's just me I suppose, I suck at telling people how I actually feel or just asking people out, but I am SO GOSH DARN PERFECT at making friends. I hate to sound so incredibly desperate, but can I please just like get lucky... just once?
Anyways, back to my situation. My head is telling me to follow the advice given to me by my friends, but I don't know what to think. I don't want to because my heart is telling me something completely different. And it hurts to think of it any other way. My friends were being perfectly logical in their reasoning, but my emotional self can't listen to reason half of the time and wants to follow my heart.
I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and have a "Jesus Take the Wheel" moment, as I certainly can't do this on my own.
I am definitely in one of those situations now.
Today wasn't one of my best days. I came back from a Japanese study session and felt so incredibly terrible about myself. I crawled into bed and took an hour long nap just so I could forget about the world for a brief second. I awoke around 7, the dining hall was already closed so I had no where to grab a bite, and I proceeded, like always, to post on Facebook how depressed I was. One of my really great friends then chatted me and told me to come over, and I did and she helped me feel a little better. We talked about the situation and I got the same piece of advice from her that I'd gotten from my roommate the day before.
I honestly don't know what to think right now.
As an aside, I'm totally friend zoning it up with this guy I like, I can already tell. Ah well, that's just me I suppose, I suck at telling people how I actually feel or just asking people out, but I am SO GOSH DARN PERFECT at making friends. I hate to sound so incredibly desperate, but can I please just like get lucky... just once?
Anyways, back to my situation. My head is telling me to follow the advice given to me by my friends, but I don't know what to think. I don't want to because my heart is telling me something completely different. And it hurts to think of it any other way. My friends were being perfectly logical in their reasoning, but my emotional self can't listen to reason half of the time and wants to follow my heart.
I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and have a "Jesus Take the Wheel" moment, as I certainly can't do this on my own.
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