The Hard / Depressing Times Recently

I try to give some of my advice on the "Hard Times" in life, and I talk about some of my issues I'm dealing with now.

Depression Invades My Studies

I totally should be studying for my History/Astronomy/Japanese Exams right now, but I feel like blogging. Ugh, my emotions feel like such a mess right now.

Do you ever have those days when all of the sudden it seems like god places a pair of GIANT weights on your shoulders, and you just about crumble under all of the pressure? Yeah, I'm definitely feeling that today.

On the academic side of the weight, I have 3 tests this week, and 2 tests next week. This ultra studying is boring me to tears and I can never focus. The History one is going to be the killer because of the essay and his strict requirements for it and how the matching section is going to be ridiculously hard. My brain pounds in my head just thinking about it all. My Astronomy Exam is going to be horrible as well. I looked at the review questions and I only know about 10/16 of them, which is no bueno. The others will take some time to scout out in my notes, but I'll go to the review session tomorrow and hopefully learn a little more. However, I want to study History a ton too, but I can't devote all of my time to studying History as I need to spread the "love" and UGH. TOO. MUCH. STRESS. Oh, and I also have a Japanese Oral Exam most likely on Friday. I hope I don't stutter and accidentally throw in "The Great Depression" when I am speaking to my TA for class. One of the main reasons I can't study very well is also because of the...

Personal / Emotional side of the weight. EVERY TIME I go to study and look up notes and just try to focus, my mind wanders to my current drama I am going through and I space out. I end up depressing myself over things that I shouldn't be depressed over. I beat myself up for things that have nothing to do with "Black Holes" or the "Progressive Era." It's all stupid drama that I cannot get over and that I constantly beat myself up over all of the time. I'm an emotional wreck. I'm pretty sure everyone who knows me can figure that out. I wear my heart so far down on my sleeve that whenever it gets hurt it takes me days and weeks and months to get over it.

THE REAL KICKER is that the drama is all getting better. It's fixing itself. Things are getting a good amount better, but my STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT mind can never grasp onto that confidence and happiness for more than a day. I still worry constantly about things. I can never stop. I'm a hopeless romantic. Pining for a relationship day after day, but knowing I myself will never be able to go get one. This is mostly because of....

The SOCIAL part of the weight. Now, I know that I haven't been to a ton of social events lately. I have not gone clubbing once since I've been back, I have never been to coffee, and I usually pass on big social gatherings because I feel I'll be awkward the whole time I am there. My only outlet where I believe people see me is Gaymers. At least I have that...

The fact is, I am waiting for more potential relationships all the time, but I can never put myself out there and face the music. I'm scared of the public eye and what they think. I have even worsened my own personal body image in the past few days. I feel so unattractive.

~~~

Yes, I understand I had a breakthrough a week ago, and everything seemed to be going fine and stuff. But, this is me. I'm not happy 60-100% of the time. I'm mostly depressed or in deep states of thinking. I know I can over think things to the point where my claims about what will happen are ludicrous. However, I cannot shake these feelings ANYWHERE. And it must be getting really bad if I can't shake them as I study.

If I could really have my way in this world, I would, as put by Taylor Swift, "go back to December all the time."

Lots of Stuff!

Watch me ramble on about biffle Tyler, friends, tiredness, and more!!

Update - 3/23/11

Back in Austin

Getting Over It

Well, I can't believe my Spring Break is over. I feel as though it went WAY TOO FAST. Anyways, this post isn't meant to be depressing, I kind of mean for it to be uplifting. I hope it comes out that way.

Whenever you spilled some of your favorite cereal as a child, let's say Count Chocula for example, and you would cry and cry that you can't eat it anymore, what did your parents say? "Grab a towel," "clean this up," or maybe even "get over it," were all used. Well, maybe your parents weren't that straightforward, but I hope you get the picture.

We as humans are meant to dwell on things. We will lose or become so depressed over something that we will sit and dwell for hours, days, weeks, months, or even years perhaps if something hurts us so badly. When we grow so attached to something, and it leaves us for whatever reason or is in danger of leaving us, we are going to dwell on the things that we could've, should've, and would've done to make it better, and we hardly ever act. We just sit in our solemn silence. We let all of those "What if's" invade our brain and cause massive havoc on them.

I am probably one of the more vulnerable people to these issues. I have been known to cry over spilled milk for days, even after it has been cleaned up. I will dwell and dwell for hours thinking about how I'll never see this milk again and how much I miss it. (It's a metaphor people, I like using them, of course I don't cry over spilled milk..... Well, on occasion I do. Especially if it is chocolate milk. But back to the point.) However, as stated in my famous 27 minute long video, one of my biggest obstacles is... "Getting Over It."

Let's face it. When people tell us to "Get Over It," we usually think they are being snide and rude and we usually just ignore them, thinking that we will get over it in our own time. However, some of these things are hard to get over, and take time. We must take time for ourselves to be able to think about our situation and truly, "Get Over It."

However, some people, (me included), are very impatient with this project. I want to get over things RIGHT THIS SECOND. I want to be able to get over things quickly, I can't wallow in my own depression like always. I want to be happy again. So, I try as hard as I can to "Get Over It" as quickly as possible, trying to just climb out of my pit of depression, but something comes along and knocks me down back to where I started.

What I think I have learned about "Getting Over Things" is that they take time. Who KNOWS how long it takes, but the fact is that it does take time. And that doesn't mean that we need to just sit there and think and think and think and wait for things to get better. That isn't going to help. To work our hardest to "Get Over Things" we need to make sure we take steps one at a time, and stay as firm as we can in those steps ((c) Tyler). We must make actions and have mindsets that are focused on getting better, and all of the good in life. It will take time sure, but that doesn't mean we should just let those things dear to us drift as we get farther away from them as we wait for things to get better.

~~~

Yes, as some of you know, I have been going through drama. And it hurts. I know it does. But I can't give up. What kind of person would I be if I did that? I need to stick my neck out for once in my life, and if it doesn't work, oh well, at least I tried. At least I took that step to "Get Over It." Over Spring Break, I have learned that thinking about loss and worrying about it isn't going to help the situation any. We need to talk and try to communicate our problems, it's the only way for progress to be made.

Now, I know some of you will be saying that this isn't fair, or that it's too hard, but if I, DANIEL JENKINS, the person who plays EVERY VIDEO GAME on Easy Mode, can do it, what's stopping you? "Getting Over It" is not going to be easy, but it's certainly not out of reach.

As long as we try every single day to make our lives better, we are going to finally be able to clean up that Count Chocula, wipe those tears away, and grab another fresh bowl, because in the end, we all deserve to be happy, whether it be with chocolate-flavored cereal, or best friends whom you love dearly.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Real Emotion

Spring Break Thinking...

I Need To Stop Doing This To Myself

Well, I just got finished watching 127 Hours. It's definitely an inspirational movie that I recommend for anyone to go and watch, but it made me think about my life in some views that might not be extreme, but are definitely worth noticing...

I think I realized that I need to stop making myself feel unhappy.

Now, after you are finished snickering at how stupid this idea is, think about it. After something hurts you so much, that you go into those dark deep spiraling states of depression every time you think about it, and maybe it involves a person, you can't help yourself but visit their Facebook or Twitter to see how they are doing. They are probably doing better than you could ever have. They are probably happy, whilst you are drowning in your own self-pity for being unhappy.

I need to stop doing this to myself. I don't know why, (and I may be the only one like this, I don't know), but I feel like sometimes I just keep crawling back to the people / things that hurt me just to check up on them. I feel like a creeper, trying to keep an eye on his or her life as they continue to be happy whilst I wallow in depression.

Then, it happens.

I end up seeing pictures or a status something, of them in their new life that makes them happy, when I can never get over my stupid life and how dumb it plays out. I get depressed, and I can't help myself from seeing these people and looking at them all the time... and wondering how they are doing compared to me... and it hurts.

I don't know why I do this, I just do. I feel like sometimes I need to swear off this and stop talking to these people, but when these people are so close to you, what else are you gonna do? Stop talking to them? Sometimes I feel as though that is the only plausible solution, but I can't do that. However, I can talk to them less and less, I suppose, but that will ultimately just make me fall away from them... and the hurt that I feel whenever I see some of these people never washes away, and sometimes I just want to push them out of my life and wish we had never met.......

I don't know, World, sometimes I feel I am much too emotional for my own good. And, it's probably true, however, I'm not going to change me, I'm not going to change myself so the world can see me and I can truly "fit in."

I am going to be as emotional as I want, but I will pull back on many different occasions and just look at life and say, "Well... shucks, Daniel, please don't be emotional right now. People don't need that." I will try my hardest not to make others wallow in my depression as well, as much of these are my own battles that need to be fought.

Ah well. World, I'm trying my hardest every single day. And I'm thankful for everybody in my life who has been so wonderful to me and are always trying to make my day better...... it truly means everything to me.

Tomorrow

"The sun'll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun."

The song that everybody can sing no matter what the situation. The song that everyone sings to people who have bad days whilst they tell these people that everything is going to be alright.

This is my mantra.

When I was younger, I never knew what this song meant, I just thought it was about rainy days and how the sun's gonna come out the next day, so I was like, "YAY SUNSHINE!" In effect, I didn't think of the meaning behind the song at all.

As I grew older, I learned as time went on that this became my theme song, or my mantra. As my days grew cloudier in High School, I didn't know where to go or what to do with myself. I would sing this little song quietly to myself as I lay in bed, and I would finally be able to drift off into my slumber-land, worry-free.

As I came into college, and as I faced drama that ultimately surpassed my entire Senior Year's worth of drama, I found myself crying and singing this to myself over and over just to make my day better, but it never did. I tried to sing, I tried to make my vocal chords resonate with the same charm and spunk as Annie, but I couldn't, I was too down on myself.

However, as of recently, I've figured out that this song has had much more impact on my life and how it even can be thought of philosophically.

Let me explain:

We as human beings are destined to have bad days. They are unavoidable. We can try as hard as we can to have great days every single day, but sooner or later, an awful / terrible day decides to rear its ugly head. We try and try to make that day good by doing things that interest us, but we just can't shake that depression that we feel. It hurts, and we feel we have no where to turn.

However, this is where I suggest Annie steps in.

"Tomorrow" is a song all about hope, which I have learned is the only thing we need in our darkest days. We must think the next day will be better, or else it won't be. We will just be scared that the next day will be worse, and we can't fall into that trap, it eats you alive. We need to realize that, "Yeah, today was a bad day, but I'm going to try to make tomorrow AMAZING to go in its stead."

So, if I have anything to say to you guys as you go off on your Spring Break adventures, it's this:

If you're stuck with a day, that's gray, and lonely, then just pick up your chin, and grin, and say..... The sun'll come out, tomorrow.

~This is Deej, signing off. (Happy Spring Break y'all. Stay safe and have fun)

Remakes

What is America's deal with remakes? Why is it we are always wanting remakes or re-imaginings of certain things all of the time in our current society?

I believe it has something to do with all of the new technology available and people's mindsets.

~~~~~

1) The New Technology Available

Now, I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that technology hasn't jumped tremendously in the past 10 years. It has leaped and bounded to an incredible height and made itself one of the absolute necessities of an American lifestyle.

This new technology makes us look at some of our old movies, video games, and TV shows and ask ourselves, what can we do with this new technology? I KNOW, let's remake good things we remember with it and try to make them better. However, the better part is usually only reserved for the video game department...

In movies, people clamor to watch remakes of old movies like "Nightmare on Elm Street" or "Friday the 13th," just to see how these new people re-imagine and/or remake a classic tale. In the end, about 99% of the time, people just end up walking out and saying, "Wow, the original was better, I can't believe I wasted money on that piece of garbage." People, I know that this is the case, but AT LEAST GIVE THE MOVIE MAKERS SOME CREDIT. They weren't trying to part the Red Seas with this movie. They were trying to let people fall back in love with the characters or ideas that had them at the edge of their seats when they first saw the cinematic wonder.

A lot of people hate on Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland," because mainly they thought it was a remake of the original Disney movie. However, people don't realize that it is actually a sequel, not a remake. Now, you can argue how bad it was until the cows come home, but I still thought it was a good movie. It was funny, charming, and cute, even though the Tim Burton thing made it look a tad demented I guess... BUT ANYWAYS.

We just need to learn that remakes of movies are going to be inevitable in the movie business, and people are going to be clamoring and hating them all at the same time. I'm not saying we have to like every remake ever, just give the movie makers some credit.

With Video Games...

Oh goodness. You have no idea how many message boards I scurry across to find people clamoring for "HD re-releases" of their favorite games. Some people opt for just straight up remakes, and that's what some are hell-bent on getting.

Take for instance my favorite video game of all time: Final Fantasy VII.

People have been praying, hoping, wishing, chanting, striking, arguing, and everything else in the book about a FFVII remake for a while now. The original has been released on the PlayStation Network Store for a very modest price to try to stop the hubbub. However, people want to see Cloud, Aerith, Tifa, Barret, Sephiroth, and the others fighting in new character models that are shiny, new, and up to date with the current graphical capabilities.

However, I somewhat believe that a remake won't happen. After replaying the game, all of that content could only be gotten away with on the PS1. Overworld maps, Chocobo Racing, and let's not forget the big "A's" death sequence, *tear,* could NOT be gotten away with on the PS3 without some MAJOR technical overhaul that could take YEARS. So, I think a FFVII remake may never come, even with all of this technology.

But, this brings me to my next point about why we always want remakes...

2) The Human Mindset

We are always wanting these new things to satisfy us rather than the old things, so these re-imaginations are able to bring us back to the old times that we were happy with. To make us reconnect with our past joy of video games is the company's biggest draw. They don't want to take any risks because like the Pokemon franchise... "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

We need to realize that sometimes, the original is just enough. I mean think about it. Do we get any REMAKES in life?

Sure, we might be able to retake a test, or do a paper again, but do friendships get REMAKES? Do we end up with the same friendships that we had before?? No, they are new experiences every time. You can't just wish for the same good times that you've had before with a new person, that's just not logical. If you tried to control it and make that person just like the last person you were in a relationship with, that would be very very weird.

Let me use as an example my best friend of all time: Tyler Wynne.

If I for some odd reason unknown to man stop being friends with Tyler, (which I hope never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever happens), and I tried to go out and remake that friendship that I had with Tyler with another person, it wouldn't work. The feelings wouldn't be the same. It would be weird. We must try to live with the great things we already had, and accept the faults that they have and not try to push and push for better things with the same face that we associated it with before.

You can't just keep making a good thing better in some cases. There is a stopping point.

My feelings for Tyler, (((The ones that he is the best person I have ever met in my life, I love him like a REALLY CLOSE FRIEND so much, and I hope I never lose him as a best friend ever, because I would be sad, and distraught, and cry and feel more alone than ever, BUT that's besides the point.))), cannot be given or tried to make fit on another friendship. It just won't work.

~~~~~

All I'm saying is, we just need to learn that remakes may be fun and all, but sometimes we just need to be happy with what we have now, and love the things that we loved first. We shouldn't try to push our feelings on someone else that we had with another, we shouldn't try to have what we had with one person the same way with another. We should treat everything in our lives as new experiences, and look back at those things that showed us our loves and favorites with fond memories.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Alone