Summer is halfway over. It's already flown so quickly I can't believe it.
I still remember walking back into my room after my commute from Austin. The nostalgia filled my lungs and I was ready to sit back and try to unwind from my emotional roller coaster ride I had back at the University.
I started out the Summer relatively rough enough. I was running around job hunting and trying to find some decent way to earn money. I went through several job applications and filled them out furiously, just waiting for a response back. That was the beginning of my Summer, just laziness and job searching. However, it was not free of drama.
I still was feeling bad about where I had been in the past few months. I was still clinging on to something that I was missing. I hadn't let go yet. I was wishing for something that would never happen. I still had a pain in my heart whenever I saw that person's name or whenever we talked. It still hurt.
This battle stayed with me for a few weeks and even as I was job searching. I felt lonely, as if I'd never find anyone. However, the cold air that I felt in League City finally set in. I realized what I realized in High School a couple of years back.
I was never going to find anyone in this town.
I could search and search to my hearts content, but nothing would come up for me. It would just cause more painstaking days for me that I would have to deal with... and I don't know if I'd want to put myself through any of that ever again.
So, as the Summer grew on through June and I started working, the drama and turmoil of my mind started to slip. I only found myself thinking about it whenever I'd go to bed at night or have any "down time" (as stated in an earlier blog post). My sense of desperation kept on picking away at me, and my lack of a computer for what is like 2 weeks now is not helping me in any way whatsoever.
However, after my long, hard night working the 4th of July at my job, running around on people's beck and whim, trying to grab drinks and plates and the like, I had a change of heart. You wanna know what I figured out?
I just don't give a F%#$ anymore.
I mean seriously. All of my life, I have been caring and caring, and it gets me nowhere. All soon to be 20 years of my life I have cared for everyone so much, and I haven't gotten any relationships out of it. I have been screwed over so many times and I have ended up crying so many times. I have been an emotional wreck more times than you can count with your fingers and toes. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being so emotional.
Maybe I can't change that I'm emotional. Fine. Maybe I can't change that I'm always going to care about people more than they do about me. Fine. But I'm NOT getting stepped on any more. I'm sick of people using my feelings just so that they can feel good and better about themselves.
Basically, if you want to show me that you care, you can. But don't expect it from me so much anymore unless you reciprocate it. I'm through giving all of my love to "walls." I give and I give and I never expect anything in return. Which is a great trait, but once again, after 20 years of just giving my emotions away and never expecting anything back... I want at least a "thank you" or a "I love you too."
Am I entitled to that at all? Some of you may argue no. But I feel like I need to start being stronger in who I am. Maybe it's time to be that Sassy Gay Friend I was pretending to be for Halloween, so I wouldn't have to be so weak.
Who knows, world? My Summer has brought so many changes into my life it's crazy. I just hope now that I'm level-headed I can sift through them and start picking out the good ones and finally empty my mind of all of this melodramatic nonsense before school starts up again in the Fall.
Because I know that once Fall comes, it's Emotional Roller Coaster 2.0, and I'm ready to ride.
~This is Deej, signing off.
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