I woke up in a cold sweat. My mind was racing and fuzzy, I didn't know whether I was still stuck in Nightmare-land, or if it was the cold, blistering reality that I had come to know. I looked over to my roommate's bed to see if he was snoozing, and it was empty. I figured he was over at his boyfriends. What a compliment to my dream. I wake up feeling lonely after just dreaming about losing people again and becoming lonely.
Now, I know I shouldn't get mad at my dreams, as they are a part of me. They represent some of the things I have been suppressing and I guess those feelings decided to manifest themselves on the eve of the last day of August. Maybe I need to give these things more thought. Maybe I'm not investing myself into these thought fully. Maybe I'm just being too emotional again.
I feel like my roommate doesn't like me anymore. I feel like he doesn't trust me at all. Which makes sense after what happened last year. We were best friends, but now.... we're just roommates. I don't feel any close bond like we had last year. It's gone. He's just another stick in the sand.
Maybe it's because I'm trying to stop feeling so deeply for him, but you can't expect someone like me to just drop someone like that. I care about everyone deeply, and even though I talk about myself a lot, I do care about other people, and I want people to feel good about themselves. We only have one life to live, right?
As I stare out my dorm room window at 11:35 AM, I have yet to find love or a fruitful relationship in my life. Who knows, it might come soon, it might not come until after college. What I do know is that I need to focus on myself. I can't worry or care about others too deeply. I have my biffles and I'm sticking to them. If they don't like me anymore then fine, I tried. And that's the best I can do.
~This is Deej, signing off.
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