Living Life

You know, if there is one thing I've learned in college, it's that I must live and love life more.

Now, I know that sounds pretty philosophical, but I'm just feeling all moody right now. Before I came to college, it was just day in and day out waiting. I would wait for a new video game to release, for my tests to be over, and to have graduated already. This non-stop waiting consumed my life, and when I had time to just chill and relax, I never was able to stop and "smell the roses." This constant want of having something to wait for would always come and rear its ugly head. I guess I just had nothing to really love and cherish in high school. It was just day in and day out struggles to survive in a socially harsh environment.

Once I got to college though, things changed.

I went into college waiting for Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep to release. I was very excited, to the point where I would insert it into any conversation I was having, and I would slightly verge on insanity if someone even mentioned it slightly. I have to admit, it was bad. However, after I got it and the "New Game Syndrome" wore off, I have to admit, I was so bored. I had no other games to look forward to at all, and I felt completely lost. I tried hanging out with friends, but then I started focusing on my personal problems more.

You see, video games were always a distraction to me in my life, they took me away from focusing on my own problems. They put me in a world where my worries just melted away. It was nice. However, in the end, the peaks of happiness drew farther and farther apart, and soon I was totally focused on myself.

I would end up beating myself up over looking like a creeper that day, and I spent most of last semester focusing on my own life, trying to sort out my sexuality, my body-image, and my heart. It was hard, but I made some strides that I thought were pretty substantial.

Then... this semester came along.

All of the sudden, I met Tyler Wynne. I got to know him over Winter Break and we got really close. It was insane how much we connected. We seemed to be totally biffles from then on. I felt it was fate.

Throughout this semester, I was pushing myself to grow closer to Tyler, to get to know him more and be the best friend he's ever had, and I think I might've pushed so much that it lead to a mistake on both of our parts.

Then the feces really hit the fan.

I started doubting my relationship with Tyler. I thought it was all for naught. I sat and cried and cried some nights thinking I was going to lose him. It hurt, and some of that pain still hits me sometimes, I'm not going to lie. I still have nights where all I do is just sit and cry. They haven't gone away yet, but I'm trying every day.

As Tyler and I began to stop talking to each other every day, as we began to give each other some room, I began to grow. I became much more outspoken in my opinions, I became more confident in what I think, and I just learned that instead of "impenetrable walls" around my trust zones, I need to put "gates," so that people still have the chance to get to know the real me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I should just quit being best friends with Tyler. Not at all. Tyler has been amazing. However, I can't run to him for every little problem I have. I mean, he is my best friend, but still, I don't want to be a burden.

Anyways, as I was sitting there in my solemn silence thinking about Tyler and me, I did a little soul-searching like always. Suddenly, an epiphany struck me, (as they tend to do). I realized that I haven't stopped and enjoyed the time I had been having with my friends. I had just been wanting more, or waiting for the next day or something. I haven't been enjoying all of the precious seconds I have had with them, and I haven't been enjoying life. I've just been going through the motions, thinking something big, (E.g. Love), is on its way, and I'm waiting for the UPS guy.

However, I learned in life that you just have to let that package get here when it's going to get here. You can't keep tracking the information every single minute, just like you can't keep pushing and searching for love, as you'll just be unsatisfied in the end. Basically, I'm saying that life is meant to be enjoyed, not worried or waited on.

So, to use one of my fun metaphors, instead of waiting for the ride to be over, sit back, relax, and enjoy it, because on this ride known as life, you only get to ride it once. However, don't be afraid to put your arms up sometimes and just enjoy the ride, because you know you want to be smiling and looking good in that picture they take at the final drop.

~This is Deej, signing off.