Video Update - 11/28/11

There is some sappy stuff directed towards a certain someone from 3:20 - 4:20. You can skip it if you want.

Sweet Home Alabama?

Alabama, home of the Crimson Tide, Golden Eagle Syrup, and accents larger than the 'ole Mississippi River, was where I spent my last weekend. Filled with much merriment, the celebration actually ended up turning into a full on fest of complete awkwardness.

Now, it may seem a little odd that someone like me had gone to Alabama a week before Thanksgiving, but I did have a reason. My grandparents were celebrating their CO-80th Birthday. We had a big party set up for them, with friends and family coming from both sides of it to just celebrate with the happy couple over cupcakes and punch.

Now, here's where it starts getting awkward.

My grandmother recently re-married at the age of 77. The new hubby she has is pretty great, don't get me wrong, but as she marries him, this comes with a WHOLE new set of family ties to deal with. So, at this giant party, a lot of his sons (from a long, past marriage) came down to help celebrate. They bring their kids, who bring their kids, and soon, it's a room full of people I have barely met before in my life.

All of the sudden, "relatives" were coming up to me, shaking my hand, and introducing themselves, telling me that he or she was my great uncle or aunt. Now, I am literally sitting here trying to remember names, but I was surprised at the volume of these people whom half were related to me somewhat.

I felt so out of it. I felt like I hadn't seen or kept up with these people in so long. I just felt kind of awkward. I mean, maybe it's the whole Family Reunion Syndrome where it's just awkward for everyone, but I just couldn't shake this feeling.

However, after shaking off my obvious awkwardness I took some time to look at my Grandma and my Step-Grandpa. They looked so happy. I could really see the gleam in my grandmother's eyes. She had such a marvelous time. I was so happy we could do this for her.

Then, something struck me as I was thinking about my current relationship... I could never be out to any of these people, besides my parents.

All of these folks were Southern born and raised, and any saying of me being Gay would literally throw a curve ball directly at their faces. They all expect me to have a girlfriend and have kids someday. This was something that especially hurt me because I already know I won't be able to physically have kids, ever.

Now I feel like I am living a double life. One in Austin, and one in my hometowns. I'm not out and proud like I am here due to repercussions I fear coming true. It's just awkward to switch between these every time I come "home."

Ah well, I'm sure Alabama is just a crazy state to begin with anyway. I mean, it's a fun state, don't get me wrong, but there's something about Texas that I just love. I can't place my finger on it, but being in Austin where I can date guys, work hard, and just be happy at school really makes this become more and more "homely" with each passing day.

Anyways, at "home," finals are rapidly approaching, and so is the end of the school year, where I'm sure a couple of crazy things are about to unfold, that I have been keeping my eye on. Hopefully I can let these things unfold carefully this time, and not give myself a giant paper cut in the process. We'll see, world. We'll see.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Long Time No Blog

Yeah, don't tell me. I already know I'm long overdue for one of these.

Jeez, I cannot believe it's already been a month already since my last update. I do apologize wholeheartedly, time just flies I guess and I've never been in a writing mood I suppose.

So, I'm deciding to go all out with this blog. I want to get some things off my chest and say some things that I have been thinking about recently. I don't know. I just want to talk. Hopefully that's fine by you dear reader.

So, as the year has been dragging on and on, I have been noticing a few things happening. Maybe they are just subtle things, but they are still things nonetheless.

I feel like my roommate and I aren't close anymore.

It's just awkward now. Day in and day out I come in, sometimes I find him studying on his computer, working ever so diligently on his laptop on Physics or Calculus, and I try to talk to him, but he seems so intent on his studying I try not to bother him. I don't want to be a bother, but I make ever so slight remarks to try to get him to talk to me, to try to go back to that kinship that we once had last semester, but I don't think it's working.

I do care about him still. Not as intently as I did last semester, mind you, but, I guess we are drifting now, and I'm just now noticing all of the signs. We rarely hang out outside of the dorm room together, and we just go live our separate lives. Him with his boyfriend, and me with mine (more on that in another blog post).

Maybe it's just something I can't control. Maybe this was meant to happen. Maybe whenever you live with someone long enough the ties don't hold as tightly because when you aren't living together, you long to see each other. Now, you wake up to see them every single day. You see their every thought, you witness their morning cycle, and most importantly, you see who they really are.

I'm sure my true colors have been shown to him on many occasions, and believe me, I'm not the best person in the world sometimes, and I've seen his true colors too. Not that they are bad or anything, I mean, he's a really sweet guy, but I can just never read him.

He never tells me anything anymore.

I just don't know about his life anymore. Whenever something big happens and he is depressed, he doesn't like to tell me about it. Maybe I'm being too pushy. Maybe I'm just too curious for my own good.

I wasn't like this with my roommate last year. I didn't know crap about his life unless he wanted to tell me, however, after living with him for half a year, he opened up like a book to me. I could ask him about anything and he let me know what was up.

Perhaps my roommate now is different. Perhaps he's not the same personality as my other roommate was. I don't know. I feel like if I room with people I want them to share any and everything with me. I want to know what is paining them. I want to giggle over dumb shit, eat popcorn, and talk about life together.

Is that too much to ask?

Maybe it is. I hate to be one to pry, so I guess I should just leave him alone. Maybe I should only talk to him when he feels like talking. However, my nature isn't going to let me do that I don't think. My crazy self isn't going to let me lay low and just take it. I just want to know what is wrong sometimes. I want to comfort him in whatever way I can...... however...... I guess that's not my job, is it?

I guess I need to just worry about my own life. I need to stop focusing on other people. I need to stop..........

I literally just stopped and stared at my keyboard for a second. I'm not sure what to do. GAH, this is just super crazy emotional blog post right now and I do apologize. This is not what the world needs in a return post from Daniel Freaking Jenkins.

More on my Halloween and Birthday Adventures in the coming posts, and I promise to update this a *bit* more regularly. Until then...

~This is Deej, signing off.