Happiness

Don't get too excited people, I'm still working out of my depression one step at a time. This is just a little talk of my own on what I think happiness really is.

Happiness. What comes to mind when you think of this? Unicorns? Rainbows? Smiles?

Well, for me it usually comes with visions of chocolate and/or peanut butter, but that's besides the point. When I envision happiness, I see laughter, genuine conversation, and love. Lots and lots of love.

Is it bad for me to see love whenever I envision happiness? Maybe. But I'm not talking about romantic love here. I'm not speaking of the Disney Princess falling in "LOVE" with Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I'm speaking of the closeness and tight bonds one feels with the people one is around, this certain feeling of "love" that brings us to happiness.

My happiness in my life has always been ephemeral. It has always come and spiked whenever I got a new video game, aced a test, or made a new friend, and ultimately it would begin to wane as time went on. However, throughout college, I've been learning that this ephemeral happiness that I've begun to grow accustomed to isn't what I really should be aiming for and hoping on.

I've learned that I need to grow out of this view of just wanting this spike of happiness day in and day out. I can't just want these spikes of random happiness every day because I have been tanking down to even below baseline more often than naught with this want. I need to search and find that constant stream of happiness that will keep me sane and not so depressed.

Where do I find this you ask?

Well, at my first glance you would expect someone like me to say, "MY BIFFLES, DUH!!" However, after talking with one too many people on the subject matters with my life as of late, I've learned that I can't put too much emphasis on my biffles. I sometimes feel like I run to them for ALL of my problems and when they can't help me I just break. I place them so highly that I lose some of my self-worth in the process. I just can't do that anymore. Biffles, don't get me wrong, I care about you guys, but throughout my current actions, I've learned that there is one person I need to look for for that ultimate happiness...

(To quote "All That,") "THAAAAAAAAAT'S ME!"

People can be great to help you out of a rut and make you happy. However, they aren't really grabbing your mind and turning a "happy switch" on. You are the one who is interpreting the care and love you receive from them as happy. You are the one making all of the decisions in life. I've learned that yes, whilst I do need to rely on my friends, I can't put them so far up on the pedestal that I lose my own self-interest and cause my own worth to go plummeting down.

I know what makes me happy in this life, and I know what is helping me overcome it. I know what I need to go from an extremely bad day to an extremely good day. Only I know what I truly need in this world. My friends can guess, and my biffles can know maybe 75% of the time what I need, but only I know 100% of the time how much time I need, how much room I need, and what exactly I need physically, emotionally, or personally to help me out of my ruts.

My individuality has become lit, now all I need to do is feed the fire. I must be proud in who I am and love myself unconditionally. Then others will begin to love and respect me. It sounds extremely cliche and I know, but it does have some truth behind it and I've seen it happen. Now I just have to make sure I keep on trucking in this world, whilst dancing along to the radio the entire drive through.

And who knows? Maybe I'll find my Prince Charming one of these days and we will live happily ever after, whilst driving into the sunset dancing to the music like maniacs.

And to be honest, that would be just fine by me.

~This is Deej, signing off.