Now, it may seem a little odd that someone like me had gone to Alabama a week before Thanksgiving, but I did have a reason. My grandparents were celebrating their CO-80th Birthday. We had a big party set up for them, with friends and family coming from both sides of it to just celebrate with the happy couple over cupcakes and punch.
Now, here's where it starts getting awkward.
My grandmother recently re-married at the age of 77. The new hubby she has is pretty great, don't get me wrong, but as she marries him, this comes with a WHOLE new set of family ties to deal with. So, at this giant party, a lot of his sons (from a long, past marriage) came down to help celebrate. They bring their kids, who bring their kids, and soon, it's a room full of people I have barely met before in my life.
All of the sudden, "relatives" were coming up to me, shaking my hand, and introducing themselves, telling me that he or she was my great uncle or aunt. Now, I am literally sitting here trying to remember names, but I was surprised at the volume of these people whom half were related to me somewhat.
I felt so out of it. I felt like I hadn't seen or kept up with these people in so long. I just felt kind of awkward. I mean, maybe it's the whole Family Reunion Syndrome where it's just awkward for everyone, but I just couldn't shake this feeling.
However, after shaking off my obvious awkwardness I took some time to look at my Grandma and my Step-Grandpa. They looked so happy. I could really see the gleam in my grandmother's eyes. She had such a marvelous time. I was so happy we could do this for her.
Then, something struck me as I was thinking about my current relationship... I could never be out to any of these people, besides my parents.
All of these folks were Southern born and raised, and any saying of me being Gay would literally throw a curve ball directly at their faces. They all expect me to have a girlfriend and have kids someday. This was something that especially hurt me because I already know I won't be able to physically have kids, ever.
Now I feel like I am living a double life. One in Austin, and one in my hometowns. I'm not out and proud like I am here due to repercussions I fear coming true. It's just awkward to switch between these every time I come "home."
Ah well, I'm sure Alabama is just a crazy state to begin with anyway. I mean, it's a fun state, don't get me wrong, but there's something about Texas that I just love. I can't place my finger on it, but being in Austin where I can date guys, work hard, and just be happy at school really makes this become more and more "homely" with each passing day.
Anyways, at "home," finals are rapidly approaching, and so is the end of the school year, where I'm sure a couple of crazy things are about to unfold, that I have been keeping my eye on. Hopefully I can let these things unfold carefully this time, and not give myself a giant paper cut in the process. We'll see, world. We'll see.
~This is Deej, signing off.
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