"I've Been Having These Weird Thoughts Lately..."

Last night I had a dream. A particularly bad one. In it, the crap that went down last year that destroyed my psyche decided to rear its ugly head again in dream form. So I was stuck fighting it again thinking that I was going through it again.

I woke up in a cold sweat. My mind was racing and fuzzy, I didn't know whether I was still stuck in Nightmare-land, or if it was the cold, blistering reality that I had come to know. I looked over to my roommate's bed to see if he was snoozing, and it was empty. I figured he was over at his boyfriends. What a compliment to my dream. I wake up feeling lonely after just dreaming about losing people again and becoming lonely.

Now, I know I shouldn't get mad at my dreams, as they are a part of me. They represent some of the things I have been suppressing and I guess those feelings decided to manifest themselves on the eve of the last day of August. Maybe I need to give these things more thought. Maybe I'm not investing myself into these thought fully. Maybe I'm just being too emotional again.

I feel like my roommate doesn't like me anymore. I feel like he doesn't trust me at all. Which makes sense after what happened last year. We were best friends, but now.... we're just roommates. I don't feel any close bond like we had last year. It's gone. He's just another stick in the sand.

Maybe it's because I'm trying to stop feeling so deeply for him, but you can't expect someone like me to just drop someone like that. I care about everyone deeply, and even though I talk about myself a lot, I do care about other people, and I want people to feel good about themselves. We only have one life to live, right?

As I stare out my dorm room window at 11:35 AM, I have yet to find love or a fruitful relationship in my life. Who knows, it might come soon, it might not come until after college. What I do know is that I need to focus on myself. I can't worry or care about others too deeply. I have my biffles and I'm sticking to them. If they don't like me anymore then fine, I tried. And that's the best I can do.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Why I Love Me Some Catwoman

The Bipolarity of being a Cusp Child

So, I think I have super low blood sugar level right now, but I just feel like rambling, so THAT'S what I'm going to do!

I have just recently moved back to Austin, TX to start my Sophomore Year of college. It's definitely a surreal experience I can tell you that. I don't know really how to feel sometimes. I mean today, I have gone from getting crazy excited with my roommate about the amazing violin player living next door, to moping around and hating myself because I don't have a boyfriend whilst everyone else in the world seemingly does.

I don't know what it is about me. Maybe it's the Libra in me that wants to so deeply analyze my life. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me that feels so strongly in these decisions that every single one of them feels like life or death. I personally don't know world, but honestly I think it's a little of both.

I was researching my astrological sign today just because I wanted to. I mean, being bored on a Monday before school starts merits some Internet merriment, right?

I found out that I am on the Libra / Scorpio cusp, which puts me at the position where I am one of the most emotional, overpowering, and apparently vicious people you could ever meet. I read some of my traits out loud and did what everyone else does whilst reading daily astrological readings: "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO ME." However, this one was pretty accurate. This didn't exactly make me a very happy camper when I learnt I wasn't that great of a person.

I mean it said that I was very strong willed and willing to get things done when the time needed it. However, it also said I have trouble letting go and looking towards the future. I immediately felt my heart drop.

I mean, it's true, I do have trouble letting things go. Things that hurt me deeply take years for me to fully let go, but they do wither away into obscurity eventually. It just takes many hours of me moaning and wailing in my bed whilst hugging my pillow to finally do so. However, it's not like I can change this aspect of myself. I know that I'm always going to be over-emotional, and I know I'm always going to have incredibly difficult times getting over things. Time is my worst enemy I presume.

Anyways, as I sit here, low on my daily chocolate intake, I write from a very similar perspective like always. My famous Bipolarity about having such great friends and not having a boyfriend or significant other.

I wish I could stop this vicious cycle of self-loathing, but this Scorpio side in me is not going to let go of any emotional feelings that happen to drum up inside of me. It's just not going to happen. I mean, I even get emotional when someone mentions their boyfriend or something. I feel like it's something I'm missing out on, some secret club that I'm not a part of, some secret society that won't let me in.

My Libra side likes to show its ugly face in not letting me tell people that I love them and being indecisive about issues. I want everything to be perfect. I want the world to open up to me and for nothing wrong to happen in my life, however, my Scorpio side rears its ugly head and sends me into these stages where I am just self-loathing.

Personally, I think Astrology is a really neat subject, and maybe the stars do have some impact on the way you work and act, but also your upbringing I think factors into that as well. I personally like reading them for the heck of it, I just think it's fun to see if those horoscopes predict daily events that actually occur in my life. Astrology is definitely fun, but with all of these aspects from this Cusp I was born on, I'm not too keen on myself anymore.

However, at least it said I was attractive and sexy.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Video Update - 8/20/11

Catwoman

So, yeah, I have told you guys about my feline fascination with Catwoman right? Well, it's still going strong, however, it's definitely hit a bump in the road today.

The official photo of Anne Hathaway as "Selina Kyle" hit the web today:

I just want to ask you guys, does this look like Catwoman to you? I personally didn't think so. The ears (which make her Catwoman) and whip are definitely missing. I was definitely fanboy-ing out about this earlier today, pretty much raging all over Facebook and going absolutely crazy, I kid you not. Some of my friends got mad at me and told me to stop complaining about it and trust Nolan.

I never said I didn't.

Nolan has made some truly amazing work. The last 2 Batman films by him were amazing no doubt. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was absolutely mind-blowing. And of course, I haven't seen Anne Hathaway in action as Selina Kyle so I can't really judge her acting, but I know Nolan has got something up his sleeve with this.

Which leads me to my next theory: I don't think Catwoman is even in this movie.

Think about it. The file name on the picture on the official website was "Selina Kyle," not Catwoman. I mean, yes, we know that is her alter ego, however, even when Warner Bros. announced the casting list Anne Hathaway was chosen as "Selina Kyle," not "Catwoman." She's not even credited as Catwoman. Maybe Catwoman's not even in this.

I don't know you guys. I seriously have heard so many different stories that I don't know what to think. I've heard that she's going to wear the mask at some point in the story but I don't know when. I guess we'll just see.

As of right now, I still love me some Michelle Pfeiffer, but we'll see what Nolan decides to do with this purrfect villainess in the near future.

~This is Deej, signing off.

Meow!

Anxiety is Creeping Into My Life Again. Oh Joy.

Well world, it's August, and you know what that means: CRAZY OMG BACK TO SCHOOL LET'S BUY YOU FIVE MILLIONS PENS AND PENCILS AND CLOTHES AND GO CRAZY OMG.

Yes, exactly that.

Now, it would seem like I should be calm about this next semester right? I should be calm and ready to take things as they come. I should be ready to just keep on moving with whatever happens. I should be excited and happy that school is starting again, right? Wrong.

I don't know what it is but I am actually really nervous about school starting again. Maybe it's because I'm not rooming with the same person. Maybe it's because I have big plans and goals for this semester. Maybe it's because I am more on the lookout for a potential relationship. Most likely it's a combination of many things. I'm just scared.

I mean, pardon my French, but shit went down last semester. It really went down. So many things happened in my life I couldn't understand which way was up. I was that confused by the time I came back to my hometown.

I've taken this summer to think about my life and analyze where I'm at, but I'm still INCREDIBLY nervous for the semester ahead. There's probably going to be many more firsts next semester than there were for this one, and I'll probably do more things I never would have done before. I don't know, world. UT is going to be crazy this semester, I can already tell. However, I'm excited to see what all it's going to bring at the same time. My thoughts are really random today, I apologize.

Anywho, I'm gonna head back to surfing Tumblr for hours waiting for pictures of Anne Hathaway in her Catwoman costume to show up. Please excuse me.

~This is Deej, signing off.