This is Halloween, full of ups and downs...

Well, where do I begin?

What is it about me that makes me so darn not prone to any relationships whatsoever? Every single time I look for a relationship or am pressed with the opportunity to get one, I fail. Yeah, it's gonna be another eventful blog post.

It all started Friday night. I was playing video games with my friend and suddenly I get a call asking to go out. Now, I had plans to go out Saturday, but under much coaxing, I succumbed. We ended up going to a "Zombie" themed party, and they were giving out zombie face paint, and alcoholic beverages littered the area like clouds in a mostly cloudy sky. The thing is though, whilst everyone else was having a good time... I didn't drink, I didn't dance, and the only thing I did get done was get my face painted to look like a zombie. That turned into a trip to a local club, where I danced for a good amount of time, and had an overall "meh" day. Why can't my days ever be totally awesome? I always feel as though I don't realize how truly great days are, there's just always that ONE THING.

So this afternoon I went with some friends to pick up more items for my costume. It went well, but I felt like I was only connecting with a few. I felt left out. Yes, I'm sorry this has come up again, but it did, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's inescapable for me. After spending an ungodly amount of money getting things for me, I finally came back to my room and relaxed until a friend came over and we got ready for Halloween.

6th Street was a mess. Crowds littered the street, dressed like "slutty" Disney characters or psychotic clowns. You could barely walk, and I mean, yeah it was interesting and all, but I didn't see the fun in all of it... By the way, no one recognized my costume besides my friends.... NO ONE.

So, we end up going back to the club I went to on Friday night. As we are getting are dance on, I feel someone "grinding" up on me. Me, being the sheepish, innocent one that I am, back off and try to understand what he was saying. I didn't know what to do. So this person ends up grinding on my friend, all the while telling him how cute and shy I am. REALLY? I finally see someone that seems to show a little smidgen of interest in me, and I back away. My friends were asking me after our club experience why I didn't dance back and take advantage of the situation. I personally did not know. I couldn't answer them. And there I was again, the awkward loser who can't make anything out of a social situation.

Also, WHY, for the love of God, right when I am having a good time, I have to see him. The one person, who caused me at least days of grief back in September, I see walk into the club. My friend tells me that he walked in, and my expression changed. I didn't want to have this happen. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want these memories of awkwardness to creep back into my life and take a tight grip on me like they always have. However, the memories' grip was too strong. My feelings of awkwardness I had put aside had returned, and now, nothing was going to stop me from being depressed. Yes, before you ask, many looks were exchanged between the two of us, some I couldn't tell if he was looking at me, but I know a couple of times I caught him looking at me. WHY must life punish me like this?

Heading back after a very awkward last half of the night at the club, we end us waiting for the E-Bus. The sort of bus that karts away the drunkards back to their dorms so they can sleep and wake up with the hangovers they have accumulated throughout the night. The doors getting into the bus were like zombies fighting over brains in a young human. Drunk college kids were pushing, shoving, knocking others, and doing whatever was possible to get into the bus. As the ensuing chaos raged on, I mulled over many topics in my mind, as I am right now typing this entry.

Why is it that there always has to be one thing that ruins my day? Why do I always think sunshine when all I am going to get in the end is sunshine with a sudden downpour? Awkwardness is my weakest point, I admit that. But WHY does it have to get in the way of everything.... EVERYTHING?!?!

Oh well, I have much studying to do tomorrow, and hopefully I will not run into this problem again as I am looking over Mythology notes.

Goodnight everyone, and Happy Halloween.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

Don't worry, my birthday was amazing.

Hello Blog people of the world! I'm so sorry I haven't written in here in so very long, I've been busy with my birthday and homework that I never got time!

Anyways, it was my birthday on Saturday and I really had the best birthday ever, seriously. I rented out the game room of my dorm and held a little "shin-dig" in it, and a lot of my close friends came over and we had a great time! We played pool, listened to music, played a dismal (but ADDICTING) card game called "Gloom," where you use the happy event cards to make the other player's cards happy, whilst making your cards miserable with sad event cards. It's a very confusing concept, but it is super fun, I promise.

So, I got some birthday money from my parents so I bought used games from Resurrected Games, a local shop in Austin. I bought Unison for Ps2, which is a funky rhythm game which I am liking little by little. I also got Viewtiful Joe, a great side-scrolling beat-'em-up with great graphics for Gamecube, and PN.03, a shooter with flashy moves and a rocking soundtrack. All in all, I think Viewtiful Joe was my best purchase of all of them.

Anyways, enough of my rambling over nerd stuff! Everyone was super nice at my birthday party! We watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and played video games until 6 AM, and then we crashed. I woke up at like 9 AM just to do laundry, and then stayed up. So in effect, later on today I totally was falling asleep in my Astronomy class.

Love is still on the background of my mind, and I have seen a ton of people that are super attractive, and some potential relationships, but knowing me, I'll never initate them though, haha! Oh well, I do what I must!

Anyways, I hope you all have great weeks and, YAY that I'm nineteen!!

Peanut Butter + Chocolate = Heaven

Yes, that title is very accurate.

Well hello y'all! How are y'all doing this fine Wednesday? I totally am in a good mood because I got an 84 on my Asian Religion paper, 95.7 on my Astronomy Test, and I destroyed (in a good way) my Rhetoric paper!

I spent most of today in class, as usual. Class seemed to drag on for hours on end, and it was never ending. My days have gotten infinitely better. I totally have forgotten about those terrible ideas about love and I guess life is good!!

Well, my birthday is on SATURDAY!! I'm really excited and cannot wait to get that day underway. I have a good amount of stuff planned, so hopefully it's an absolutely amazing 19! Wow, I just got a killer headache right now... UGH. TYLENOL!

Anyways, coffee night is tonight. Wish me luck tonight y'all in all of my endeavors with everybody! Hope y'all have marvelous weekends, because I know I sure will!

Lazy Day Saturday!

Aren't Saturday's supposed to be not very stressful?

This Asian Religion midterm is definitely going to kick my butt. I am studying for it and and Astronomy test on Wednesday, and I also probably need to get started looking up things for a Rhetoric paper due next next week. College is really endless.

Well, my depression has finally started to subside. If I get depressed at all it's just a short fit which I usually can snap out of in a couple of moments. Being depressed is no fun, no fun at all. You don't feel like talking, you just want to sit, contemplate your life, listen to sad music, and cry. You never let anyone come into your world and talk, and you just push them aside and say, "I want to be alone."

But, the key to depression is to talk to someone about it. It's certainly not fair for you to just sulk without talking to anyone about it. Talking is the best thing we can do for each other, and empathizing with someone is always a good idea so they can be happy again. My friends helped me out so much, they tried to make me happy and take me out, and I guess it worked.

For anyone that is depressed, all I have got to say is to stay strong, and let your friends help you out. That's what they're there for. If they won't, why do you have those friends in the first place!?

Anyways, I'd best be getting back to some super amazing Asian Religion. Oh, Buddhism, how confusing you inherently are.

P.S. Asian Religion joke: "What did the Buddha say when he was ordering his hot dog?" "One with everything."

I swear I told that joke to everyone after I heard it, and 2% of them actually got it. Goodness, I'm such a nerd.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Well, tonight was Coffee Night. It stirred up many emotions within me as 10:00 inched nearer, and I even let depression rear its ugly head into my day today.

So yeah, my day was very mediocre. Nothing great, and nothing too terribly bad, that is, unless we want to talk specifics, then we can talk about me almost dozing off in my Astronomy and Asian Religion classes. I was definitely tired this morning, and I don't know why. Perhaps it was this attack of depression, or my insane workload, I'm really not so sure.

Well, it could also be considered a bad day in that I was pretty much depressed all day. Today was the onslaught of the feelings of unattractiveness, feeling fat, and worthlessness. Once again, I AM NOT PLANNING ON KILLING MYSELF. It may seem like these depression things may push me over the edge, but trust me, that's an extremely stupid, selfish, dangerous, dumb thing to do. Anyways, I looked into the mirror and saw a nerd with bad acne and a big belly that no one I thought would see as attractive. I just sighed and laid on my bed browsing the Internet for anything that would keep me off of the subject of the ever-presence of love depression.

Depression is just one of those things I have to live with I guess. I didn't get it this badly since Junior Year, but Junior Year was much worse. I felt extremely dumb Junior Year and I tried to put on a happy face and roll with the punches, but I got knocked down, flat on my butt, every single time. Usually, someone would say a passing remark about what happened to me, and my face would just drop. My casual care-free smile would turn into a giant frown. My happiness would leave for its lunch break and never tell me when it would "return." As a result, my friends quickly changed subjects or ignored the topic whenever that person's name came up. It was too much for me to bear, plus my attitude towards myself was dwindling into nothingness as time went on.

However, I persevered and got through it. It took me a VERY long time to, mind you, but I left with a sense of accomplishment whenever I did get over it finally. However, one passing awkward glance or stare in the hallway would send my day plummeting. My days were never good when I saw them, as I always felt that awkwardness and heated tension whenever we were in the same room. My friends tried to mediate conversations, and I appreciate them for that, but neither of us were going to talk. The awkwardness was just too overpowering to bear, and both of us just wanted none of the other, of course, for different reasons.

Now, I may be getting into too many specifics, and I don't want to give away any names or locations, so I shall leave the story at that. The rest can be pieced together if you read my other blog posts. I'm sorry I'm not being very nice, but I feel as though my experiences would be somewhat disrespectful to the person I'm talking about. And I have been trying as hard as humanly possible to get back where we once were as best friends.

The worst part is though, both of my guy best friends I've lost to the same exact cause... that's what kills me.

It just seems I can never have a guy best friend in my life. They always fall out of place with me, never speak to me again, or just ignore me. I don't know what I do wrong in this world. I always try to be nice, polite, and courteous, but it is always thrown back in my face. It comes off as awkward I guess, and apparently, in this society when you are polite, you're a creeper, and when you're rude, you are just a bad person. That's how these teenage lifestyles work. Yeah, maybe my polite thing is cute, but I seriously don't think so.

So back to Coffee, two friends of mine came and dragged me when I was just ready to sit down and watch Moulin Rouge whilst crying and nibbling on chocolate. In retrospect, I can say I definitely had a better time than last week, but I couldn't stop thinking of myself as unattractive to others. However, the frequency of traded glances with that person were less though this week, so I think I am starting to get over that person. Here's hoping, Here's hoping BIG TIME.

Well, tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it can be a good one, so I can finally walk to class again jamming out to music from Glee.

I'm a Libra, but I sure as heck am not balanced!

Oh goodness. So much to do, so little time.

-- Rhetoric HW
-- Component 2 for UGS
-- Mythology Readings
-- Astronomy Readings
-- Asian Religion Midterm Monday

UGH! It's endless.

Anyways, yes, I know last time's post was long, and I do plan on making this one long as well. A good bit has happened since then.

You know, I think it's funny how people can tell when I am totally down in the dumps. It seems like everyday I apparently enter with a feeling of how life is amazing and everything should be sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. I bring smiles to people's faces and I guess I have a happy aura always surrounding me. That Thursday after coffee night, EVERYONE could tell something was up, EVERYONE could tell I was down in the dumps about it, and EVERYONE tried to make sure I was okay. Seeing how I definitely was not "okay," my friends took me out for Ice Cream at J2, and tried infinitely to make sure I had a good time. Whilst there, I told them what was up and they read my blog entry. They all took turns reassuring me, and it felt nice to know how much people care about me actually.

Also, I went out with some friends to Wal-Mart on Saturday, they got video games whilst I finally bought some Nutella. You guys, you have not LIVED until you've had Nutella. It's like chocolate amazing goodness in a jar.

Anyways, serious stuff now.

So yeah, still feeling those doubts of my own attractiveness. I certainly am absolutely dreading coffee on Wednesday, as I really hope it goes better than it did last time. Last time was pretty abysmal if I do say so myself. I feel terrible, self-conscious, and lonely in all aspects, and I seriously felt like I was a creeper. As stated before, I DREAM of that relationship that takes me to a place where I am not judged and just loved eternally, but I guess that makes me a stupid college love sick puppy in that regard.

I just never give love a chance. I never give that seed of love a chance to grow, as I'm always plucking it out of the ground because my impatience eventually sets in. Time is never on my side, as it flies too fast when I'm having fun, and it takes forever whenever I just sit down and notice it tick by.

I know friends will always be there for me in the end, but let's face it, they won't be exactly there whenever I'm in the relationship, and friends are the only thing I have that keeps me sane. There I go again, with the italicized "there." I guess I just really like using that word to describe how I feel. It's like, I'm in the situation at the present time so I am "there," but in my mind I don't feel like I belong or am wanted in the group, so I feel at times not "there." It's that sort of balancing act that I have to do, and even though I'm a Libra, (a Scorpio/Libra cusp actually), I'm definitely not balanced at all...

I just want to have fun in college. That's what it's there for right (besides mostly and mainly academics)? I can't just aimlessly keep looking for love whilst all the while being "Creepy McCreeperton" about it. I guess I need to have that initiative and start conversations, but chances are for me, that won't happen.

Anyways, let's hope Annie's right about things, because I do hope all of the time that "the Sun'll come out tomorrow..."

Oh and Annie, since I'm a broke college student, don't expect me to "bet my bottom dollar" either.

Why do I just fail at everything?

Yes, I know it is like 2:30 AM, but I want to blog right now, because, I just want to.

*Emotional post coming up, not much happiness, you have been warned*

Why do I fail at everything? Seriously. Why is it whenever I am faced with a social situation, be it a get together or anything, I always fail miserably at either meeting new people, starting new friendships, or even finding the possibility of love? I just fail. I end up trying to make the audience laugh but I just fall flat on my face. I hate what I do so much.

I don't have muscle, I admit it. I don't have gorgeous marble sculpture bodies that should be drooled over, and that makes me self-conscious. Everyone I run into in the college environment is either buff or skinny. There is no in-between, not at all. I feel like sometimes I should work out, but the pressure of making good grades takes its hold on me and I never get around to it. I want to, it's just let's face it, I'm lazy and self-conscious. Now, a good amount of people reading this will push this off and be like, "Oh Daniel, I have to deal with that stuff all day, what makes you so special?" I don't necessarily have an answer for that, but I can tell you I have been picked on and called names ever since I started 1st grade. 1st Grade. I haven't been the most popular kid, and I certainly never made top 10 kids in popularity, but I wish something I do could be noticed.

The reason this emotional rant stirred up is because I was at coffee night with a bunch of people, and I kept crushing on someone whom I have been crushing on for weeks. Only to find out later they are crushing on a total other person. If this wasn't enough, I looked like a socially awkward creeper, just trading glances with that person, and never sitting down and talking to them. They probably think I'm the dumbest and creepiest person in the world. God, I hate it when people dislike me. I HATE IT. I know it's fun to be different, but sometimes, it gets in the way of me having those relationships. I don't have initiative. I crush endlessly over someone, and when I finally get the courage to stand up and admit those feelings, they become either too late, or unrequited.

I guess I'll never find love. Yeah, that's a very fatalistic viewpoint in the realm of things, but come on. My relationship skills have been sucky at best. I had ONE relationship that lasted for all of 1 week. My other crush whom I expressed my feelings for flipped out on me and refused to speak to me for a year, and that had emotional backfire on me. Heck, I haven't even had my first kiss yet. I'm seen as either "too cute" or "too innocent" for people to want to join me when I want to let loose. When we went clubbing for instance, I tried to dance and have good time, but they were dancing somewhat away from me, and not really near me, like I'm the plague. I've been ridiculed my whole life about this stuff. I don't need friends who don't want to join me to just let loose.

No one will see me romantically. I guess I just need to suck it up and face the facts. I'm too soft, too scrawny, and too nerdy. I dream about having that one relationship that will take me away, one person that will return my feelings, but I get cheated out of it every single time. I try and I try and I try but nothing works. As stated before, I fail and end up looking like that socially awkward nimrod dancing in the corner. Sure, I may be funny, but what's that going to help me in the long run? Chances are I feel it won't.

Life really doesn't like me. And no, I'm not planning on offing myself, NOT AT ALL. That's a very very stupid decision and there's always another way. I just need to get my mind off of failed relationships and focus on school and "friends." That's all I can do. I can't let myself fall into these stupid traps that make me crush over someone just to fail spectacularly. Silver lining? I am really starting to doubt seeing you at all. I have these roller coaster type of days that seem to never end. It makes me incredibly frustrated into thinking what my next day will be like. I've just lost faith.

People who tell me that I have plenty of time for love, I know. I heard the whole routine before. I have just never had a relationship that lasted in my life, and most of them ended in nasty situations. I guess it's just like Tina Turner says, "What's love got to do with it? What's love, but a secondhand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Well, I guess I'd better get to bed. Goodnight world, and hopefully Thursday brings me some silver lining, or, for the love of all that is good, at least some bronze.

Oh Monday, Monday....

Man, this weekend just flew!

Well, Texas lost.... AGAIN, and hopefully they will stop losing in the near future. It kind of makes me mad that we've won most of our games against OU, just to have this one taken away. I guess OU really doesn't suck, athletically anyways...

I'm sitting here with Mary, who's awesome, and we are both trying to get at least some work done on this boring Monday. I have a Midterm today which I am not thrilled about in the slightest, but I'll make due... hopefully.

Well, depression has been somewhat of an issue, but I guess it always is for me. I just never know when days will get better because I keep focusing on the bunches and bunches of school work I have to do, and it snowballs. Then I get wrapped up in all of the finer things like studying and the like and I never look at things for the fun they really are! Oh well, it'll happen with just me I guess.

Houston hasn't changed at all. Because of the hustle and bustle of downtown, it took us like 4 and a half hours to get home this weekend. I drove down with Hilary, and we sang Disney songs, Sweeney Todd music, and a mix of pop music on the way, all the while having a BLAST! I felt extremely awkward at homecoming, as I felt like I didn't belong. I wasn't with the band anymore and I was just there. ( <--- That word coming up again isn't it?)

Anyways, I probably should study more for Mythology, and I've already had an interesting Rhetoric class today, so I'm hoping for a "2 in 1."

Have great days, y'all!