Depression... disgrace...

Why is it whenever I look into the mirror I see nothing but total ugliness staring me back in the face?

I can't see anything but ugliness. It's like a disease that I can't seem to shake... It comes in waves that I cannot go over. Why can't I seem to shake it? WHAT THE MESS IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! Am I dumb? Wait, don't answer that, I know the answer is yes...

My TIP Mentor gave me a little sheet that said "You can't learn to love others until you love yourself." Yeah. But where does that get me. I can't love myself until I know that at least one person in this world sees me as attractive. That's what's wrong with me. I KNOW I am unattractive and there is nothing that will change my mind of that....

Why am I on a high of happiness, and whenever I get on this high I get killed by others because they beat me down because of my sarcasm. I can /never/ be happy, can I? I try to be sweet, but I fail...

Whatever happens...... I. just. fail. I don't think I can expand on my point anymore than just that.... I. just. fail.

Does talking really make it better?

Well, I've done it again. I've officially buried myself into a deep hole of depression. I don't comprehend how I end up doing it after I seem to just get over it. Life just isn't on my side this year. My friends have tried to help, help, and help some more, but it seems like it's not working for me. I feel like I'm just pushing them off with my witty and snide comebacks and I feel like I'm losing friends... I feel like they don't like me anymore.

Daniel's super-ultra-crush spectacular decided to return again. Except for this one (different guy) I've actually talked to him. A very, very, very, very short talk, mind you, but a talk nonetheless I guess...

My friends have been pressuring me to flirt to my fullest extent, but I mean, come on. I can't flirt to save my life. I end up either being total oblivious to the other person's feelings, or becoming so into someone that my vision clouds and I eventually learn the fact that "He's just not that into me."

So, I've /almost/ given up on trying to go after these potential relationships. Why, you may ask? It's because I know I will fail... I /know/ for certain I will fail this time miserably and end up crushing over someone again that doesn't feel anything for me...

Why must my life be like this? It builds me up just to knock me down. Nowadays, after getting that blow to the face, I'm tempted to just lay there and cry. Looking at that situation, crying never really helps, does it? (Well, for me anyway.)

It just makes you feel worse. "A good cry" doesn't exist within my vocabulary as I see it as not getting me anywhere. So, "cries" are just.... well.... "cries." I end up falling deeper into depression after crying... so crying is essentially futile to me. I don't want to get up because soon as I get up, another uppercut is thrown and I am falling headfirst into another deep state of depression.

Why would anyone like me with all of this emotional baggage anyways? I'm beating myself up every day about how dumb and scrawny I am... If anyone reads this post they probably think I'm a total nut job who needs SERIOUS mental help. But I don't think it's that bad... It's just feelings of unattractiveness, helplessness, and under-connfidence that I can never seem to shake.

Truth is, I don't think I ever will get over these feelings. One small thing is ruining my days now. I am letting insignificant things and people get the better of me, and it hurts. There's nothing I can do about it, I just want to lament on how dumb I am.

My friend gave us the idea of a "brag" journal, but knowing me, I'll find nothing to brag on myself about. I already see myself as dumb, nerdy, etc. So in effect, the whole thing would be pointless.

Oh well, I must get going to Classical Mythology... then UGS.... and then packing for home tomorrow... Let's hope my friends back home can bring me out of this sour mood...

Pet Peeves...

Howdy y'all! I hope you all had amazing weeks.

You know... I just wanted to share some of my pet peeves and wonder what some of y'all think? Why am I asking for y'all to respond? I do not know, honestly, haha!

Anyways, my pet peeves are as follows...

1. Bragging - Even though I am a hypocrite and I do it sometimes, I HATE it when people brag incessantly about things. It really doesn't make me feel good about what I have and it just gets on my nerves.

2. Nails on chalkboards or other miscellaneous screechy noises. - Self-explanatory.

3. People telling me someone likes me and don't tell me who - I HATE HATE HATE HATE this one. This one really gets on my nerves because it makes me hope for those relationships that I never have... UGH! Anyways...

4. Thinking people like me, and then people shooting me down whenever I confess my feelings about people -This has happened like a bajillion times this past half of a year... UGH, can I please just escape this? Oh well, guess not.

Well, there's probably a billion other one's I am thinking about, but I just can't list them off now, haha! Anyways, have great weekends y'all! Sorry this one's so short.

~Deej

Not my last post?? WHA!?

HEY Y'ALL!!

Well, I gave in to my desires, and yes I am doing this blog more! Yay?

This week is SUUUUUPER stressful. I have so much work to worry about and so many things I need to address before Thanksgiving rolls around. I am excited for Thanksgiving, don't get me wrong, it's just I have finals in Asian Religion and Mythology to worry about. AND I have an Astronomy test TOMORROW which I am ultra cramming for at the moment.

I got Karaoke Revolution: Glee. Honestly, I swear I cannot put that thing down. I have now made it a rule that I must sing one song after Asian Religion and before Rhetoric just to get it all out of my system. I tried singing "And I am telling you, I'm not going," and I didn't do so hot. Oh well, I'm having fun right?

Well, let's talk about love, the topic I always seem to focus on, haha!

I have almost accepted the fact that I can't rush love. No matter how much I beg and plead to give me a relationship, I must wait. That's all I can do. My biffle came up with a good point that I must wait and I will find someone. Yeah, I know my whole "how soon is soon" thing will come into play here, but I have just owned up to the fact that I must wait for love!

Anyways, I'm lazy, so I'll probably do another video... I like those a lot. Have good weeks y'all!

My Last Official Journal Entry (for now?)

Wow y'all. This is probably my last official journal entry.

It seems like yesterday I was explaining the fruits of my hard work and how my college life was beginning to bloom, and I can safely say, why yes, it certainly has!

Sure, I've had my downs this past semester. I've had plenty to detract from my days. Remember that statement earlier saying my October was terrible? Truly, October was pretty good. I just let stupid, insignificant things ruin my days and I couldn't let them go. I was trying to be something I wasn't. I was trying to be sexy, trying to be funny, and yes, probably even trying to be pitiful.

I've learned so much these past few months.

1. Your friends are there for you. No matter what.
2. Go out and have some fun. Don't study all of the time.
3. You make new friends every second of the day. (Well, not literally)
   
4. Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy (Thanks, Ms. Frizzle)
   
5. And always let any of your friends come over because you are definitely strengthening relationships through all of those interactions.

It's crazy how these things play out. You go by day to day thinking no one really cares. But in fact, they really do. People care tremendously about their own friends. They feel concern for their friends when they are depressed and people really try to help you no matter what you are feeling, whether it be depression or feelings of unattractiveness.

I would only push these people away and never give them any thought as to how they could help me. I thought they couldn't understand, but in fact, they did.

Wow, emotional stuff there, Deej.

Anyways, I'm doing a survey for UGS and it's pretty stressful. I'm about ready to pull my hair out. We have to get 250 people to take it before the project is due. UGH!

My classes today dragged on per usual for a Monday. I had a good amount of events happen today. Some good, some bad, some just "meh." Overall though, I think I had a good day. And I'm not afraid to admit it this time. I'm not scared that some divine happening will occur and make my day tomorrow terrible. I know I just had a good day today.

As for relationships.... well...... that is still a very touchy issue for me at the moment. I have gotten better about forgetting about my crush. It's been weaning away slowly but surely. I'm sure Wednesday's coffee will have something to say about that, but as of right now I am content with relationships. Yeah, I'm looking every single day for one, but I'm just waiting for the right person that I have stuff in common with.

Yes, I know opposites attract and likenesses repel, but it's what we have in common with others that brings us together anyway. Those awkward moments on elevators are relieved whenever someone brings up the terrible weather and everyone laughs a laugh of relief and shares their own experiences.

I guess I need to be that guy. I need to talk to people and break that ice that has been giving me trouble. It will just take time for me to. And if I don't look good today, who cares? It's my style right? I shouldn't change myself to get people to notice me if that is not my true self. That's a philosophy I live on constantly.

Well, who knows bloggers of the world? I may come back and update this for one /last/ journal entry for my final entry, but this is the last entry I need to have for a class. It seems weird that only 3 months ago I was freaking out about missing my friends... time flies I guess.

Well, I must be off. If anyone has read, enjoyed, or taken anything out of this, just know that I am very glad you sat down and actually read all of my random ramblings about college life.

If I leave you with anything, it will be a cheesy and hokey line from a poem I love, and don't pretend you don't like them!

"With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it's still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy." - Desiderata

See you later y'all.

~Daniel ;D

Life Is What You Make It

Well hi there, blog people.

It's definitely been a while since my last update, and the last one was a depressing one to say the least.

I've learned so much from that day it is not even funny. Friends clamored to my side to tell me how amazing I was, and offered their own advice on the situation, and I truly did feel loved. I kept beating myself about things that I could control, like my personal body image. Like most of my friends say, if you see yourself as attractive, others will too.

I'm in a good mood now.

Life has decided to climb back up little by little since last post. I've had too much fun with friends and I've met so many new people throughout my new club I am a part of, and I've definitely started some friendships that will probably last a good long time.

I finished a Rhetoric essay that was due on Monday, and I'm starting an Asian Religion essay here shortly that's due on Wednesday. It was just one of those work/relax Saturdays!

I went with my friend Kristen to get some Bubble Tea and some Vegan dishes, and they were pretty good. Knowing me, I'm not the best with the vegetarian stuff, but this stuff was AMAZING. The bubble tea was not bad either.

Anyways, I'll probably do another video, but this one will be a little more lighthearted I suppose! Hope y'all have great Sundays!

Depression...

I cried last night. I cried for almost an hour straight.

I sat in my bed, pounding myself with insults about how stupid I was, how insecure I was, and how I was never going to find love. My roommate tried to comfort me in my solemnity, but it was to little avail. I had already convinced myself that I'm a total loser and that only certain people see me romantically... I then convinced myself to just try to forget about it, and I drifted off to sleep, with a few tears along the way.

I dreamt about him. The one I crushed over...

I had a dream that I confessed my feelings for him and he felt the same way. We were in a relationship, and he loved me for who I was.

I have never been as happy as I was in that dream in a very long time.

I awoke in a random spot within my dream, and stared at my red-lighted alarm clock showing me 9:00 AM. I stared at the ceiling and felt like sobbing and screaming, why must this happen to me?

I'm so pathetic. I dream about falling in love someone I haven't even said two words to... I usually ask God to give me good dreams as I sleep, but I felt this was more of a joke by my subconscious.

I'm dreaming over someone whom I haven't even met fully, and who probably totally thinks I'm an utter creeper. I'm actually being a creeper, something I've never wanted to be in my whole life. I'm dreaming about someone who probably doesn't share the same feelings as me.

I look and see if people judge me all of the time. I see the looks on their faces as they pass me. They take a quick look, look away, and sometimes I catch either a smile (RARELY) or nothing at all. Now I know this is contradicting myself because that would mean people don't care how I look, but I'm scared.

I'm so scared of what people think.

I walk down these roads to classes thinking about what I'm wearing, saying, and even how I'm walking. I've been faced with way too much backlash in my life and I should be not focusing on it anymore. But I can't help it, it feeds the fire.

And now to know that I'm being super ultra creeper and making my image go down is incredibly worse. I know people care about me, and EVERYONE tries to make sure I feel ok in the end, but I never can. I end up right back into these realms of depression that I cannot crawl out of.

I'm putting on a Persona for others whilst I go to classes. No one will understand what I'm going through, (I'm not offing myself by the way), and it feels like whenever I crush over someone it takes me a while to get over it, only to have it slapped in my face once more.

I don't believe in perfect days anymore.

There's always that one thing that pulls me down. There is one thing weighing on my mind that kills me, one thing I cannot shake no matter how hard I try, and one thing that will bother me.... always.

When will these bad days end? Sure, you might say, "Daniel, stop beating yourself up, you are amazing and I promise things will get better for you and your love life. You will meet somebody soon."

I ask you this one small thing however, WHAT DEFINES THE WORD "SOON!?" I hate to be desperate, which I've already filed myself under that category by the way, but I'm about to just flat out give up on love. Let's face it, I'm...

• Socially awkward at meeting others
• Unattractive
• A Nerdzilla

Ah well, we'll see where this takes me in the end... watch the video I added to learn more.