Depression...

I cried last night. I cried for almost an hour straight.

I sat in my bed, pounding myself with insults about how stupid I was, how insecure I was, and how I was never going to find love. My roommate tried to comfort me in my solemnity, but it was to little avail. I had already convinced myself that I'm a total loser and that only certain people see me romantically... I then convinced myself to just try to forget about it, and I drifted off to sleep, with a few tears along the way.

I dreamt about him. The one I crushed over...

I had a dream that I confessed my feelings for him and he felt the same way. We were in a relationship, and he loved me for who I was.

I have never been as happy as I was in that dream in a very long time.

I awoke in a random spot within my dream, and stared at my red-lighted alarm clock showing me 9:00 AM. I stared at the ceiling and felt like sobbing and screaming, why must this happen to me?

I'm so pathetic. I dream about falling in love someone I haven't even said two words to... I usually ask God to give me good dreams as I sleep, but I felt this was more of a joke by my subconscious.

I'm dreaming over someone whom I haven't even met fully, and who probably totally thinks I'm an utter creeper. I'm actually being a creeper, something I've never wanted to be in my whole life. I'm dreaming about someone who probably doesn't share the same feelings as me.

I look and see if people judge me all of the time. I see the looks on their faces as they pass me. They take a quick look, look away, and sometimes I catch either a smile (RARELY) or nothing at all. Now I know this is contradicting myself because that would mean people don't care how I look, but I'm scared.

I'm so scared of what people think.

I walk down these roads to classes thinking about what I'm wearing, saying, and even how I'm walking. I've been faced with way too much backlash in my life and I should be not focusing on it anymore. But I can't help it, it feeds the fire.

And now to know that I'm being super ultra creeper and making my image go down is incredibly worse. I know people care about me, and EVERYONE tries to make sure I feel ok in the end, but I never can. I end up right back into these realms of depression that I cannot crawl out of.

I'm putting on a Persona for others whilst I go to classes. No one will understand what I'm going through, (I'm not offing myself by the way), and it feels like whenever I crush over someone it takes me a while to get over it, only to have it slapped in my face once more.

I don't believe in perfect days anymore.

There's always that one thing that pulls me down. There is one thing weighing on my mind that kills me, one thing I cannot shake no matter how hard I try, and one thing that will bother me.... always.

When will these bad days end? Sure, you might say, "Daniel, stop beating yourself up, you are amazing and I promise things will get better for you and your love life. You will meet somebody soon."

I ask you this one small thing however, WHAT DEFINES THE WORD "SOON!?" I hate to be desperate, which I've already filed myself under that category by the way, but I'm about to just flat out give up on love. Let's face it, I'm...

• Socially awkward at meeting others
• Unattractive
• A Nerdzilla

Ah well, we'll see where this takes me in the end... watch the video I added to learn more.