Well, I've done it again. I've officially buried myself into a deep hole of depression. I don't comprehend how I end up doing it after I seem to just get over it. Life just isn't on my side this year. My friends have tried to help, help, and help some more, but it seems like it's not working for me. I feel like I'm just pushing them off with my witty and snide comebacks and I feel like I'm losing friends... I feel like they don't like me anymore.
Daniel's super-ultra-crush spectacular decided to return again. Except for this one (different guy) I've actually talked to him. A very, very, very, very short talk, mind you, but a talk nonetheless I guess...
My friends have been pressuring me to flirt to my fullest extent, but I mean, come on. I can't flirt to save my life. I end up either being total oblivious to the other person's feelings, or becoming so into someone that my vision clouds and I eventually learn the fact that "He's just not that into me."
So, I've /almost/ given up on trying to go after these potential relationships. Why, you may ask? It's because I know I will fail... I /know/ for certain I will fail this time miserably and end up crushing over someone again that doesn't feel anything for me...
Why must my life be like this? It builds me up just to knock me down. Nowadays, after getting that blow to the face, I'm tempted to just lay there and cry. Looking at that situation, crying never really helps, does it? (Well, for me anyway.)
It just makes you feel worse. "A good cry" doesn't exist within my vocabulary as I see it as not getting me anywhere. So, "cries" are just.... well.... "cries." I end up falling deeper into depression after crying... so crying is essentially futile to me. I don't want to get up because soon as I get up, another uppercut is thrown and I am falling headfirst into another deep state of depression.
Why would anyone like me with all of this emotional baggage anyways? I'm beating myself up every day about how dumb and scrawny I am... If anyone reads this post they probably think I'm a total nut job who needs SERIOUS mental help. But I don't think it's that bad... It's just feelings of unattractiveness, helplessness, and under-connfidence that I can never seem to shake.
Truth is, I don't think I ever will get over these feelings. One small thing is ruining my days now. I am letting insignificant things and people get the better of me, and it hurts. There's nothing I can do about it, I just want to lament on how dumb I am.
My friend gave us the idea of a "brag" journal, but knowing me, I'll find nothing to brag on myself about. I already see myself as dumb, nerdy, etc. So in effect, the whole thing would be pointless.
Oh well, I must get going to Classical Mythology... then UGS.... and then packing for home tomorrow... Let's hope my friends back home can bring me out of this sour mood...
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