Why do I just fail at everything?

Yes, I know it is like 2:30 AM, but I want to blog right now, because, I just want to.

*Emotional post coming up, not much happiness, you have been warned*

Why do I fail at everything? Seriously. Why is it whenever I am faced with a social situation, be it a get together or anything, I always fail miserably at either meeting new people, starting new friendships, or even finding the possibility of love? I just fail. I end up trying to make the audience laugh but I just fall flat on my face. I hate what I do so much.

I don't have muscle, I admit it. I don't have gorgeous marble sculpture bodies that should be drooled over, and that makes me self-conscious. Everyone I run into in the college environment is either buff or skinny. There is no in-between, not at all. I feel like sometimes I should work out, but the pressure of making good grades takes its hold on me and I never get around to it. I want to, it's just let's face it, I'm lazy and self-conscious. Now, a good amount of people reading this will push this off and be like, "Oh Daniel, I have to deal with that stuff all day, what makes you so special?" I don't necessarily have an answer for that, but I can tell you I have been picked on and called names ever since I started 1st grade. 1st Grade. I haven't been the most popular kid, and I certainly never made top 10 kids in popularity, but I wish something I do could be noticed.

The reason this emotional rant stirred up is because I was at coffee night with a bunch of people, and I kept crushing on someone whom I have been crushing on for weeks. Only to find out later they are crushing on a total other person. If this wasn't enough, I looked like a socially awkward creeper, just trading glances with that person, and never sitting down and talking to them. They probably think I'm the dumbest and creepiest person in the world. God, I hate it when people dislike me. I HATE IT. I know it's fun to be different, but sometimes, it gets in the way of me having those relationships. I don't have initiative. I crush endlessly over someone, and when I finally get the courage to stand up and admit those feelings, they become either too late, or unrequited.

I guess I'll never find love. Yeah, that's a very fatalistic viewpoint in the realm of things, but come on. My relationship skills have been sucky at best. I had ONE relationship that lasted for all of 1 week. My other crush whom I expressed my feelings for flipped out on me and refused to speak to me for a year, and that had emotional backfire on me. Heck, I haven't even had my first kiss yet. I'm seen as either "too cute" or "too innocent" for people to want to join me when I want to let loose. When we went clubbing for instance, I tried to dance and have good time, but they were dancing somewhat away from me, and not really near me, like I'm the plague. I've been ridiculed my whole life about this stuff. I don't need friends who don't want to join me to just let loose.

No one will see me romantically. I guess I just need to suck it up and face the facts. I'm too soft, too scrawny, and too nerdy. I dream about having that one relationship that will take me away, one person that will return my feelings, but I get cheated out of it every single time. I try and I try and I try but nothing works. As stated before, I fail and end up looking like that socially awkward nimrod dancing in the corner. Sure, I may be funny, but what's that going to help me in the long run? Chances are I feel it won't.

Life really doesn't like me. And no, I'm not planning on offing myself, NOT AT ALL. That's a very very stupid decision and there's always another way. I just need to get my mind off of failed relationships and focus on school and "friends." That's all I can do. I can't let myself fall into these stupid traps that make me crush over someone just to fail spectacularly. Silver lining? I am really starting to doubt seeing you at all. I have these roller coaster type of days that seem to never end. It makes me incredibly frustrated into thinking what my next day will be like. I've just lost faith.

People who tell me that I have plenty of time for love, I know. I heard the whole routine before. I have just never had a relationship that lasted in my life, and most of them ended in nasty situations. I guess it's just like Tina Turner says, "What's love got to do with it? What's love, but a secondhand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Well, I guess I'd better get to bed. Goodnight world, and hopefully Thursday brings me some silver lining, or, for the love of all that is good, at least some bronze.