Oh goodness. So much to do, so little time.
-- Rhetoric HW
-- Component 2 for UGS
-- Mythology Readings
-- Astronomy Readings
-- Asian Religion Midterm Monday
UGH! It's endless.
Anyways, yes, I know last time's post was long, and I do plan on making this one long as well. A good bit has happened since then.
You know, I think it's funny how people can tell when I am totally down in the dumps. It seems like everyday I apparently enter with a feeling of how life is amazing and everything should be sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops. I bring smiles to people's faces and I guess I have a happy aura always surrounding me. That Thursday after coffee night, EVERYONE could tell something was up, EVERYONE could tell I was down in the dumps about it, and EVERYONE tried to make sure I was okay. Seeing how I definitely was not "okay," my friends took me out for Ice Cream at J2, and tried infinitely to make sure I had a good time. Whilst there, I told them what was up and they read my blog entry. They all took turns reassuring me, and it felt nice to know how much people care about me actually.
Also, I went out with some friends to Wal-Mart on Saturday, they got video games whilst I finally bought some Nutella. You guys, you have not LIVED until you've had Nutella. It's like chocolate amazing goodness in a jar.
Anyways, serious stuff now.
So yeah, still feeling those doubts of my own attractiveness. I certainly am absolutely dreading coffee on Wednesday, as I really hope it goes better than it did last time. Last time was pretty abysmal if I do say so myself. I feel terrible, self-conscious, and lonely in all aspects, and I seriously felt like I was a creeper. As stated before, I DREAM of that relationship that takes me to a place where I am not judged and just loved eternally, but I guess that makes me a stupid college love sick puppy in that regard.
I just never give love a chance. I never give that seed of love a chance to grow, as I'm always plucking it out of the ground because my impatience eventually sets in. Time is never on my side, as it flies too fast when I'm having fun, and it takes forever whenever I just sit down and notice it tick by.
I know friends will always be there for me in the end, but let's face it, they won't be exactly there whenever I'm in the relationship, and friends are the only thing I have that keeps me sane. There I go again, with the italicized "there." I guess I just really like using that word to describe how I feel. It's like, I'm in the situation at the present time so I am "there," but in my mind I don't feel like I belong or am wanted in the group, so I feel at times not "there." It's that sort of balancing act that I have to do, and even though I'm a Libra, (a Scorpio/Libra cusp actually), I'm definitely not balanced at all...
I just want to have fun in college. That's what it's there for right (besides mostly and mainly academics)? I can't just aimlessly keep looking for love whilst all the while being "Creepy McCreeperton" about it. I guess I need to have that initiative and start conversations, but chances are for me, that won't happen.
Anyways, let's hope Annie's right about things, because I do hope all of the time that "the Sun'll come out tomorrow..."
Oh and Annie, since I'm a broke college student, don't expect me to "bet my bottom dollar" either.
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