Well, tonight was Coffee Night. It stirred up many emotions within me as 10:00 inched nearer, and I even let depression rear its ugly head into my day today.
So yeah, my day was very mediocre. Nothing great, and nothing too terribly bad, that is, unless we want to talk specifics, then we can talk about me almost dozing off in my Astronomy and Asian Religion classes. I was definitely tired this morning, and I don't know why. Perhaps it was this attack of depression, or my insane workload, I'm really not so sure.
Well, it could also be considered a bad day in that I was pretty much depressed all day. Today was the onslaught of the feelings of unattractiveness, feeling fat, and worthlessness. Once again, I AM NOT PLANNING ON KILLING MYSELF. It may seem like these depression things may push me over the edge, but trust me, that's an extremely stupid, selfish, dangerous, dumb thing to do. Anyways, I looked into the mirror and saw a nerd with bad acne and a big belly that no one I thought would see as attractive. I just sighed and laid on my bed browsing the Internet for anything that would keep me off of the subject of the ever-presence of love depression.
Depression is just one of those things I have to live with I guess. I didn't get it this badly since Junior Year, but Junior Year was much worse. I felt extremely dumb Junior Year and I tried to put on a happy face and roll with the punches, but I got knocked down, flat on my butt, every single time. Usually, someone would say a passing remark about what happened to me, and my face would just drop. My casual care-free smile would turn into a giant frown. My happiness would leave for its lunch break and never tell me when it would "return." As a result, my friends quickly changed subjects or ignored the topic whenever that person's name came up. It was too much for me to bear, plus my attitude towards myself was dwindling into nothingness as time went on.
However, I persevered and got through it. It took me a VERY long time to, mind you, but I left with a sense of accomplishment whenever I did get over it finally. However, one passing awkward glance or stare in the hallway would send my day plummeting. My days were never good when I saw them, as I always felt that awkwardness and heated tension whenever we were in the same room. My friends tried to mediate conversations, and I appreciate them for that, but neither of us were going to talk. The awkwardness was just too overpowering to bear, and both of us just wanted none of the other, of course, for different reasons.
Now, I may be getting into too many specifics, and I don't want to give away any names or locations, so I shall leave the story at that. The rest can be pieced together if you read my other blog posts. I'm sorry I'm not being very nice, but I feel as though my experiences would be somewhat disrespectful to the person I'm talking about. And I have been trying as hard as humanly possible to get back where we once were as best friends.
The worst part is though, both of my guy best friends I've lost to the same exact cause... that's what kills me.
It just seems I can never have a guy best friend in my life. They always fall out of place with me, never speak to me again, or just ignore me. I don't know what I do wrong in this world. I always try to be nice, polite, and courteous, but it is always thrown back in my face. It comes off as awkward I guess, and apparently, in this society when you are polite, you're a creeper, and when you're rude, you are just a bad person. That's how these teenage lifestyles work. Yeah, maybe my polite thing is cute, but I seriously don't think so.
So back to Coffee, two friends of mine came and dragged me when I was just ready to sit down and watch Moulin Rouge whilst crying and nibbling on chocolate. In retrospect, I can say I definitely had a better time than last week, but I couldn't stop thinking of myself as unattractive to others. However, the frequency of traded glances with that person were less though this week, so I think I am starting to get over that person. Here's hoping, Here's hoping BIG TIME.
Well, tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it can be a good one, so I can finally walk to class again jamming out to music from Glee.
No comments:
Post a Comment