Worrying

So, yeah, another philosophical / depressing post.

Why is it I can never be truly 100% happy? There is always something eating away at my brain that inhibits me from ever feeling true happiness. I try, don't get me wrong, to me as happy as possible. I do. I try to make sure my days aren't filled with utter failure and disappointment, but there is always one thing that happens in any day that ruins my day.

I worry too much.

Believe me, ask any of my biffles, I do. I worry about video games, best friends really liking me, or anything along those lines. I worry, on the personal level, that maybe someone doesn't like me at all and I am being annoying, I worry, on the materialistic level, that my books won't come in from Amazon and I will be book-less. But most importantly....

I worry about having really good days.

Now, I know that sounds extremely and utterly stupid, but let me explain.

EVERY.
SINGLE.
TIME.

Every single time I have a really good day, a bad one always follows it up. I see the bad things that happened that day and worry constantly...

1) Did I make a good first impression on these people?
2) Was I creepy today?
3) Does my biffle really like me or are they annoyed with my constant onslaught of melancholy-ness?
4) I have so much work to think about...

I just think about these constant biting worries within my head and I can never just press on. I can't forget about these and think they are out of my control. Believe me, I have tried. But then I worry if I am trying hard enough, and the vicious cycle once again kicks in.

Friendships are always on the forefront on my mind, I can't help it. I WORRY ALL THE TIME if my friends are just being nice to me or truly like me. After being bullied and talked about a lot in High School, I don't want fake friends, and my wall is really thick and hard to get through. It takes a lot of coercion to make me take down my walls to let people in to trust.

Anyways, because of these bad thoughts, I prepare for the worst days, I know that if I don't talk with anyone or start any conversations and just keep to myself I can't get hurt...

I'm not the biggest fan of takings risks. I won't go out on a school night, I won't do anything that might potentially escalate or harm my relationships without CAREFUL AND METICULOUS CONSIDERATION, and I also start the worry process over again whenever I think about how I am doing these meticulous considerations and so on...

I want to have good days, but these constant worries inhabit my mind and I cannot push them out. I feel as though no one understands me and I'm like that emo kid who cries in the corner that I have no true friends. I feel isolated, and I want to get up and be more involved and make my day better...

But I'm scared. I'm so scared of the potential consequences. I focus more on the risk than the actual reward, so I go spiraling back into my favorite corner of sadness....

Oh Ms. Frizzle, if only you were here now to help me "take chances, make mistakes, and get messy."